Friday, January 16, 2009

Feel the rain on your skin, breathe in the air around you

Weird as this is right now, I am feeling strangely reflective and nostalgic. I don't quite understand the reason behind it but I feel as though I am not alone right now as I sit in the living room... it isn't a scary feeling, it is comforting. I am home. It might be my Memere, it might be my imagination at it's finest, but I am going to think it is my grandmother in the room.. watching a movie with me that we first watched together when I was a child, Jurassic Park. I remember her just going on about the movie.. stories.. the books she would read, oh Lord, the books she would get me hooked on and how we would compare buildings to T-Rex's and everything. I miss her deeply and on a level stronger than just a family member that has passed away. I swear that.. when she left this world in the human body form part of me left with her but in these moments like this it is like the empty hole in my body is no longer vacant, that part is complete and I can smile and feel the warmth of her love. She is comforting me, telling me that things are okay, maybe she is proud? Today I took a big step so feeling this way isn't hugely surprising even though I haven't felt her presence in over 6 months.

Rick and I made a step and joined our checking accounts. No big deal right? Okay... but it slapped me straight in the face with the reality that our lives legally are going to be intertwined together forever in less than 10 months and when she told us that once we got married all I needed to do was bring in the marriage certificate or my new drivers license and social security card with my new last name on it... I got cold. Shivers ran down my entire body and I felt awkward. Me, I felt awkward!! My life is going to change, I am going to be a wife. Holy fuck, a wife. My last name Stetson would be no longer.. and Tatarcyk would replace it. No one knows how much I have wanted to get married to Rick, no one could even begin to grasp how badly I have wanted this but to me, we are married and this is the legality portion of it. We have been together for over 6 years, endured things many couples would never have had to go through.. and we sit together side by side each night just lost in each other's craziness. The woman who opened our account today fell in love with us and our dynamic.. people say we are made for one another and I completely believe that but today was the first time I ever ever ever had a "cold feet" moment. The moment passed, it did, and I embraced it because I am growing up... life is changing and this is just the next step in a life I want to lead and was born to lead.

So with this all being said with a heavy heart and a light hand... things are starting to all fall into place, the way I think they were meant to happen... and this is when I thank my faith... because even though it isn't there physically like something you can touch or even smell, you have to have the ability to feel it inside you and believe that it is there guiding you along.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

flossing hurts

I havent blogged in awhile so I figured I would jet out a little one out while I watch American Idol.. I need to get back to my book!! Yeah, Im a geek and have read the entire Twilight series.. in.. like over a week and it is insane. Such a an amazingly great series though.. I just have like 200 pages left of Breaking Dawn left... and I should go to bed early but sometimes I am all for reading, it just happens to be one of the only things that relaxes me. Work is wild... lots of calls.. lots of challenges but lots of opportunities to grow. I cant wait to get to production and be on a team officially but I am also a bit scared of leaving the group of people I am with. It will be okay. I am doing well... getting better each day and personally that is all I can ask for. I think my trainer and training assistant are happy with my progression. I love the fact I can talk to people all day, even the ones that are angry... I can do this job and I think I can do it well. I really think though that my goal might be to be where my trainer Angela and Randy are.. teaching. Who knows, I dont know!Rick has surgery next week and I am nervous for him but I know he will be fine and I am saying prayers each day for him. I will be there with him every second after, I love him more than life itself. Enough of the mush. He and I think everyone knows how much I love him. OH and the day after Rick's surgery just happens to me MY BIRTHDAY!!! yay!!!... and yeah. I wish I had more right now but I dont.~Jill

The hour has begun
Your eyes have now opened
To a world where madness craves
To a world where hopes enslaved
Oh, Ill tremble for my love always
Your windows, opened wide
Your innocence takes flight
To a world where madness craves
To a world where hopes enslaved
Oh, Ill tremble for my love always
Its a world where madness craves
Its a world where hopes enslaved
Oh, I tremble for my love always
Its a world where madness craves
Its a world where hopes enslaved
Yeah, I tremble for you, love, always

original post 1/12/09

2009 better be a good one

2009 is here, yeah... time is one of those things that catches up on us whether we really want it to or not, it isn't up to us. I look back on 2008 and wonder, what did I do, what did I learn, what did I change and if I did all these things.. did it make me better?

We all strive to be something that will make others proud of you, you dont want to be that person who gets nowhere in life. I in 2008 couldnt tell you what I wanted to do... I was lost most of the year.. and right now as I type this I have the start of a stable future in front of me. 12 months ago though, 2008 started the same way.. I felt as though I had a base of a life started and it crumbled. It is ironic that one year later I am starting on the same, yet slightly different journey and I am wondering to myself... is this the path I am going to stay on. If that didnt make sense, sorry but to me the words and my thoughts make exact sense of what I feel/felt. 2008 started with me having a great job with pay.. to me leaving that job and then trying to find things to pawn and sell to keep an apartment over my head.. to see the bills come in and me not get a job.. to see disapointment in the faces of those who believed that I could have been this amazing person.. a person who could have conquered the world... and I was trying to just keep afloat. I struggled... I dont know how we made it, or how he even stayed with me or even wanted to.. I dont know how some morning I woke up... but I did and here I am. Its a new year and perhaps, a new start.
Did I make a New Years resolution? Fuck no. Let me tell you this, I am never one to say I am going to make a new years resolution and stick to it because I want to be forever changing myself into someone better.. but I am not going to make a specific resolution because to be 100 percent honest with you, I will break it. I could have made a resolution to break the resolution so finally one of the resolutions I made I could have completed successfully.
2008 brought great joy, heartache, lonliness, and fullfillment. Yeah.. a great weird combination but.. joy that I was with Rick... joy that my relationship with my parents was improving... being up there with Jen, the closest thing I will ever have to a sister, as a bridesmaid at her and Josh's wedding... heartache when Rick and Jen lost their Grampa... desperation of seeing Jen get nearly killed in a car accident.. desperation of bad habits left in the past... lonliness in missing my memere every single second of each day and knowing she would understand every single of my feelings.. and fulfillment just this past month that I might have found a career path that gives me exactly what I need.

What do I want in 2009 is simple. I want to be me. I want to laugh, smile, and love wholeheartedly. I want to get married to the person who has made me complete for six years. I want to thrive in a job where I feel I can make some sort of difference. ... I just want to be me ...

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

original post 1/02/09

Santa brought me my first Michael Jackson jacket..

he brought me one too... HEY, me too! threesome!!' - Bam, Novak, Frantz

Where the fuck is Santa is such a hilarious movie, if you like all the Bam shit then this is right up your ally. If you are like Rick and hate it.. then yeah it isnt for you. Just my disclaimer!!!
So another week has gone by.. and Christmas is less than a week away! Yay!! Random but I have 5997 views of my blog. Wow. I can't believe people actually take time out to read this shit. Great stuff. Yeah.. some have told me that I'm unforgettable, and I tend to believe them.
Yesterday Rick had his remicade and I wrapped my mom's Christmas gifts for my dad. Haha! He loves me and bless his heart but he can't wrap gifts for shit so either my brother or I wrap gifts for him so it was me this year! So after Rick was out of his infusion we spent the ENTIRE day.. literally.. to finish up shopping. We did all of the Atown stores and then had to go to Skowvegas to pick up Rick's Nana's gift because we couldnt find it anywhere in Augusta or H20ville. Go figure, it is always our luck. It was nice to spend some time with him though even though he was a bit groggy from the infusion and we got to look at Christmas lights on homes.. which is one of my most favorite things to do in the Christmas season. OH and I finished Rick's shopping, finally!!! And I bought my bestest a lovely gift and I picked up some stuff for New Years, cant wait!!

Work is going well, we have all sorts of assessments this week.. and Im nervous but it will be alright, I will get it done!!!

And yeah... that is my little update for the week.

original post 12/20/08

God made the world in 7 days...

... I can shatter mine in 7 seconds...


So my first week of training at T-Mobile is done and it went well. I have a great class of people but the information has been a bit dry to say the least. Learning the systems is interesting but it is like all the information is being thrown at me and I need to make sure I figure out how to get things all together once I get calls. I think the rest of us in the class, well, maybe a couple feel the way I do -- at least I hope they do!! I go back tomorrow to start my week again and I am excited to learn more but I hope I get things and start putting things together. I keep getting told that it will come together so I am believing them!
Today I am just having a little "me" time because Rick is at work even though he is in horrible pain from having two, yes two hernias. I feel so bad for him. I have seen him in pain before of course but this is so hard. I'm genuinely worried for him and his well being, my heart is worried. He is so strong though, more than I think he gives himself credit for. Yesterday I made sure he lifted barely anything... I returned bottles.. lifted our heavy ass laundry bags.. I just did everything because I know that one false move and the hernias could get worse. Right now.. I dont need him getting worse and I hope that once he sees the surgeon Wednesday (who is amazing) that Rick will be scheduled for surgery within the week because he can't keep doing this. He keeps a strong front though, he does, and that is something I adore and admire about him but he is in pain, and I need him to rest.
I just did my "duties" taking care of our zillion pets. Both bunny cages are clean and they jumped and binkied around (which means they are excited and happy), I made them some treats, I cleaned the gerbil cage, gave treats to the kitties... and fed the fish. Yesterday was super sad.. my beta that Rick gave me almost 3 years ago, BeBe (he might have liked the boy betas ) died. I'm so bummed. I asked Rick for another Beta for Christmas.. I hope I get one, it would be the best gift ever.
Last night Rick and I went to his Nana's to visit and have dinner. We hung out with Matt and Annie.. and his Aunt Diane and Uncle Gary. We had dinner and then... we thought we should put up the Christmas tree for Nana. This is the first Christmas since Grampa's passing and I think it was great that we put it up for her to show her that we care, that we all miss him too, and that he probably would have wanted a tree up as well. Grampa's passing was the first in Rick's family to pass away and I know it is going to be hard for them. I keep Rick's entire family in my prayers.
Every year Rick and I buy a Christmas ornament to show for another year of us being together and last night I went to Rite Aid to grab some soda on my way home because a train was crossing so I figured I would stop.. but while I was in there I walked through the Christmas aisle for the hell of it and I bought two ornaments, a dove, and a bird house with a cardinal on it.. because.. on Rick's Nana and Grampa's tree they always put a white dove on it... and they also have a birdhouse one like it. These ornaments are for Rick and this year... and to remember Grampa. I took a couple of pictures of the ornaments that we have bought through the years, they are great and remind me of all the holidays Rick and I have spent by each other's side.
So that's it for now, it's all I got.


"When you're little, nighttime is scary because there are monsters hiding underneath the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different; self doubt, lonliness, regret, and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark"

original post 12/06/08

can you believe

that in one year... 365 days.. it will be Rick and my wedding day. Holy shit. RUN! haha. I'm just kidding but it is making me realize that I need to start getting my ass in gear. I need to get our engagement pictures done, I need to start actually looking at dresses, ah!! We have picked our locations, invites, cake etc.. so at least we have started things.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all, you have been great friends and I hope you had a wonderful holiday. You wouldn't believe what I woke up to. Rick got a call that someone had HIT my car PARKED in the DRIVEWAY. What the fuck. We went and looked and ouch, poor Oliver (yes, that is the name of my car). I am thankful though that the owner of the pickup truck that hit me was honest enough to call the police, do the report etc because today I called their insurance and ended up with a loaner and my car is getting towed to a body shop in the morning. Check out the damage. It is so sad!

I start T-Mobile on Sunday and am super nervous, but I will be fine... I just want to get all this car stuff behind me!!

Alright... well I want to wrap a couple of gifts and relax a bit before bed. I took a nap at Rick's Nana's today and am not tired yet. Soon though.. maybe?

Again, hope you all had a wonderful holiday and realized what you were thankful for, I did.

original post.. 11/29/08