2009 is here, yeah... time is one of those things that catches up on us whether we really want it to or not, it isn't up to us. I look back on 2008 and wonder, what did I do, what did I learn, what did I change and if I did all these things.. did it make me better?
We all strive to be something that will make others proud of you, you dont want to be that person who gets nowhere in life. I in 2008 couldnt tell you what I wanted to do... I was lost most of the year.. and right now as I type this I have the start of a stable future in front of me. 12 months ago though, 2008 started the same way.. I felt as though I had a base of a life started and it crumbled. It is ironic that one year later I am starting on the same, yet slightly different journey and I am wondering to myself... is this the path I am going to stay on. If that didnt make sense, sorry but to me the words and my thoughts make exact sense of what I feel/felt. 2008 started with me having a great job with pay.. to me leaving that job and then trying to find things to pawn and sell to keep an apartment over my head.. to see the bills come in and me not get a job.. to see disapointment in the faces of those who believed that I could have been this amazing person.. a person who could have conquered the world... and I was trying to just keep afloat. I struggled... I dont know how we made it, or how he even stayed with me or even wanted to.. I dont know how some morning I woke up... but I did and here I am. Its a new year and perhaps, a new start.
Did I make a New Years resolution? Fuck no. Let me tell you this, I am never one to say I am going to make a new years resolution and stick to it because I want to be forever changing myself into someone better.. but I am not going to make a specific resolution because to be 100 percent honest with you, I will break it. I could have made a resolution to break the resolution so finally one of the resolutions I made I could have completed successfully.
2008 brought great joy, heartache, lonliness, and fullfillment. Yeah.. a great weird combination but.. joy that I was with Rick... joy that my relationship with my parents was improving... being up there with Jen, the closest thing I will ever have to a sister, as a bridesmaid at her and Josh's wedding... heartache when Rick and Jen lost their Grampa... desperation of seeing Jen get nearly killed in a car accident.. desperation of bad habits left in the past... lonliness in missing my memere every single second of each day and knowing she would understand every single of my feelings.. and fulfillment just this past month that I might have found a career path that gives me exactly what I need.
What do I want in 2009 is simple. I want to be me. I want to laugh, smile, and love wholeheartedly. I want to get married to the person who has made me complete for six years. I want to thrive in a job where I feel I can make some sort of difference. ... I just want to be me ...
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland
original post 1/02/09