Monday, August 03, 2009


It's been awhile and my medication that I had to start taking again and it is keeping me up so I figured I would get on here and update and post a blog. I'm going to just basically write it out in categories of my life just to highlight them.

Work: Work is going well and I picked realignment shift so I am working Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday 12-11 as of Aug 23rd. I am staying with my same coach (this shift was my first choice) and to make it even better my zen person of my team, Tony, is following him and is staying on the team with me so I will have someone I know, like and respect to shoot the shit with there. That alone makes work better. I would have been fine if I didnt know anyone on the team because I am trying to advance career wise but having Tony makes the transition easier! Seeing the rest of the team split up is kind of bitter sweet but its okay.

Health: I am alive but with that being said I am not feeling as well as I would hope. I had been feeling better but for the past week or so getting dizzy and unsteady has been something I have experienced each day. I am going to my primary doctor on Wednesday and then the neurologist the 14th and then the cardiologist at the start of September. On top of that... I have 6, yes 6 cavities and the dentist is going to be able to buy something pretty with the amount of cash I am paying him. Oh well, my teeth need to be in good condition and having that many cavities (and one root canal, fuck) isnt fun at all.

Wedding: Things are crazy. I cant believe the wedding is getting so close! We have so much done but still so much to do. I honestly, and this is going to sound probably super stupid and cliche, but I am just ready to be married to Rick. I mean as of next month we will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary.. and it is something I really want. I am thrilled, excited, nervous and anxious for November 28th! Last night I started envisioning me walking down the aisle with my dad and I am laying in bed... and I can feel my heart start racing and it is like wow. just wow. It hit me. I am getting married and couldnt be happier.

This fall is going to be a wild ride.. I am going to be working full time, going to school full time and getting married. Am I crazy? Perhaps. Do I enjoy putting stress on myself? Perhaps. Would I change anything? Never.

Alright, I am going to do some yoga and try to get some sleep. Sleep hasnt come easy and hasnt been good quality so I need some!

xoxo ~Jill

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Do you think that ppl w/ the last name Cullen are popular now?

For Twilight being classified as a "lower budget" movie.. their wardrobe budget couldnt be THAT tight.. Rosalie has some killer Gucci and Prada shoes. Man.. gorgeousness. I am super jealous and super not rich. Go figure. I think they should give girls with expensive taste the money to go along with it. Just my thoughts on that one!

I know it has been forever since I last blogged, my sincerest apologies, but things have been busy. Number one priority right now has been keeping things going and tieing up some loose ends wedding wise when it comes to vendors. Just have the dj left... things on that are looking good. The invitations came in! I have been playing around on how to put everything together before they go in the envelope. Good thing I have a couple of months to experiment more and figure out what I really like. Also bought the ribbon and such to finish off the pew bows, now I need to find a yard stick.. and finish those... and box them away. I have all these little projects that need to be completed. Its hard to imagine that in 5 months I will no longer have my last name, and I will be married. It is a very difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around I wont even lie there but I am excited I can say that. Not for just a wedding, even though it is very long in the making, but for everything after. Its time to officially start our lives together even though we have been together 7 years. Getting married after 7 years dating.. hmm good luck? I am going to say yes and go with it!!

Work is going well, busy but well. Changes make that job wicked interesting because one second you have something down pat and then 2 days later a policy could have changed and boom you need to go re evaluate everything in a conversation. It could kill you score wise but it keeps you on your toes to look at things. I am excited to get the mytouch training, its our new 3G phone... (the G2 essentially for all you tech savvy Tmob ppl) and seeing it kind of makes me want it. After the wedding!!! I actually am in love love love with the new sidekick in orchid. Maybe I will ask for it for Christmas! 6 months until Christmas people :) 7 months until my birthday... 2 months until Rick and my 7 year anniversary... 4 1/2 months until the wedding. Wow. I need to take a breath!!

Sleep lately has been very difficult. I have had to fall asleep listening to music for the past month and I am blessed to get 7 hours of sleep. Its enough yes, but there have been days I sleep my normal 7 hours and take two 2 hour long naps. I know my body is saying sleep more, but I just cant. It is extremely frustrating. I feel cranky. Glad that Rick though is supportive and just tells me to rest. Twitter frustrates me too!! You cant twit about ANYTHING political and not expect a backlash. I love the site but deleted a bunch of stooges who got upset with me because I simply might have said I didnt care about Iran because.. I dont like politics. I care about things yes, but I stay away from politics. Yep, not my thing. This past weekend when Rick, Jen and Josh went to my parents to help plant in the garden the guys got into a politcal conversation with my dad and poor Jennifer and I. Ah we should have received something Coach for enduring that.

Jasper Hale in Twilight, not so bad either. Sorry watching Twilight and got sidetracked. OH and another thing on my list, Nov 20th, New Moon!!! Good stuff is a comin!With this being said.. the wedding... I wish my Grampy and Memere were still alive. They will be there in spirit but it still hurts my heart. I am going to find ways to make them part of my day whether it be me eating a donut before the ceremony for Grampy to be getting my first rosary given to me by my Memere in my bouquet... it will work out. There will be some sort of memorial for them and for Rick's Grampa who passed a little over a year ago.

Alright well I am going to go play some stupid addicting games haha.

Simple thanks to my family.. Mom, Dad, Joel, Rick, Jen, Josh, Matt, Amy and Jim. You guys have gotten me through the past month and without you all I would be desperately lost.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I want to be a baker! ... maybe not.

This past week or so has been crazy, full of uncertainty, fear, frustration and excitement all rolled into five dysfunctional days.

Monday I was admitted into the hospital for a seizure study where I had 26 electrodes stuck onto my head and forehead.. and then I was sentenced to bed rest where I was constantly being video taped and recorded by microphone just in case something were to happen, they were able to see/hear what was going on. Needless to say after much stimulation, no seizure happened, however... cardiac wise I had some issues and was put on a heart monitor, and had a CT scan w/ contrast, dopplar ultrasound of both of my legs to make sure there were no clots, and then blood drawn from both arms and hands and then a blood gas reading in my wrist. I wanted to freak out and I did. I cried and that sucks but I was in the hospital so I really didnt care. On Tuesday my mom dropped in and gave me a really pretty card and a frog windchime and then Amy and Jim dropped by and brought me flowers, lasagne, 3 magazines, candy and coke! haha :) It was nice to see people. Then on Wednesday my dad dropped by unexpectantly which was really great and then of course Thursday I was released. However, when the electrodes were removed from my head I started bleeding and the ones that were on my head you could see the burns and the blisters.. and literally my forehead is purple and extremely bumpy. It looks disgusting. I hope it goes away soon

So Rick and I ordered the wedding invitations, picked out all the wording, the font and all that jazz... and we scheduled a time to meet with our cake lady and are working to find a time to meet with our photographer! I am really excited. Things are starting to really come together. I am going to work on finishing up pew bows soon because I want to get them done with.

Work is going alright. I was out all week and can go back on Monday but I am doing alright with my realignment statistics and I am hoping come August I can get a better shift, at least one that ends around 8 or 9 at least. Working until 11 has been really messing up my sleep cycle and stuff like that.
Hm.. what do to now? Well.. maybe watch a movie.. do some yoga because I need to stretch out and yeah.. work on some wedding program stuff because my lovely amazing brother is going to help me out!!! Thank you Bubba!!

Oh and...

Until next time



*oh and bitches, follow me on Twitter -

Monday, June 08, 2009

You're my only reason for staying alive...

if that's what I am - New Moon
*cant WAIT for that movie!!! fyi*

So in 4.5 hours I get admitted into the hospital until Thursday afternoon and Im not happy at all about this, I am actually dreading it in every aspect. Some people are like hey its a vacation, you are out of work, but I would rather be there.. working.. earning money.. doing my part. I need to do better at work.. I need to make money to pay for this wedding and this week being out is really hurting Rick and I financially. Its enough to get me down but the only light at the end of the tunnel is my neurologist finding out what is really wrong with me so we can fix it. That would be the silver lining in all of this, a simple answer. With that being said... I will have no tv or computer and will most likely be going crazy so if you have one of my numbers shoot me a text or something. Trust me, I will be in the mood to talk!

Im excited about the wedding stuff though, we bought our wedding invitations! Soooooooo happy! Rick and I need to sit down, finalize the wording, the font, the RSVP date all that stuff. Hey everyone.. what should the RSVP date be if the wedding is a holiday weekend (the Saturday after Thanksgiving) ?? Any input and advice would be most appreciated.
Rick surprised me. Yay. I wanted Russell Brand's book... called "Booky Wook" and Rick kept on making fun of me because it was shit etc and I just wanted it so bad because in the hospital I cant have anything plugged in in my room because of the electrical interference (tv, computer etc) and that book would keep me busy. I begged for it but after Saturday passed and we came home and partied with most of our wedding party minus Danielle, Joel and Luc (which fucking rocked, I love you all and it was much needed!!!) we didnt buy the book. I didnt think too much about it, just a book but tonight when I got home and went to check something in the bag of things I am bringing with me.. there it was.. the Booky Wook! <3 YAY! I can just imagine Rick and Matt going into Barnes and Noble buying a Russell Brand book.. and its hot pink and black. You guys always go and do weird stuff together like that time you guys went to go find that chair and went to all these furnature stores. haha. You guys would be cute together if you werent related.

Rick is husband material, even though he got Hitler as his answer to the quiz about which crazy ass fucker from the past would you be. I love you so much. <3

During game night I won at phase 10 even though I semi cheated off of Alicia's cards and I seriously kept on beating Matt, Erica, Amy, Jim and Ben at Buzz to the point where Matt threatened to leave our wedding party! Oh Matthew John. Such a brat!! Thank you all for coming over though.. I really needed it.. I was really down about going into the hospital and even though I am still nervous and sad as all hell, that little break really did help. Special thanks to Josh for some interesting pictures... and poor Jen for being so tired :( damn graduate school!!!

Alright.. so Tminus 4 hours until I get admitted.. 3 hours until Rick wakes up. I might try to sleep for an hour or so.. but I figure I will do some sleeping once I get there. Off to finish up packing.. finish this movie.. and then.. a nap.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Update time.

It has been almost a few weeks since I blogged.. and let me tell you things havent really been boring there has been lots going on so I think I am just going to break things into categories.

Wedding: Things are certainly coming along! Rick and I are weeks out from ordering our invitations which is really exciting. We found the perfect ones and I couldn't be happier. I have all the bubbles decorated, the decor that will go around the unity candles, I have the pew bows started (phase 1 of 4 done), we have most all decor, my gown of course (which is big now!), and we pretty much have our wedding ceremony with all the readings picked out. We planned on going to this marriage prep course in June but with everything going on around my health (read below) I think we are going to have to take the class offered in November. Oh well, we do what we need to do.

Health: My health is up in the air. The doctors are still trying to figure out why I am collapsing and passing out and my neurologist is admitting me into the hospital for a week starting June 8th. I am not excited. Some people are like, thats awesome you miss a week of work but I am literally scared. I dont want to have 26 electrodes glued to my head. I cant have a tv in my room or have anything plugged in because it messes up with the transmissions. Basically I can read, bring a laptop (too bad this one doesnt hold a fucking charge) my mp3 player.. and Im trying to see what and how I can charge my mini dvd player so I can watch movies or something. Those 4 days are going to be hell. I cant leave my bed. Ugh. I hope they figure out whats wrong with me so I can get shit figured out.

Work: I am getting better at work which is a miracle. I always take critique well, I dont push back I just embrace it and try to make it work for me and because of that in the past month I have lowered my call times, I have improved my quality.. I am really happy with where I am. My goal is to just become a better rep because in all honesty, I would like to be off the phones in Learning and Development helping with training and advancement in the company. We shall see. I dont know. It really is something I would want, I think I am getting better with the systems but I want to get off the phones. I gave myself a year and a half as a goal.. and I am 6 months in and I am seeing improvement so that is all that matters.

Friends/Family: Today, well technically yesterday was my parents 26th wedding anniversary so Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! Love you Both. Joels working and living in Portland.. working his ass off. We talk here and there while hes working but besides that, our schedules kind of conflict. I hope I see him soon! Friend wise things on that front are going well. I have amazing ones that I havent seen in awhile, sorry guys :( But soon we all need to go out. I do though know I have lost a friend or seriously hurt a friendship, which is hard and I have apologized to her many times but I guess we will see if time heals that wound. I hope it does, our friendship would be 21 years old next year. Who knows if it will get to that. Its just sad. I hate that feeling, of seeing someone you care about fall away from your life, it breaks my heart to be honest with you but you never know what will come of all this. Maybe things will get better? I sure hope they do.

And thats all for right now.

If I come up with something more... I will update again! Maybe I will be in that sort of mood tonight, who knows.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The past always resurfaces

This new medicine is driving me crazy. I get moments where I am super down and sad... and then I go back to right where I usually feel, an upbeat happy chipper girl. It is frustrating and sad at the same time. I didnt honestly realize I was going through this but Rick told me I was having a "Bi-Polar" moment when I posted a song lyric from Linkin Park on my facebook. Said it was a cry for attention and to be honest, it wasnt a cry for attention, it was just how I felt at that time. I wont make excuses for my feelings, I wont because I dont pretend to be something Im not but I was told this medication I am using to help with the epilepsy could make *old* feelings and symptoms of my past resurface and I hope that this isnt the case. I kind of want to make people tell me if they notice something .. like a change in my personality.. you know? I shared one of my blogs that not everyone can see to Mia.. to let her know where I come from.. what I have gone through.. and its ... well my past is simply that. It is the past and I am what I am.. I have done what I have done and I cant go and undo that. Even though it is an amazing though that poof... 2 years ago I could have undone all this... but really what would life be like? I certainly know I wouldnt be the person I am today and to be honest with you... I really am starting to like the person I am. Each day is a new opportunity to better yourself and I completely believe that and tomorrow is a another day.
All my love to all of those who have held me up when I havent had the strength to do it myself.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Metal means... fuck.

This kid here... means the world to me...
I am so terrified, I won't lie at all. I don't really like crying about it or showing how scared I am but this passing out/collapsing/blacking out deal needs to stop. The neurologist started me on a medication for epilepsy and I keep on passing out. I smell metal usually right before/after it happens. Weird I know. It is a nice heads up though that I am going to fall down. Emotionally though... I am already down and trying to get back up. I got a call today to get another CT scan and some bloodwork done so I did all of that before work and ugh, I am so completely frustrated. I will be waiting for a call tomorrow with results and hope they call, if they dont.. man I will be pissed.
Alright well... I am going to watch a movie.. and wow.. whats is up with the season finales of shows? Lost fucked my mind up, The office was great with Pam being pregnant! and Greys.. well... was horribly sad and I cried. Whatever. Rick makes fun of me sometimes just because they arent real people etc but Danielle TOTALLY understands where I come from!
I love Forgetting Sarah Marshall.. maybe it is just because of Russell Brand. Hmmm...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Biggest Day

You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days...

This... just resonates with me. Not sure why right now. It just does.... I am hoping the biggest day of my life will be coming in November... I deserve it... I sometimes though feel as though I am hitting a wall. I want to make everyone happy and at the end of the day I tend to forget about those closest. Sometimes I question if my quirky way of life can be overlooked and I can be accepted for who I am, clutter... and craziness included.

*my stomach hurts. this new medicine makes me sick every night. I need this to pass. Right now I feel like its going to come back up.*

Saturday, May 09, 2009

black nail polish

makes me feel sexy right now... and feeling sexy for me is a rare thing so let me relish in this moment!

Today I had my neurology appointment and I want to thank everyone for your messages, comments, millions of text messages (ahem Mia ) but thank you for your concern... and of course.. Thank you Rick for driving me because I need someone to cart my ass around. Glad we had "Maggie" aka "Megan" our fantastic GPS with us. Haha. The neurologist started me on a new medication for epilepsy.. yeah I know huh.. crazy. They might need to have me do a week long observation in Lewiston but we shall see. NO cancer though.. NO tumors.. nothing so Thank God about that. The only draw back with this new medication is the side effects and one of the huge side effects is insomnia.. which isnt really something I need but it is what it is hence me writing this at 3 am. If it stops me from passing out I am all for it. Last night I passed out in the shower and hit my elbow pretty hard. Oh well, I'm glad Rick was there to pull me up and take care of me. I guess maybe sometimes I dont thank him enough... maybe I take him for granted... take him as my own bitching post where if I am sad/frustrated/pissed/scared.. I unleash it on him, and it isnt fair, it isnt but I trust him 100% and he is my rock.

Rick, I love you and thank you for everything even though my words and actions may not show it. Look at all this wedding stuff I am doing, this should just give you some idea of how much you mean to me!!!

So I started back tanning and got a sweet burn, it sucks. It will go away in a few more days but it doesnt feel good whatsoever. It isnt just to make me tan, which I like... but the UV light from the booth itself it therapeutic to me... and it always has been, even my mom agrees with me... so I went.. and burned a bit but it was a nice feeling. Oh you know what else rocks??? Since my mom bought my wedding dress a couple of months ago... I am down over 20 pounds. Holy shit. I feel like sometimes I have been trying to lose it, sometimes not.. but its coming off. The doctor says to constantly monitor it and do daily morning weights so that is what I am going to do.

Alright.. well I am going to finish this up.. might write tomorrow... but I am feeling out of thoughts for the moment

Thursday, April 30, 2009

My life, the swine flu, and gay marriage, oh my!

So as you all know... and have heard on every radio station and tv channel this soon to be "pandemic" of the swine flu is speading. Over 9 countries now.. and it has entered Maine, Kennebec county... and the confirmed case was just released. It was in the same hospital I was just in.. the one where I just spent 24+ hours in isolation where people had to come to me in gloves/gowns. They said that because of my past history with infections but it made me wonder, are those people who have the swine flu ... do they feel like that.. like they are a victim of the world, a "goblin," a disgrace so to speak where people can only enter a room with gloves/gowns/masks on and can never feel another person's touch? As someone on facebook said.. this will be the start of things.. and it relates to a reading in Genesis.. and I just think to myself, what is happening? Is it this years version of the bird flu? Perhaps, but why does it seem to be effecting so many more people and why of all people did a child have to die because of it? Hunger, Aids, and other diseases kill people -- whether man, woman or child each day but still, it is sad to see a child fall first victim to this virus. So me being the scared one I am, I wonder.. what the hell was I exposed to? The swine flu while I was there? The fucking crazy swine flu? Every room was under procautions above and beyond standard... I guess I just didnt think of it that way that something was up. I woke up this morning, was sick and had a 101.2 fever before I even knew where the Kennebec county case was confirmed and once I heard that all I could think of was Rick, and how bad his immune system is. The regular flu could kill him let alone something like this. I started crying right there. I took some medications.. a cocktail I wont get into... but the fever is down, my stomach is empty but not hungry.. just very queasy. It will pass... they always say it will. Mind over matter, mind over matter... I figure if I use it as a mantra it will work.


So Maine did something monumental today and I dont care honestly if you agree with me or not, but same sex marriages and legal rights were brought into legislation! I am thrilled!! It is a huge step, not sure how much farther it will get but getting this far is such a large step in the RIGHT direction. Let me explain one thing. I am Catholic and dont question my beliefs, save yourself the time because all you will end up doing is pissing me off. Step back and dont throw the Bible into my face either. I myself personally believe that everyone was given the right to live and they should be given the same rights when it comes to who they want to love and be with. Does that make me something horrible? A bad Catholic? Perhaps but at the end of the day, I dont care. I want everyone to be happy... like I have said before and I will constantly back... love is hard enough to find and if you find it, hold onto it and never let go. On my personal judgement day will this be the deciding fact on whether or not I get into Heaven? If it is... then I'm sorry to say, maybe it's a place I don't want to go. Why can't people just let everyone live in equality? And why cant those who disagree keep out of it. My brothers best friend is gay and guess what, I love him as if he were blood and him to me, and if me loving him makes me a bad person because of his sexual preference.. then what of me? I can honestly say, I dont care.
I took today off from work... the doctor originally wanted me to take next week off entirely until I had my neurology appointment but I got her to give me the okay to go back Sunday which is a blessing. We really need the money for the wedding. I mean, Rick and I are doing well, we just need to get everything saved up. I am excited, scared, nervous. In sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live... those are serious vows and if I am making that pledge in front of everyone, our family and friends and God, I want everything to be perfect. The planning is going well though and we are etching away at our ceremony and the readings. I am thrilled to be getting married in my childhood church, St. Augustines. My Memere would be so proud and there will be her the base of my bouquet. Im not walking down that aisle without her. Just got teary. I miss her and need to bring flowers to her grave, along with my brother Adam's. I tend to them at least once a month when the weather is nice and its time. Maybe this weekend. I need to talk to her too and I do it best while there.So this is a huge blog but it is what it is. I just want to thank those who kept me company via AIM and text while I was waiting in the emergency room and while I was in my hospital room, alone and scared. And thanks of course to you all who have said prayers and have sent warm wishes, you keep me going.

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it"
~Jill Sara~

not deserved

Its hard to be an optimist while I lay here in a hospital bed. Im alone... dizzy... and not happy. Admitting to yourself you aren't happy isn't easy but I just overcame that.Why does this shit happen to me? I was over this health bump and fine.. Now its back and its my heart and brain. Double whammy. Things will get better so I am told but I write this in a hospital bed alone and wondering... why me?

**original post 4/29 via sidekick in the emergency room waiting to get admitted**

Saturday, April 25, 2009

kind of...

a crazy few weeks. First off, if you all know me and have been reading my stuff you know I am actively planning a wedding and... have 4 bridesmaids. Well Courtney is no longer in the party and my friend Erica is taking over her position which is wonderful because no questions asked she said she would do it, that we were like family, and it was a very warm and welcoming feeling. Releasing someone from your wedding party because of lack of communication and asking someone else to take their place without any warning is scary and Erica didnt even flinch. Thank you Erica, it means alot to not just me, but Rick as well.

Work, is work, just that. I have nothing really much to say, working on getting better and thats pretty much it. Getting closer to people in my team which I know my coach is completely pushing for so it is what it is. Wedding stuff is going fantastic, oh yeah and Erica bought her dress this weekend which means ALL my girls have their gowns now. I couldnt be more excited. I am very blessed with kick ass friends. I can only imagine the sort of bachelorette party in store because.. I have a feeling serious alcohol may be involved and Erica can peer pressure Jen hahaha and Amy and I together, well yeah stuff just happens, I mean I got Amy to get a drink at lunch Friday. Oh and speaking of Friday I went out with Amy and we went to lunch and a movie, which was much needed. So much has been going on with me health wise.. and everything.. I just needed a moment to get out and be with my best friend. It was just what I needed. Jim, Amy's boyfriend says I can hang out with her 6 times then get one free, and that we need a punchcard system going on. What a fucking fruit. I dont know about Jim haha. I was looking at wedding bands and I think I MIGHT have found the perfect combo of what I want. We shall see, there is time!!!!

Other than that Rick and I have just been spending as much time together as we can, we have hung out with Jen and Josh a few nights in a row and have been just keeping to ourselves for the most part. Alot is going on.. sort of. Haha. Yeah, that didnt exactly make sense but neither do I.Alright so other than the bridesmaid run around that I am THANKFUL is over (too much drama) things have been pretty laid back, which is what I like. And yep, that is about it. I should get to sleep soon but I'm not really tired yet. Its still pretty warm in the apartment. It got over 80 degrees today and being on the 3rd floor the heat just rises. I know by 9am the bedroom is going to be so fucking hot. I am not excited. I wish we would have brought the fan up. Oh well.


*I am watching Twilight! mmmmmm and I bought new fishies!!! 4 of them, 2 guppies, one Edward and Bella.. the 2 neon tetras Alice and Jasper. Shut up! <3

I have a concussion from..

....being hit in the head from so many nerf darts at work!! Between Mia and Lance I was hit a handful of times and I snorted two times on the phones with a customer and almost fell out of my chair.--good day, yep, good day AND Rick had dinner ready for me at 11:30, what a wonderful way to end the night. Who the hell would have thought that me going to work has been the best complete distraction from what is going on in my life? I laughed so much tonight, I did a good job metric wise, not great, but good and right now honestly, good sits with me very well. I have made good friends there, the ones I have in my group from training of which I hold great loyalty to but even more surprising, a new girl that I have seemed to just click with. Me finding another girl I actually like and get along with without feeling like it is a competition.. it's nice and a very weird change of pace. Most people know I tend to not click with girls well, or hold the most girl friends. I can count my good female friends on one hand that I can completely trust and I am finding that I have someone at work to trust. Its good, surprisingly good. I invited her to our wedding so it is a good thing.Work isnt always the best everyday, but it is nice to have a job. Today I talked to a handful of people who have no job and are in jeopardy of losing their homes and stuff and its just like... thank God I have a place to live.. and the liberty and luck to be where I am today. Despite the shit going on with me health wise I have been blessed. I am angry about things, but I still can feel and understand the good in my life.

I am still getting excited about wedding stuff!!! We have the guest list pretty pegged down which is always nice... and I am waiting for the stuff I just ordered to arrive! I ordered the cake cutter thing, the toasting flutes, personalized cake/bar napkins.. and some other things that I cant remember right now. I probably already blogged about it but I cant remember. I get excited about wedding stuff!!! We have our "budget" and what our costs are going to be and everything so we are saving up as much as possible. Plus 3 of my 4 amazingly lovely and gorgeous bridesmaids have ordered their dresses and they look so good next to mine and my moms, I cant wait. I am getting really excited. I need to get the engagement announcement out soon. My mom is itching for it to get out!

I cant stop watching The Office. Damn Dwight Schrute is the fucking funniest character ever created. I seriously dont understand how the writers come up with the shit he says but I have watched all the seasons and started watching it again and its just hilarious. Not to mention, his character reminds me of my future brother in law Josh. It is SO funny. I smile just thinking about it, the randomness. It is perfect. I think they must have met Josh somewhere in passing. It must have happened.

I saw the new posters for the twilight movie.. well New Moon and there is one with Rob Patz with no shirt on, and hello. hot man. Sorry just how I feel. I know Amy feels the same way!!! Cheryl and Rach know where I am coming from. Mmmm Alright well, Im wrapped in my electric blanket.. just watching tv.. maybe I will throw in a movie or something to chill our before bed. Tomorrow I work late, which sucks.. especially since I have all my brain tests Friday morning.. early. Im really scared but.. its okay. I guess feeling scared is a valid emotion.
Song of my day.. it was a bit of a rollercoaster but it really sums it up well. Perhaps the song of my week actually.


Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
Life Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I'm glad I survived
original post 4/9

Feel like a ticking time bomb

**original post 4/7**
Its 230 am and I should be asleep, safe in dreamland where I'm not scared or worried or anything of the above. I feel like my mind is just boggled down with so much shit that I cant even begin to concentrate on sleeping. I could take something to sleep, should have thought of that about 2 hours ago, fuck, what the hell. I SHOULD have done that but it would have made me groggy in the morning and I dont want to be sleepy for work. I am now wearing the heart monitor for a month.. so I think I have about 2 1/2 weeks left. I am seriously counting down the days. I HATE THIS THING! I had my follow up today and it sucked and I am pissed, and scared. Scared of what? Scared of what I might have... what I might not have and what else might have to happen to figure out what is going on with me. I had a neurological exam, a simple one done by my PA and I failed it, twice. My pupils are completely blown, they didnt respond to the light properly and the right side of my face... the strength isnt what it should be. She looked a bit worried and has scheduled me for a neuro consult, which I am completely fine with but now I have to have an EEG Friday, along with an MRI and then I have to have an MRA which looks at the vessels in my head to see if there are any weak spots etc. I am so nervous. I want them to find something for them to treat but am hoping they dont because I dont want something to be wrong... but I dont like things to be up in the air.. I hate uncertainty. Ugh. I want to punch a wall and scream. Yeah, that can't be healthy.Oh and dear Tmobile, dear oh dear Tmobile, since when is Easter not a holiday? It is the resurrection of our Lord and we are supposed to be sharing it at church and with our family, but no it is a work day. What the fuck. Literally. What the fuck! I am wanting an Easter Egg hunt at work. Mia and I are on it!And.. I am going to watch a couple of episodes of The Office and get lost in the story even though I have seen every episode in hopes of forgetting what might be going on. *News!* Rick and I have started to put together our wedding ceremony so I am thrilled, and yes mom, the engagement announcement is on it's way.This song.. I dont know.. just is sitting with me right now and I cant get it out of my head.
Memories sharp as daggers.
Pierce into the flesh of today.
Suicide of love took away all that matters.
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart.
With the venomous kiss you gave me,
I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
I'm killing loneliness, with you.
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.
I'm killing loneliness.
Nailed to a cross together,
As solitude begs us to stay.
We disappear in the life forever,
And denounce the power of death over our souls as secret words are sent to start a war.
With the venomous kiss you gave me,
I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
I'm killing loneliness, with you.
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.
I'm killing loneliness.

fat lips ARENT sexy

**original post 3/27**

Health, mine has been fine.. then boom.. reality hits. My heart wouldn't stop fluttering so my doctor told me to take double my beta blocker to help with the palpatations and so I did... and when I did... guess who passed out? Me. The doctor told me I HAD to go to the ER and when I got there I basically passed out and my blood pressure was 62/38.. wicked low, dangerously low to be frank with you. The started two IV's in me, which means two IV's too many and they pumped me full of fluids, vitamins and everything because my electrolytes and bloodwork came back a bit weird. Now the doctors are testing me for a seizure disorder. That makes me a bit scared but I need to do the testing they want me to do. I have an EEG scheduled for Tuesday and I am wearing a heart monitor 24/7 for an entire month. So sexy let me tell you. I have had great support and kindness shown by some people and I thank you all for your concern. I will keep you all updated.

Tomorrow Rick and I meet with Father Ralph to talk about possibly getting married at St. Augustines. Ahhh Insane. I have always wanted to get married there so I hope Rick can see how much I want this. I love that church and it will make me feel like my Memere will be there on that day, which means more that many people know. Random but our deposit for the reception and the dj is due tomorrow. Wow I really cant believe it. Shit is getting close and serious! I am super excited though. I can't wait to get the ball rolling. I need to meet up with the cake designer and our photographer.. and I think I am meeting with our photographer sometime next week to sign stuff. I have literally FANTASTIC vendors and am very happy. I hope Rick is happy too with everything I have done! I cant WAIT for him to see my gown either. I have been doing small craft projects here and there but we have lots done already. 2 of my 4 bridesmaids have purchased their gowns already, my mom has her dress and I think in my travels tomorrow I might stop at the tux shop to get some color ideas and whatnot. My man and his groomsmen need to look good! Alright and that is my update for now.. I feel like junk but am not tired yet. Oh well. I found this poem, I like it, dont know why but I do. Might as well end on that note.
It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of Annabel Lee;And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me.I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea:But we loved with a love that was more than love-- I and my Annabel Lee;With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me.And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea,A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Annabel Lee;So that her highborn kinsman came And bore her away from me,To shut her up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea.The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying her and me--Yes!--that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.But our love it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we-- Of many far wiser than we--And neither the angels in heaven above, Nor the demons down under the sea,Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the sideOf my darling--my darling--my life and my bride, In her sepulchre there by the sea, In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I write this with a heavy heart...

and a completely bogged down mind. Not exactly the best of combinations but what can you do? That's one thing about me, I can't control my nostalgic moments, my emotions... my state of life.

I have these moments of mini greatness, moments where I am like "this is going perfectly" then I get smacked with reality that.. shit isnt going perfectly. I love this wedding stuff, please do NOT get me wrong but at the same time I cry over the dumbest things. I am not crying or freaking about getting married, please do not even get that impression, but I am just worried that #1, I hate how I look. I love certain aspects but I want my hair black.. the color it is now and I have family who HATES my hair that dark. I like it. My weight, and now even getting onto this topic for me is extremely hard but I feel the need to get into it. I have always struggled, it was never easy and never has been. If you were to give me a list of what I liked about myself and what I hated, the hated part would have more on there than the like part. I want to look good in my dress, I want to be able to look at these pictures from my wedding day for years to come and say.. hey I looked beautiful and please dont get me wrong, my dress is amazing.. but I need to make sure I look well. I have lost some weight, thank the Lord, but not what I am looking to lose. I have 8 months, yes but I need to work on things. I just wish that I could be more accepting of myself. Maybe one day, maybe. I remember hearing compliments when I looked differently.. four to five years ago from my smile, to my hair, to me being pretty all together and now I am lucky if I get cute. That is rough. Compliments never get old, they never do. I dont know I guess I am just having a rough moment. I will be fine. I think the most gorgeous and confident of women go through this but I am on a path, a path of self discovery, a path of someone who knows what is best. It will happen and I am allowing myself the time. I was reading through my journal that I write in at the lowest of the lows that I have gone through since last July and I can see the transition from what I WAS to what I AM and its a nice progression but still.. I always want more and I think for as long as I live, I will always long to be better. I think that aspect is healthy, striving to be better and... if I get the choice to sit it out... or dance... I KNOW that I will dance.

Enough of the emotional things... I have the most exciting news!! I am going to Davids Bridal in about 7 1/2 hours (yeah I need to go to bed) with Amy and Jennifer, my maid and matron of honor! I CANT WAIT!! I am going to take so many pictures for Danielle and Courtney, my other bridesmaids who can't be in attendance. Wedding stuff is going well... money is becoming tight though with all of the deposits due at the end of this month. Very rough. I really just want to get married and spend my days with my husband, enough of this fiance shit. haha.

The time has come... to watch Twilight AGAIN*officially on dvd *. I went to a midnight release party here and bought the special edition and possibly watched it last night. Haha. Amazing movie though. I love the whole saga, the soundtrack and now I want the orchestral version of the soundtrack. Maybe in the next few months or so.

All my love to those reading.. to those who care... to my loved ones... and to ...
Rick, my one true love.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

I've been travelin' on this road too long...

just trying to find my way back homethe old me is dead and gone...dead and gone..
*LOVE that song*

Right now I am fighting the worst cold ever. It all started about 3 days ago at work when I had a kick ass day, did a great job with my call time and quality and everything and ended up coming into work on Thursday with NO voice. Fuck, go figure. I have a great day which hasn't been happening much since I changed new shifts and then I come back the next day with no voice. I could semi deal with the no voice thing but now it has turned into a full on head cold. I want to die. I can feel the intense pressure building behind both eyes, the burning in my nose and throat and the aching in my head. I know I have a fever right now where my nose and ears are both on fire, a sure red flag that I personally have a fever over 100 degrees. Oh well. Hopefully the fever is burning off whatever sort of bug I have seemed to catch. Speaking of work, things are different. I switched shifts with the realignment and the change was hard. I had to transition from a group that didnt like me at all but I got along great with my coach and senior representative to a team where I get along with a select few of my team so far (which is a HUGE happy point for me) but with a coach and senior that I don't really know. I think things will get better in the future but the past two weeks have been hard. I have had to adapt to how a different team does things and that is fine but then I have also ondered if me knowing people on my team has hindered me a bit. Oh well. I will work things out and I trust my old coach when he says to trust my new team and that things will fall into place properly and my last Thursday's performance rang true to me that I know I can do better and have successful days in the future. I need to be successful it really isn't an option at this moment.

Speaking of that I changed my major yesterday, full on public administration. Insane, I never thought that I would be going into public administration as a full major but I am. I might minor in something but I am not sure of what yet. Also, if my metrics at work get better and stay at what is needed then I can get tuiton reimbursement which is great. Free school is gold. I need to be successful in everything I do and I need to finish school but like my mom always said, I do things in my own time and I don't always follow the rules or guidelines but I will get it done.

Other than that wedding planning is going well. We have our ceremony and reception site, the dj, the cake baker, the caterer, the photographer, MY GOWN! and all the accessories (which I fall in love with more and more each time I see it), the decor for the reception, our personalized unity candle, personalized guest book, and we have our invitations all picked out. I know what I am getting for flowers, which I love and Rick actually likes them as well, and we have other things to finish up. It is crazy to think that this wedding is happening.. and in a matter of 8 months. Wild. I am very excited though.

Wow my nose burns so bad right now. I need to go rest... maybe watch a movie and stuff. I hope that I feel better come tomorrow. I need to feel better for work but at least my voice is starting to come back.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

I had the best Wednesday EVER!

I had a great Wednesday with my mother and that is what I feel like talking about right now because I have some stuff going on in my mind that is kind of bringing me down so I figured if I talked about something exciting it might brighten my mood!

My mommy and I went to and BOUGHT, yes, BOUGHT my wedding gown!!!

It is amazing and it is perfect. The managers were complimenting me and actually the family next to us who was also having someone in their life try on gowns complimented me in it and said it was the best one I tried on and that I looked like a goddess. It was probably one of the best compliments I have ever received from a complete stranger in my life, aside from one I received years ago. So after I had the gown on, and the veil on my head the waterworks started on me and I knew it, that it was the dress. We packed it up, thanks to my mom, and brought it home. I had my Maid of Honor Amy come right to my parents house to see me in it and she couldnt believe how well it fit me right of the rack. It will need to be hemmed a bit, understandably because I'm 5'2" but the dress is fantastic. I literally can NOT gain a single pound and in the past 2 weeks I have lost 15 and am going to continue to go that way. I won't mind paying to alter to have the dress altered if I lose weight, I REFUSE to have it altered because I have gained. It just is NOT an option. Oh and my mommy got her dress as well and it is stunning and the pictures are going to be glorious. I am so thrilled. I think I was more excited to see her in her dress than I was in mine!! I couldnt have been blessed with a better mother who made my wedding gown dream come true. I love you not just for buying me the gown, but for the huge amount of support you have given me through all the ups and downs over the past couple of years.

*******My new shift at work starts tomorrow and I am nervous. I know people in my pod so I am happy with that but I am going in with poor scores I think... and I want to make my new coach proud and I am nervous. It is probably just a normal feeling when it comes to switching around. This transition I had from training to my first team was great, my coach Ryan and Senior Rep Chris were VERY helpful and didnt mind answering any question no matter how random and I was blessed in that aspect. I hope this same environment occurs with my new group*******

Wedding wise things are coming along. We received the reception contract, booked the DJ, booked the cake, booked the salon for the wedding day, I HAVE the most AMAZING dress ever, I have all my bridesmaids including my 2 best friends, my Maid of Honor Amy and my Matron of Honor Jennifer, who is also my future sister in law, all our groomsmen (one of which is my brother so I am thrilled and thankful Rick chose him years ago because Joel is one of my #1 priorities in life, I love him to death), we have our invitations picked out, ordered the custom unity candle, the custom guest book and pen, cake topper, the guest list semi finalized, and most of the decor taken care of like our centerpieces and such. We just need to look over wedding bands and stuff but like Ive said before we do have time! Things are falling into place. I cant wait to get married... I hope Rick's ready!
And thats about it. I just cleaned the fish tank, took care of the rest of the animals and I just need to relax a bit... lots going on in my head. It happens!

Valentines Day Isnt Just for Lovers

Happy Valentines Day everyone, those who are married, divorced, single any one! This is a day just to show love to those in your life that you love and it is great that Rick and I celebrated our 6th one together today. We didnt do anything over the top, we went and spent time with his Nana and family and then went to my parents for a bit. I made a simple dinner and we played some games, shared some drinks... and now I am watching a movie before I hit the hay. We didnt go all out and buy gifts this year because we are paying for things for the wedding which is rapidly approaching and we just bought 2 new phones through Tmobile so I would rather spend our money wisely, especially right now.

Exactly... in 6 years and 1 hour... will be the date my Memere passed away. It is so hard because I miss her and going through all this wedding stuff makes me miss her that much more. Each day gets easier but with all this sort of 'right of passage' being planned she is greatly missed.
This is my last week working my current schedule and then starting the 22nd I am working 5 days a week instead of 4. I'm not thrilled but it could be worse. Maybe my new group of people I work with will like me. I hope so, I think I am a nice girl, you know? Oh well.

My chest is starting to feel better, still burns though which is irritating but I will survive. The antibiotics are making my stomach in knots pretty much 24/7 until I am finished with them. Ah.
Alright well I need to finish the movie.. relax a bit and get stuff ready for the morning.

Love to all, especially to you Memere. Miss you more than you know.

Original Post date 2/14/09

before you

my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. ….And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything ~ New Moon

It has been awhile since I have written so I figured that I might as well take a moment and write some stuff down. Work is crazy and I find myself getting headaches constantly, not because of listening to angry people on the phones or searching for answers to questions that I honestly have no idea what the answers are.. but looking at the damn computer like that without my glasses has been killing my head. I couldnt find them ANYWHERE and then boom, I found them in my tissue box. Dont ask me how the hell they got there but I am so happy I found them. I hope this coming week will be better now that I have them headache wise. When it comes to dealing with angry people, I will be fine with it but sometimes it is nice to get a chance to get off the phones at work. I would so rather be teaching classes and stuff but of course in order to get to that point I need to know my stuff and put in the time so I can move forward in the company. I am a work in progess.

Saturday was horrible. I went with my brother and we put our cat Tom down. I cried for hours after because we both opted to stay in the room until he was gone. He was going into kidney failure and had lost most of the fur on his head and it was progessing down his neck.. so my mom decided that it was time and the vet reaffirmed that choice when he saw Tom. I looked into Tom's eyes as the doc was getting ready to give him the injection and I just kept repeating 'I love you, go sleep, I love you, take care of Cher, I love you, I love you' and then... he passed. I tear up even writing this shit right now. He lived a long and happy life but saying goodbye is never easy, even when you know... that it is the best decision. Having an animal suffer is never okay and I knew he would be if we prolonged it. I will miss him, very much so. See you in Heaven Tom. I Love you so so much.

In 9 months Rick and I are getting married, it is insane. Amy slapped me in the face with reality that hey, I am going to be a wife etc and that I have a handful of stuff to do. We have the reception site, ceremony location, caterer, cake baker, and possibly a photographer and dj -- right now those are the 2 things I am looking to secure because they are very important. I also need to get down to Portland to look at dresses with my mom and try some on, maybe even find the *one* and take a look at bridesmaids dresses. I think for the first time to try on dresses I want to be just my mom and I then I will go down with my ladies. It's exciting and makes me nervous all at the same time, I hope I find one that I LOVE. I also wrote the engagement announcement which we need to get submitted to the paper and we have already picked out our invitations so I have pretty much priced out things. I like to have everything on paper and seeing totals so I have some sort of idea of what I am getting into, haha. Its also good that Rick and I have bought most of our decorations for the reception already so thats one aspect we dont have to really worry about. I love our theme oh so so so much I can't wait! We have lots to do still but we have done alright so far!

I never would have imagined how much effort would go into a day to celebrate Rick and my love... and all I can honestly think about is wanting it to happen so him and I can move into the next real step of our lives together, as man and wife. Wow. Maybe the cold feet moments are over? haha. Alright I am going to keep watching one of the best movies ever and am going to look at starting some wedding registries and possibly more vows/readings even though I have picked out some!

Greys Anatomy is 2 hours tonight, I'm excited. Crazy how the smallest things can make me happy!

original post date 2/5/09

Friday, January 16, 2009

Feel the rain on your skin, breathe in the air around you

Weird as this is right now, I am feeling strangely reflective and nostalgic. I don't quite understand the reason behind it but I feel as though I am not alone right now as I sit in the living room... it isn't a scary feeling, it is comforting. I am home. It might be my Memere, it might be my imagination at it's finest, but I am going to think it is my grandmother in the room.. watching a movie with me that we first watched together when I was a child, Jurassic Park. I remember her just going on about the movie.. stories.. the books she would read, oh Lord, the books she would get me hooked on and how we would compare buildings to T-Rex's and everything. I miss her deeply and on a level stronger than just a family member that has passed away. I swear that.. when she left this world in the human body form part of me left with her but in these moments like this it is like the empty hole in my body is no longer vacant, that part is complete and I can smile and feel the warmth of her love. She is comforting me, telling me that things are okay, maybe she is proud? Today I took a big step so feeling this way isn't hugely surprising even though I haven't felt her presence in over 6 months.

Rick and I made a step and joined our checking accounts. No big deal right? Okay... but it slapped me straight in the face with the reality that our lives legally are going to be intertwined together forever in less than 10 months and when she told us that once we got married all I needed to do was bring in the marriage certificate or my new drivers license and social security card with my new last name on it... I got cold. Shivers ran down my entire body and I felt awkward. Me, I felt awkward!! My life is going to change, I am going to be a wife. Holy fuck, a wife. My last name Stetson would be no longer.. and Tatarcyk would replace it. No one knows how much I have wanted to get married to Rick, no one could even begin to grasp how badly I have wanted this but to me, we are married and this is the legality portion of it. We have been together for over 6 years, endured things many couples would never have had to go through.. and we sit together side by side each night just lost in each other's craziness. The woman who opened our account today fell in love with us and our dynamic.. people say we are made for one another and I completely believe that but today was the first time I ever ever ever had a "cold feet" moment. The moment passed, it did, and I embraced it because I am growing up... life is changing and this is just the next step in a life I want to lead and was born to lead.

So with this all being said with a heavy heart and a light hand... things are starting to all fall into place, the way I think they were meant to happen... and this is when I thank my faith... because even though it isn't there physically like something you can touch or even smell, you have to have the ability to feel it inside you and believe that it is there guiding you along.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

flossing hurts

I havent blogged in awhile so I figured I would jet out a little one out while I watch American Idol.. I need to get back to my book!! Yeah, Im a geek and have read the entire Twilight series.. in.. like over a week and it is insane. Such a an amazingly great series though.. I just have like 200 pages left of Breaking Dawn left... and I should go to bed early but sometimes I am all for reading, it just happens to be one of the only things that relaxes me. Work is wild... lots of calls.. lots of challenges but lots of opportunities to grow. I cant wait to get to production and be on a team officially but I am also a bit scared of leaving the group of people I am with. It will be okay. I am doing well... getting better each day and personally that is all I can ask for. I think my trainer and training assistant are happy with my progression. I love the fact I can talk to people all day, even the ones that are angry... I can do this job and I think I can do it well. I really think though that my goal might be to be where my trainer Angela and Randy are.. teaching. Who knows, I dont know!Rick has surgery next week and I am nervous for him but I know he will be fine and I am saying prayers each day for him. I will be there with him every second after, I love him more than life itself. Enough of the mush. He and I think everyone knows how much I love him. OH and the day after Rick's surgery just happens to me MY BIRTHDAY!!! yay!!!... and yeah. I wish I had more right now but I dont.~Jill

The hour has begun
Your eyes have now opened
To a world where madness craves
To a world where hopes enslaved
Oh, Ill tremble for my love always
Your windows, opened wide
Your innocence takes flight
To a world where madness craves
To a world where hopes enslaved
Oh, Ill tremble for my love always
Its a world where madness craves
Its a world where hopes enslaved
Oh, I tremble for my love always
Its a world where madness craves
Its a world where hopes enslaved
Yeah, I tremble for you, love, always

original post 1/12/09

2009 better be a good one

2009 is here, yeah... time is one of those things that catches up on us whether we really want it to or not, it isn't up to us. I look back on 2008 and wonder, what did I do, what did I learn, what did I change and if I did all these things.. did it make me better?

We all strive to be something that will make others proud of you, you dont want to be that person who gets nowhere in life. I in 2008 couldnt tell you what I wanted to do... I was lost most of the year.. and right now as I type this I have the start of a stable future in front of me. 12 months ago though, 2008 started the same way.. I felt as though I had a base of a life started and it crumbled. It is ironic that one year later I am starting on the same, yet slightly different journey and I am wondering to myself... is this the path I am going to stay on. If that didnt make sense, sorry but to me the words and my thoughts make exact sense of what I feel/felt. 2008 started with me having a great job with pay.. to me leaving that job and then trying to find things to pawn and sell to keep an apartment over my head.. to see the bills come in and me not get a job.. to see disapointment in the faces of those who believed that I could have been this amazing person.. a person who could have conquered the world... and I was trying to just keep afloat. I struggled... I dont know how we made it, or how he even stayed with me or even wanted to.. I dont know how some morning I woke up... but I did and here I am. Its a new year and perhaps, a new start.
Did I make a New Years resolution? Fuck no. Let me tell you this, I am never one to say I am going to make a new years resolution and stick to it because I want to be forever changing myself into someone better.. but I am not going to make a specific resolution because to be 100 percent honest with you, I will break it. I could have made a resolution to break the resolution so finally one of the resolutions I made I could have completed successfully.
2008 brought great joy, heartache, lonliness, and fullfillment. Yeah.. a great weird combination but.. joy that I was with Rick... joy that my relationship with my parents was improving... being up there with Jen, the closest thing I will ever have to a sister, as a bridesmaid at her and Josh's wedding... heartache when Rick and Jen lost their Grampa... desperation of seeing Jen get nearly killed in a car accident.. desperation of bad habits left in the past... lonliness in missing my memere every single second of each day and knowing she would understand every single of my feelings.. and fulfillment just this past month that I might have found a career path that gives me exactly what I need.

What do I want in 2009 is simple. I want to be me. I want to laugh, smile, and love wholeheartedly. I want to get married to the person who has made me complete for six years. I want to thrive in a job where I feel I can make some sort of difference. ... I just want to be me ...

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

original post 1/02/09

Santa brought me my first Michael Jackson jacket..

he brought me one too... HEY, me too! threesome!!' - Bam, Novak, Frantz

Where the fuck is Santa is such a hilarious movie, if you like all the Bam shit then this is right up your ally. If you are like Rick and hate it.. then yeah it isnt for you. Just my disclaimer!!!
So another week has gone by.. and Christmas is less than a week away! Yay!! Random but I have 5997 views of my blog. Wow. I can't believe people actually take time out to read this shit. Great stuff. Yeah.. some have told me that I'm unforgettable, and I tend to believe them.
Yesterday Rick had his remicade and I wrapped my mom's Christmas gifts for my dad. Haha! He loves me and bless his heart but he can't wrap gifts for shit so either my brother or I wrap gifts for him so it was me this year! So after Rick was out of his infusion we spent the ENTIRE day.. literally.. to finish up shopping. We did all of the Atown stores and then had to go to Skowvegas to pick up Rick's Nana's gift because we couldnt find it anywhere in Augusta or H20ville. Go figure, it is always our luck. It was nice to spend some time with him though even though he was a bit groggy from the infusion and we got to look at Christmas lights on homes.. which is one of my most favorite things to do in the Christmas season. OH and I finished Rick's shopping, finally!!! And I bought my bestest a lovely gift and I picked up some stuff for New Years, cant wait!!

Work is going well, we have all sorts of assessments this week.. and Im nervous but it will be alright, I will get it done!!!

And yeah... that is my little update for the week.

original post 12/20/08

God made the world in 7 days...

... I can shatter mine in 7 seconds...


So my first week of training at T-Mobile is done and it went well. I have a great class of people but the information has been a bit dry to say the least. Learning the systems is interesting but it is like all the information is being thrown at me and I need to make sure I figure out how to get things all together once I get calls. I think the rest of us in the class, well, maybe a couple feel the way I do -- at least I hope they do!! I go back tomorrow to start my week again and I am excited to learn more but I hope I get things and start putting things together. I keep getting told that it will come together so I am believing them!
Today I am just having a little "me" time because Rick is at work even though he is in horrible pain from having two, yes two hernias. I feel so bad for him. I have seen him in pain before of course but this is so hard. I'm genuinely worried for him and his well being, my heart is worried. He is so strong though, more than I think he gives himself credit for. Yesterday I made sure he lifted barely anything... I returned bottles.. lifted our heavy ass laundry bags.. I just did everything because I know that one false move and the hernias could get worse. Right now.. I dont need him getting worse and I hope that once he sees the surgeon Wednesday (who is amazing) that Rick will be scheduled for surgery within the week because he can't keep doing this. He keeps a strong front though, he does, and that is something I adore and admire about him but he is in pain, and I need him to rest.
I just did my "duties" taking care of our zillion pets. Both bunny cages are clean and they jumped and binkied around (which means they are excited and happy), I made them some treats, I cleaned the gerbil cage, gave treats to the kitties... and fed the fish. Yesterday was super sad.. my beta that Rick gave me almost 3 years ago, BeBe (he might have liked the boy betas ) died. I'm so bummed. I asked Rick for another Beta for Christmas.. I hope I get one, it would be the best gift ever.
Last night Rick and I went to his Nana's to visit and have dinner. We hung out with Matt and Annie.. and his Aunt Diane and Uncle Gary. We had dinner and then... we thought we should put up the Christmas tree for Nana. This is the first Christmas since Grampa's passing and I think it was great that we put it up for her to show her that we care, that we all miss him too, and that he probably would have wanted a tree up as well. Grampa's passing was the first in Rick's family to pass away and I know it is going to be hard for them. I keep Rick's entire family in my prayers.
Every year Rick and I buy a Christmas ornament to show for another year of us being together and last night I went to Rite Aid to grab some soda on my way home because a train was crossing so I figured I would stop.. but while I was in there I walked through the Christmas aisle for the hell of it and I bought two ornaments, a dove, and a bird house with a cardinal on it.. because.. on Rick's Nana and Grampa's tree they always put a white dove on it... and they also have a birdhouse one like it. These ornaments are for Rick and this year... and to remember Grampa. I took a couple of pictures of the ornaments that we have bought through the years, they are great and remind me of all the holidays Rick and I have spent by each other's side.
So that's it for now, it's all I got.


"When you're little, nighttime is scary because there are monsters hiding underneath the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different; self doubt, lonliness, regret, and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark"

original post 12/06/08

can you believe

that in one year... 365 days.. it will be Rick and my wedding day. Holy shit. RUN! haha. I'm just kidding but it is making me realize that I need to start getting my ass in gear. I need to get our engagement pictures done, I need to start actually looking at dresses, ah!! We have picked our locations, invites, cake etc.. so at least we have started things.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all, you have been great friends and I hope you had a wonderful holiday. You wouldn't believe what I woke up to. Rick got a call that someone had HIT my car PARKED in the DRIVEWAY. What the fuck. We went and looked and ouch, poor Oliver (yes, that is the name of my car). I am thankful though that the owner of the pickup truck that hit me was honest enough to call the police, do the report etc because today I called their insurance and ended up with a loaner and my car is getting towed to a body shop in the morning. Check out the damage. It is so sad!

I start T-Mobile on Sunday and am super nervous, but I will be fine... I just want to get all this car stuff behind me!!

Alright... well I want to wrap a couple of gifts and relax a bit before bed. I took a nap at Rick's Nana's today and am not tired yet. Soon though.. maybe?

Again, hope you all had a wonderful holiday and realized what you were thankful for, I did.

original post.. 11/29/08