Sunday, February 13, 2011

late night ramblings

3am in the morning. Hello again.

I spent a huge chunk of time working on schoolwork. It’s frustrating, stressful but completely rewarding. I keep hoping that I receive some sort of heads up... a beacon of light so to speak that gives me the answer to the question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I still don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to be at T-Mobile forever. Maybe I can stick with T-Mobile but get off of the phones as much. I love talking and assisting, but there are certain aspects now that are just dreadful.
It’s been almost 4 months now that I have had to take something to sleep, whether it is Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, or an Ambien. I hate Ambien. It makes me sleep phenomenally but I don’t remember anything leading up to when I get into bed. I trust those around me so it isn’t like worrying about being harmed, but it is more on the level of losing control. I am a control freak, a hound so to speak. I like things to be done the way I anticipate them to be done and if things aren’t done like I am used to, it gets under my skin. Tangent aside, I don’t know the reason behind my complete lack of natural sleep. My circadian rhythm is messed up. I have always been a night owl and I do know that contributes to it, but before I was able to naturally get tired and now I have to become sleepy artificially. I’ve started taking melatonin and valerian root as I have heard it helps, Valerian root is helping with more anxiety than anything, and melatonin is alright. I can feel when I take melatonin as I can feel it messing me up a bit. It doesn’t give a euphoric feeling to anything like that, but I continuously yawn and stretch until I succumb to the sleep monster.

Visited with my dad a bit today, it was a small visit but nice. I’m working on trying to maintain my friendships with my friends and family. It seems near impossibly sometimes because Joel is in another city working, my mom works and is spending time with family and friends, and of course all friends have different work schedules or agendas. Phew. Everyone comes together when they need to, and I understand that fully so this isn’t a statement of resentment, rather one of observance.

Sidenote: Halle Berry in Gothika is surprisingly a successful role for her. She can pull of intelligent with a side order of crazy.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I've been in a bit of a slump. Is it weird to feel jealous and happy at the same time? It's crazy. When I see pregnant women around me smiling, happy, thrilled for the fact they are bringing in another life into this world, I share in their happiness but long to experience the same feeling. It's just an odd feeling to try to explain to people, so... I don't try. I believe that it will happen when the time is right, but sometimes I wonder... when is the time going to be right? How many more times can my body fail me? I don't even know. It can make one person not feel like a woman if that begins to shed light on how I feel. I can see these single girls that have no idea who their baby's daddy is... and they get knocked up a few times and live off the system... and they live their life and I.. well.. I'm married to my best friend, live in a nice apartment and want nothing more to take our relationship to the next level and bring a life into this world. I just hope that it is in the cards for me.

I've been looking at a lot of different options and different interventions to help with fertility and I am hoping to benefit from what I am implementing. I think for the most part I have a good set of doctors and whatnot, and of course there are changes in myself that I need to make. I am just hoping and praying that in the next 2ish years we will figure it out and I will get pregnant.

Alright enough of that. It's hard to try to be positive but I am trying for sure.

Ugh, I start writing and insert a huge migraine. Blah.

School has been increasingly difficult. It's hard. It's very writing intensive and I don't mind that aspect of it, but the assignments are completely abstract and aren't exactly correlating with the curriculum. It kind of confuses me, but I will get it straight. I'm a straight forward thinker for the most part and these papers and assignments literally stump me to the point where I have to put it away.

I need to put the laptop away... maybe schedule some stuff out for school.. 2 papers and 3 journal entries due by Sunday, all while helping my sister in law move. phew.