Thursday, May 28, 2009

Update time.

It has been almost a few weeks since I blogged.. and let me tell you things havent really been boring there has been lots going on so I think I am just going to break things into categories.

Wedding: Things are certainly coming along! Rick and I are weeks out from ordering our invitations which is really exciting. We found the perfect ones and I couldn't be happier. I have all the bubbles decorated, the decor that will go around the unity candles, I have the pew bows started (phase 1 of 4 done), we have most all decor, my gown of course (which is big now!), and we pretty much have our wedding ceremony with all the readings picked out. We planned on going to this marriage prep course in June but with everything going on around my health (read below) I think we are going to have to take the class offered in November. Oh well, we do what we need to do.

Health: My health is up in the air. The doctors are still trying to figure out why I am collapsing and passing out and my neurologist is admitting me into the hospital for a week starting June 8th. I am not excited. Some people are like, thats awesome you miss a week of work but I am literally scared. I dont want to have 26 electrodes glued to my head. I cant have a tv in my room or have anything plugged in because it messes up with the transmissions. Basically I can read, bring a laptop (too bad this one doesnt hold a fucking charge) my mp3 player.. and Im trying to see what and how I can charge my mini dvd player so I can watch movies or something. Those 4 days are going to be hell. I cant leave my bed. Ugh. I hope they figure out whats wrong with me so I can get shit figured out.

Work: I am getting better at work which is a miracle. I always take critique well, I dont push back I just embrace it and try to make it work for me and because of that in the past month I have lowered my call times, I have improved my quality.. I am really happy with where I am. My goal is to just become a better rep because in all honesty, I would like to be off the phones in Learning and Development helping with training and advancement in the company. We shall see. I dont know. It really is something I would want, I think I am getting better with the systems but I want to get off the phones. I gave myself a year and a half as a goal.. and I am 6 months in and I am seeing improvement so that is all that matters.

Friends/Family: Today, well technically yesterday was my parents 26th wedding anniversary so Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! Love you Both. Joels working and living in Portland.. working his ass off. We talk here and there while hes working but besides that, our schedules kind of conflict. I hope I see him soon! Friend wise things on that front are going well. I have amazing ones that I havent seen in awhile, sorry guys :( But soon we all need to go out. I do though know I have lost a friend or seriously hurt a friendship, which is hard and I have apologized to her many times but I guess we will see if time heals that wound. I hope it does, our friendship would be 21 years old next year. Who knows if it will get to that. Its just sad. I hate that feeling, of seeing someone you care about fall away from your life, it breaks my heart to be honest with you but you never know what will come of all this. Maybe things will get better? I sure hope they do.

And thats all for right now.

If I come up with something more... I will update again! Maybe I will be in that sort of mood tonight, who knows.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The past always resurfaces

This new medicine is driving me crazy. I get moments where I am super down and sad... and then I go back to right where I usually feel, an upbeat happy chipper girl. It is frustrating and sad at the same time. I didnt honestly realize I was going through this but Rick told me I was having a "Bi-Polar" moment when I posted a song lyric from Linkin Park on my facebook. Said it was a cry for attention and to be honest, it wasnt a cry for attention, it was just how I felt at that time. I wont make excuses for my feelings, I wont because I dont pretend to be something Im not but I was told this medication I am using to help with the epilepsy could make *old* feelings and symptoms of my past resurface and I hope that this isnt the case. I kind of want to make people tell me if they notice something .. like a change in my personality.. you know? I shared one of my blogs that not everyone can see to Mia.. to let her know where I come from.. what I have gone through.. and its ... well my past is simply that. It is the past and I am what I am.. I have done what I have done and I cant go and undo that. Even though it is an amazing though that poof... 2 years ago I could have undone all this... but really what would life be like? I certainly know I wouldnt be the person I am today and to be honest with you... I really am starting to like the person I am. Each day is a new opportunity to better yourself and I completely believe that and tomorrow is a another day.
All my love to all of those who have held me up when I havent had the strength to do it myself.
~J

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Metal means... fuck.


This kid here... means the world to me...
I am so terrified, I won't lie at all. I don't really like crying about it or showing how scared I am but this passing out/collapsing/blacking out deal needs to stop. The neurologist started me on a medication for epilepsy and I keep on passing out. I smell metal usually right before/after it happens. Weird I know. It is a nice heads up though that I am going to fall down. Emotionally though... I am already down and trying to get back up. I got a call today to get another CT scan and some bloodwork done so I did all of that before work and ugh, I am so completely frustrated. I will be waiting for a call tomorrow with results and hope they call, if they dont.. man I will be pissed.
Alright well... I am going to watch a movie.. and wow.. whats is up with the season finales of shows? Lost fucked my mind up, The office was great with Pam being pregnant! and Greys.. well... was horribly sad and I cried. Whatever. Rick makes fun of me sometimes just because they arent real people etc but Danielle TOTALLY understands where I come from!
I love Forgetting Sarah Marshall.. maybe it is just because of Russell Brand. Hmmm...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Biggest Day

You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days...

This... just resonates with me. Not sure why right now. It just does.... I am hoping the biggest day of my life will be coming in November... I deserve it... I sometimes though feel as though I am hitting a wall. I want to make everyone happy and at the end of the day I tend to forget about those closest. Sometimes I question if my quirky way of life can be overlooked and I can be accepted for who I am, clutter... and craziness included.


*my stomach hurts. this new medicine makes me sick every night. I need this to pass. Right now I feel like its going to come back up.*

Saturday, May 09, 2009

black nail polish

makes me feel sexy right now... and feeling sexy for me is a rare thing so let me relish in this moment!

Today I had my neurology appointment and I want to thank everyone for your messages, comments, millions of text messages (ahem Mia ) but thank you for your concern... and of course.. Thank you Rick for driving me because I need someone to cart my ass around. Glad we had "Maggie" aka "Megan" our fantastic GPS with us. Haha. The neurologist started me on a new medication for epilepsy.. yeah I know huh.. crazy. They might need to have me do a week long observation in Lewiston but we shall see. NO cancer though.. NO tumors.. nothing so Thank God about that. The only draw back with this new medication is the side effects and one of the huge side effects is insomnia.. which isnt really something I need but it is what it is hence me writing this at 3 am. If it stops me from passing out I am all for it. Last night I passed out in the shower and hit my elbow pretty hard. Oh well, I'm glad Rick was there to pull me up and take care of me. I guess maybe sometimes I dont thank him enough... maybe I take him for granted... take him as my own bitching post where if I am sad/frustrated/pissed/scared.. I unleash it on him, and it isnt fair, it isnt but I trust him 100% and he is my rock.


Rick, I love you and thank you for everything even though my words and actions may not show it. Look at all this wedding stuff I am doing, this should just give you some idea of how much you mean to me!!!

So I started back tanning and got a sweet burn, it sucks. It will go away in a few more days but it doesnt feel good whatsoever. It isnt just to make me tan, which I like... but the UV light from the booth itself it therapeutic to me... and it always has been, even my mom agrees with me... so I went.. and burned a bit but it was a nice feeling. Oh you know what else rocks??? Since my mom bought my wedding dress a couple of months ago... I am down over 20 pounds. Holy shit. I feel like sometimes I have been trying to lose it, sometimes not.. but its coming off. The doctor says to constantly monitor it and do daily morning weights so that is what I am going to do.

Alright.. well I am going to finish this up.. might write tomorrow... but I am feeling out of thoughts for the moment