Sometimes the ironic part of life is that no matter how much you try and put towards what you have in front of you, you end up dead in the end.
That may be considered a pessimistic outlook on life but right now I am looking it as being a realist. There are things in life that I don't get and I am not afraid to admit that, I look at life and think... I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a sister in law... and that is great and everything but I still feel like I am such a work in progress. I think we all are works in progress -- always molding and changing into someone else and right now I feel like I have lost little parts of me on the way while on this road of life. I have a tight knit group of friends, I always have and always will but I am trying to expand and trust others which I have a hard time doing. As soon as I trust you though you have my entire trust but I am having a hard time realizing who is really wanting to be a friend with me or more of a work friend. I guess we all need those categories of friends... "real friends" .. "work friends" .. "hobby friends" .. ----Does that make sense those categories? I wish though I could just mesh all of my friend groups together. Why do I care is the real reason behind this all. Why do I keep searching for friendships? I think we all want friends, an abundance of them but at the end of the day I have my core friends and my amazing family and in laws and I need to stop grasping at friendships that might have been and realize that what I have in my life is a complete gift from God. --- All I can think about is how on Sunday at work I have a new team, know no one and am so nervous but I have my coach at work now saying I will be fine and that I am strong enough to branch out and with my old senior rep she says that people will like me. I'm nervous but I am getting excited, she says that my new team has huge personalities.. and I have a large one as well so this could be very interesting!
Don't be scared when I say this but my mind is running. Death is not the worst thing that life has to offer, we cant make everyone or everything last forever... I know that is random... I am missing my Memere. I think she would understand where I am coming from, my confusion, my longing to fit in. Actually.. I bet my mom would know exactly how I feel. Maybe this weekend I will talk to her about it. Talking seems to help but to be honest, writing.. and putting a pen to paper is more therapeutic. Blogging helps but I keep a journal as well.
So random but I haven't been able to cry for almost a month. The last time I cried was a few tears when I was saying my vows on November 28th and I have watched sad movies... talked to people dealing with horrible experiences with no crying.. and I just watched something on tv where a dog was put to sleep. I just looked over to Rick and was like, I haven't been able to cry and I cried over a dog being put to sleep and then he said something that made me completely re evaluate my state of mind -- "That was sad, crying is natural because that is real. That situation is real life, those movies aren't real, those tv shows are just shows. You cried over a real event." My husband might have just opened my eyes. He never ceases to surprise me.
I'm nervous again, Rick has surgery Wednesday. I am praying this is the last surgery for awhile because I want him to feel better and I want him to feel as normal and as healthy as possible. Each time he gets sick or goes into surgery I panic a little because when I see him on that stretcher getting ready for surgery and I think... "that's my husband, my life, my everything" and I have to put all my faith in his doctors and surgeons. They are and have been AMAZING. I am so incredibly thankful that my mom is letting us borrow her car to get to Boston but I am even more thankful that my brother is spending all the time with me while Rick has surgery. He will be there with me in the waiting room before Rick goes in, while Rick is in there and in post op. I have the best brother in the world and he is my bubba and he is going to be there when we drive back home and I might just crash at my parents house that night. I work the next day but I might be tired enough to sleep at my parents that night. Friday night is a night I am looking forward to, games and dinner with my parents and brother and Saturday time with Rick's family or better yet... driving to Boston to pick my husband up!!
Alright, I need to just go breathe a bit. I need to start cherishing the little things and stop worrying about everything... I am such a planner that needs to see how things fit in the bigger picture that I tend to not love and take notice of the things right in front of me.