Thursday, July 31, 2008

Wow, 3 years since I have posted to this thing.

Insane, first off. I am SUCH a huge blogger and have been doing so since forever... and I have been using my myspace blog and my actual journal to write but I forgot about this.. and then I was reading my friend Lindsay's blog and was like... Ding dong! I have a blog and I HAVENT written in ages. Insane.

Rick and I are still together, no wedding happened in October of last year, which we had planned but we are still together and worked through the bumps in the road that happened. We are planning a November 09 wedding as of now.

What happened a year ago... was insane. I dont want to talk about it, and I wont, but I will give some insight on what happened last November. I signed myself into rehab. Yes, rehab. Is it embarrassing? Horribly, but be proud that I went in and got help for getting my life back and out of the grasp of a controlled substance. Since rehab I have done well, haven't relapsed.. and am doing wonderful with that aspect. Each day is a struggle. I cry more often than I would like to admit but its okay. I will be okay. There are days where I feel as though, this may be it, life cant go anywhere else.. but I am still figuring out who I am and why I am doing what I am doing. Alright I will blog later but more importantly, let me throw in my last myspace blog into here because it is amazing.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

Okay, so I wish I was typing this in my myspace little blog but I am typing this in notepad on the laptop because for some reason the internet isnt working on this thing and I NEED to write. My journal is in my car, fuck, and this blog might be a bit more personal and in depth than ones I usually do so I apologize in advance but if you dont feel like reading then... you know how to exit.
Randy Pausch. He passed away last week... and it was the first time that I wept for someone, a man, that I never met. If you don't know who he is, then, I am a bit confused for you, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon, and he was inspirational. He is best known for his "Last Lecture" which can be found on youtube (I will post the link...actually posted above, PLEASE, it will be the BEST hour you ever spend) and it is touching. Millions of people have viewed this lecture, he redid it sort of on Oprah and they had a primetime special about him last evening. I however, had the honor to have seen this lecture shortly after he made it at the request of one of my psychology professors and it made me question: Am I a Tigger or an Eeyore? Wait, what are you? Stop, and think about this. This lecture isn't about academics, but.. how to live and love life. If you listen and look more closely, he didnt make the lecture for all of us, even though it DID impact all, but rather, for his children. Just that.. right there gave me chills. He was an AMAZING man and I never spoke to him. God had given the world a chance to know this man, hear his words and understand his logic, so thank you to God.. and to Randy for sharing the good word.
Randy, he had pancreatic cancer that spread aggressively to his liver and he, I won't say "lost" his battle... but his life is now everlasting in Heaven, possibly giving his last lecture up there or maybe starting a new series of them. He left behind three young children, and a loving wife. Rest in Peace and I know that you and your spirit will be watching over the good of mankind. Even writing this I have tears in my eyes. Some people are brought to this world for significant reasons and I believe his was to teach us all to stop, breathe, and love life. Cherish the small things of life... like sitting and watching a tv show with your loved one, laughing at jokes with your husband/wife, smile when you wake up in the morning to see another day, and breathe in and fill your lungs with oxygen - you ARE alive, what a gift. Each day is a gift. Sometimes if you know me well enough you know that I get down, I have my days where there is a cloud hanging over my head and I would rather lay in bed all day alone than get up and go do things. With this being said, I take into consideration much of what Randy says, do I want to wake up in the morning upset and not happy for the day ahead or would I rather get up, SMILE, and face life head on no matter if it is a bad day because at least.. you are alive.


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I have a job people!!!!!! yes, breathe in the success! Haha! It is working at the Department of Human Services in the Mainecare department regarding prior authorization. I work along side a handful of nurses and I am on the administrative end helping with claims. I am still in such a HUGE learning stage but I am liking it so far which is great. OH and my desk is 2x as big as the one I had at Bank of America and tomorrow at work I will be decorating it. I am such a girl, it is sad! What is weird though is that I started Monday and I haven't worked Weds-Today and I actually will be starting next Monday. The people who are needing to train me havent been in and now there is a second girl entering the department and I was told that it would be easier to train us together, hence us starting together next Monday. Blah. That sucks but whatev.
aww.. I just saw a commercial and it has amazing dancing and I wish I stuck with dancing :( grr. I am still striving to find my passion in life and I am searching and still am coming up empty handed. I know that my passion is in raising a family, but first, Rick and I need to get married, and then get started. ::sigh:: I dont know. I feel like my arms are up in the air and I am just screaming saying.. HELP ME FIGURE SHIT OUT! AH!! I still am unsure but I need to go with the steps of life and *hopefully* things fall into place.
And.....
that's about it for now. Please though, give the last lecture a shot, you won't regret it.

><> RIP Randy, May Angels Lead You In <><