Risk Everything

So once again... my life had a bump. Why do I feel sometimes as though I am the only one I know experiencing these things? Makes me feel abnormal, you know? Oh well. The past 5 days have been horrible, but in the long run.... in the bigger picture I know this is what I need to do.. and hearing Rick say to do it for our future children.. gave me chills and made me believe and strive to go to where I need to go and be. That is the one thing I know I was born to do.. I was born to be a mother, that is God's will for me, at least in my world it is. I want Rick and I to have baby Tatarcyks running around.. it will make our zoo of a home more full of joy. Eventually in time this will come, we have to get ourselves settled first.

Saturday, 3/13/2010 - Day One. This may not make sense to some of you but to those who it does... and to me this date is doing to be crucial. I am going to celebrate every week until I hit one month, then every month after. This is a process and Im glad that you who are in my group of support are there for me, makes me feel extremely blessed.

The worst part is over even though last night I was sick yet again, this part needs to change asap in my world. I hate feeling as sick as I did, poor Rick had to see me like that last night. It certainly wasnt my worst day/night but still wasnt great nevertheless. I think... and I say think cautiously that I am going to take as much soda out of my life as possible. Mind you, I say this as I am drinking one right now, but I think I need to take some out of my body. Baby steps... baby steps...

Im out of work for the week.. I have appointments and meetings to go to.. and it is a bit overwhelming but necessary. I keep telling myself and reassuring myself that all of these steps are needed. Sometimes its amazing to see the amount of people around you give you support.. which is amazing, and they are people you would never even guess that would do so. Makes me just believe someone is watching over me.

In other news, my wrists were redone! New chapter of life.. new tattoo additions to go with them. Interesting, I know.. but therapeutic in my world. I think "Jill's World" should be a place... man would people be confused/excited/lost/laughing hysterically/and happy all at the same time. Yeah kind of describes my life.

Other than that.. my mantra is "Risk Everything" and will be. If I dont put things on the line will I ever get anywhere? Risk of sadness, vulnerability, being confused.. being happy.. everything. I am putting myself out there and seeing what happens. I think the year 2010 is going to be all about me. Time to put me first.

Love to all... there are more of you, I just tagged the immediate ones that have been my backbone and will continue to be. Rick, you are my reason for waking up in the morning and living to be better and to everyone else... I would be in lost if you all were not there.

~Jill

Insomnia

It's been awhile and my medication that I had to start taking again and it is keeping me up so I figured I would get on here and update and post a blog. I'm going to just basically write it out in categories of my life just to highlight them.

Work: Work is going well and I picked realignment shift so I am working Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday 12-11 as of Aug 23rd. I am staying with my same coach (this shift was my first choice) and to make it even better my zen person of my team, Tony, is following him and is staying on the team with me so I will have someone I know, like and respect to shoot the shit with there. That alone makes work better. I would have been fine if I didnt know anyone on the team because I am trying to advance career wise but having Tony makes the transition easier! Seeing the rest of the team split up is kind of bitter sweet but its okay.

Health: I am alive but with that being said I am not feeling as well as I would hope. I had been feeling better but for the past week or so getting dizzy and unsteady has been something I have experienced each day. I am going to my primary doctor on Wednesday and then the neurologist the 14th and then the cardiologist at the start of September. On top of that... I have 6, yes 6 cavities and the dentist is going to be able to buy something pretty with the amount of cash I am paying him. Oh well, my teeth need to be in good condition and having that many cavities (and one root canal, fuck) isnt fun at all.

Wedding: Things are crazy. I cant believe the wedding is getting so close! We have so much done but still so much to do. I honestly, and this is going to sound probably super stupid and cliche, but I am just ready to be married to Rick. I mean as of next month we will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary.. and it is something I really want. I am thrilled, excited, nervous and anxious for November 28th! Last night I started envisioning me walking down the aisle with my dad and I am laying in bed... and I can feel my heart start racing and it is like wow. just wow. It hit me. I am getting married and couldnt be happier.

This fall is going to be a wild ride.. I am going to be working full time, going to school full time and getting married. Am I crazy? Perhaps. Do I enjoy putting stress on myself? Perhaps. Would I change anything? Never.

Alright, I am going to do some yoga and try to get some sleep. Sleep hasnt come easy and hasnt been good quality so I need some!

xoxo ~Jill

You're my only reason for staying alive...

if that's what I am - New Moon
*cant WAIT for that movie!!! fyi*

So in 4.5 hours I get admitted into the hospital until Thursday afternoon and Im not happy at all about this, I am actually dreading it in every aspect. Some people are like hey its a vacation, you are out of work, but I would rather be there.. working.. earning money.. doing my part. I need to do better at work.. I need to make money to pay for this wedding and this week being out is really hurting Rick and I financially. Its enough to get me down but the only light at the end of the tunnel is my neurologist finding out what is really wrong with me so we can fix it. That would be the silver lining in all of this, a simple answer. With that being said... I will have no tv or computer and will most likely be going crazy so if you have one of my numbers shoot me a text or something. Trust me, I will be in the mood to talk!

Im excited about the wedding stuff though, we bought our wedding invitations! Soooooooo happy! Rick and I need to sit down, finalize the wording, the font, the RSVP date all that stuff. Hey everyone.. what should the RSVP date be if the wedding is a holiday weekend (the Saturday after Thanksgiving) ?? Any input and advice would be most appreciated.
Rick surprised me. Yay. I wanted Russell Brand's book... called "Booky Wook" and Rick kept on making fun of me because it was shit etc and I just wanted it so bad because in the hospital I cant have anything plugged in in my room because of the electrical interference (tv, computer etc) and that book would keep me busy. I begged for it but after Saturday passed and we came home and partied with most of our wedding party minus Danielle, Joel and Luc (which fucking rocked, I love you all and it was much needed!!!) we didnt buy the book. I didnt think too much about it, just a book but tonight when I got home and went to check something in the bag of things I am bringing with me.. there it was.. the Booky Wook! <3 YAY! I can just imagine Rick and Matt going into Barnes and Noble buying a Russell Brand book.. and its hot pink and black. You guys always go and do weird stuff together like that time you guys went to go find that chair and went to all these furnature stores. haha. You guys would be cute together if you werent related.

Rick is husband material, even though he got Hitler as his answer to the quiz about which crazy ass fucker from the past would you be. I love you so much. <3

During game night I won at phase 10 even though I semi cheated off of Alicia's cards and I seriously kept on beating Matt, Erica, Amy, Jim and Ben at Buzz to the point where Matt threatened to leave our wedding party! Oh Matthew John. Such a brat!! Thank you all for coming over though.. I really needed it.. I was really down about going into the hospital and even though I am still nervous and sad as all hell, that little break really did help. Special thanks to Josh for some interesting pictures... and poor Jen for being so tired :( damn graduate school!!!

Alright.. so Tminus 4 hours until I get admitted.. 3 hours until Rick wakes up. I might try to sleep for an hour or so.. but I figure I will do some sleeping once I get there. Off to finish up packing.. finish this movie.. and then.. a nap.

xoxo
~Jill

Update time.

It has been almost a few weeks since I blogged.. and let me tell you things havent really been boring there has been lots going on so I think I am just going to break things into categories.

Wedding: Things are certainly coming along! Rick and I are weeks out from ordering our invitations which is really exciting. We found the perfect ones and I couldn't be happier. I have all the bubbles decorated, the decor that will go around the unity candles, I have the pew bows started (phase 1 of 4 done), we have most all decor, my gown of course (which is big now!), and we pretty much have our wedding ceremony with all the readings picked out. We planned on going to this marriage prep course in June but with everything going on around my health (read below) I think we are going to have to take the class offered in November. Oh well, we do what we need to do.

Health: My health is up in the air. The doctors are still trying to figure out why I am collapsing and passing out and my neurologist is admitting me into the hospital for a week starting June 8th. I am not excited. Some people are like, thats awesome you miss a week of work but I am literally scared. I dont want to have 26 electrodes glued to my head. I cant have a tv in my room or have anything plugged in because it messes up with the transmissions. Basically I can read, bring a laptop (too bad this one doesnt hold a fucking charge) my mp3 player.. and Im trying to see what and how I can charge my mini dvd player so I can watch movies or something. Those 4 days are going to be hell. I cant leave my bed. Ugh. I hope they figure out whats wrong with me so I can get shit figured out.

Work: I am getting better at work which is a miracle. I always take critique well, I dont push back I just embrace it and try to make it work for me and because of that in the past month I have lowered my call times, I have improved my quality.. I am really happy with where I am. My goal is to just become a better rep because in all honesty, I would like to be off the phones in Learning and Development helping with training and advancement in the company. We shall see. I dont know. It really is something I would want, I think I am getting better with the systems but I want to get off the phones. I gave myself a year and a half as a goal.. and I am 6 months in and I am seeing improvement so that is all that matters.

Friends/Family: Today, well technically yesterday was my parents 26th wedding anniversary so Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! Love you Both. Joels working and living in Portland.. working his ass off. We talk here and there while hes working but besides that, our schedules kind of conflict. I hope I see him soon! Friend wise things on that front are going well. I have amazing ones that I havent seen in awhile, sorry guys :( But soon we all need to go out. I do though know I have lost a friend or seriously hurt a friendship, which is hard and I have apologized to her many times but I guess we will see if time heals that wound. I hope it does, our friendship would be 21 years old next year. Who knows if it will get to that. Its just sad. I hate that feeling, of seeing someone you care about fall away from your life, it breaks my heart to be honest with you but you never know what will come of all this. Maybe things will get better? I sure hope they do.

And thats all for right now.

If I come up with something more... I will update again! Maybe I will be in that sort of mood tonight, who knows.

black nail polish

makes me feel sexy right now... and feeling sexy for me is a rare thing so let me relish in this moment!

Today I had my neurology appointment and I want to thank everyone for your messages, comments, millions of text messages (ahem Mia ) but thank you for your concern... and of course.. Thank you Rick for driving me because I need someone to cart my ass around. Glad we had "Maggie" aka "Megan" our fantastic GPS with us. Haha. The neurologist started me on a new medication for epilepsy.. yeah I know huh.. crazy. They might need to have me do a week long observation in Lewiston but we shall see. NO cancer though.. NO tumors.. nothing so Thank God about that. The only draw back with this new medication is the side effects and one of the huge side effects is insomnia.. which isnt really something I need but it is what it is hence me writing this at 3 am. If it stops me from passing out I am all for it. Last night I passed out in the shower and hit my elbow pretty hard. Oh well, I'm glad Rick was there to pull me up and take care of me. I guess maybe sometimes I dont thank him enough... maybe I take him for granted... take him as my own bitching post where if I am sad/frustrated/pissed/scared.. I unleash it on him, and it isnt fair, it isnt but I trust him 100% and he is my rock.

Rick, I love you and thank you for everything even though my words and actions may not show it. Look at all this wedding stuff I am doing, this should just give you some idea of how much you mean to me!!!

So I started back tanning and got a sweet burn, it sucks. It will go away in a few more days but it doesnt feel good whatsoever. It isnt just to make me tan, which I like... but the UV light from the booth itself it therapeutic to me... and it always has been, even my mom agrees with me... so I went.. and burned a bit but it was a nice feeling. Oh you know what else rocks??? Since my mom bought my wedding dress a couple of months ago... I am down over 20 pounds. Holy shit. I feel like sometimes I have been trying to lose it, sometimes not.. but its coming off. The doctor says to constantly monitor it and do daily morning weights so that is what I am going to do.

Alright.. well I am going to finish this up.. might write tomorrow... but I am feeling out of thoughts for the moment

My life, the swine flu, and gay marriage, oh my!

So as you all know... and have heard on every radio station and tv channel this soon to be "pandemic" of the swine flu is speading. Over 9 countries now.. and it has entered Maine, Kennebec county... and the confirmed case was just released. It was in the same hospital I was just in.. the one where I just spent 24+ hours in isolation where people had to come to me in gloves/gowns. They said that because of my past history with infections but it made me wonder, are those people who have the swine flu ... do they feel like that.. like they are a victim of the world, a "goblin," a disgrace so to speak where people can only enter a room with gloves/gowns/masks on and can never feel another person's touch? As someone on facebook said.. this will be the start of things.. and it relates to a reading in Genesis.. and I just think to myself, what is happening? Is it this years version of the bird flu? Perhaps, but why does it seem to be effecting so many more people and why of all people did a child have to die because of it? Hunger, Aids, and other diseases kill people -- whether man, woman or child each day but still, it is sad to see a child fall first victim to this virus. So me being the scared one I am, I wonder.. what the hell was I exposed to? The swine flu while I was there? The fucking crazy swine flu? Every room was under procautions above and beyond standard... I guess I just didnt think of it that way that something was up. I woke up this morning, was sick and had a 101.2 fever before I even knew where the Kennebec county case was confirmed and once I heard that all I could think of was Rick, and how bad his immune system is. The regular flu could kill him let alone something like this. I started crying right there. I took some medications.. a cocktail I wont get into... but the fever is down, my stomach is empty but not hungry.. just very queasy. It will pass... they always say it will. Mind over matter, mind over matter... I figure if I use it as a mantra it will work.

******

So Maine did something monumental today and I dont care honestly if you agree with me or not, but same sex marriages and legal rights were brought into legislation! I am thrilled!! It is a huge step, not sure how much farther it will get but getting this far is such a large step in the RIGHT direction. Let me explain one thing. I am Catholic and dont question my beliefs, save yourself the time because all you will end up doing is pissing me off. Step back and dont throw the Bible into my face either. I myself personally believe that everyone was given the right to live and they should be given the same rights when it comes to who they want to love and be with. Does that make me something horrible? A bad Catholic? Perhaps but at the end of the day, I dont care. I want everyone to be happy... like I have said before and I will constantly back... love is hard enough to find and if you find it, hold onto it and never let go. On my personal judgement day will this be the deciding fact on whether or not I get into Heaven? If it is... then I'm sorry to say, maybe it's a place I don't want to go. Why can't people just let everyone live in equality? And why cant those who disagree keep out of it. My brothers best friend is gay and guess what, I love him as if he were blood and him to me, and if me loving him makes me a bad person because of his sexual preference.. then what of me? I can honestly say, I dont care.

******

I took today off from work... the doctor originally wanted me to take next week off entirely until I had my neurology appointment but I got her to give me the okay to go back Sunday which is a blessing. We really need the money for the wedding. I mean, Rick and I are doing well, we just need to get everything saved up. I am excited, scared, nervous. In sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live... those are serious vows and if I am making that pledge in front of everyone, our family and friends and God, I want everything to be perfect. The planning is going well though and we are etching away at our ceremony and the readings. I am thrilled to be getting married in my childhood church, St. Augustines. My Memere would be so proud and there will be her rosary...at the base of my bouquet. Im not walking down that aisle without her. Just got teary. I miss her and need to bring flowers to her grave, along with my brother Adam's. I tend to them at least once a month when the weather is nice and its time. Maybe this weekend. I need to talk to her too and I do it best while there.So this is a huge blog but it is what it is. I just want to thank those who kept me company via AIM and text while I was waiting in the emergency room and while I was in my hospital room, alone and scared. And thanks of course to you all who have said prayers and have sent warm wishes, you keep me going. ♥

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it"

<><

~Jill Sara~

not deserved

Its hard to be an optimist while I lay here in a hospital bed. Im alone... dizzy... and not happy. Admitting to yourself you aren't happy isn't easy but I just overcame that.Why does this shit happen to me? I was over this health bump and fine.. Now its back and its my heart and brain. Double whammy. Things will get better so I am told but I write this in a hospital bed alone and wondering... why me?


**original post 4/29 via sidekick in the emergency room waiting to get admitted**

Feel like a ticking time bomb

**original post 4/7**

Its 230 am and I should be asleep, safe in dreamland where I'm not scared or worried or anything of the above. I feel like my mind is just boggled down with so much shit that I cant even begin to concentrate on sleeping. I could take something to sleep, should have thought of that about 2 hours ago, fuck, what the hell. I SHOULD have done that but it would have made me groggy in the morning and I dont want to be sleepy for work. I am now wearing the heart monitor for a month.. so I think I have about 2 1/2 weeks left. I am seriously counting down the days. I HATE THIS THING! I had my follow up today and it sucked and I am pissed, and scared. Scared of what? Scared of what I might have... what I might not have and what else might have to happen to figure out what is going on with me. I had a neurological exam, a simple one done by my PA and I failed it, twice. My pupils are completely blown, they didnt respond to the light properly and the right side of my face... the strength isnt what it should be. She looked a bit worried and has scheduled me for a neuro consult, which I am completely fine with but now I have to have an EEG Friday, along with an MRI and then I have to have an MRA which looks at the vessels in my head to see if there are any weak spots etc. I am so nervous. I want them to find something for them to treat but am hoping they dont because I dont want something to be wrong... but I dont like things to be up in the air.. I hate uncertainty. Ugh. I want to punch a wall and scream. Yeah, that can't be healthy.Oh and dear Tmobile, dear oh dear Tmobile, since when is Easter not a holiday? It is the resurrection of our Lord and we are supposed to be sharing it at church and with our family, but no it is a work day. What the fuck. Literally. What the fuck! I am wanting an Easter Egg hunt at work. Mia and I are on it!And.. I am going to watch a couple of episodes of The Office and get lost in the story even though I have seen every episode in hopes of forgetting what might be going on. *News!* Rick and I have started to put together our wedding ceremony so I am thrilled, and yes mom, the engagement announcement is on it's way.This song.. I dont know.. just is sitting with me right now and I cant get it out of my head.
-------------------------------------
Memories sharp as daggers.

Pierce into the flesh of today.

Suicide of love took away all that matters.

And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart.

With the venomous kiss you gave me,

I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)

With the warmth of your arms you saved me,

I'm killing loneliness, with you.

The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.

I'm killing loneliness.

Nailed to a cross together,

As solitude begs us to stay.

We disappear in the life forever,

And denounce the power of death over our souls as secret words are sent to start a war.

With the venomous kiss you gave me,

I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)

With the warmth of your arms you saved me,

I'm killing loneliness, with you.

The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.

I'm killing loneliness.