Tuesday, November 16, 2010

day one of blogging

I thought to myself the other day that writing everyday would be therapeutic and helpful... I mean, what could it hurt? Exactly. I just installed the blog to my blackberry so when I'm on the go I can still write.

I played around a bit on foursquare earlier and I thought to myself.. Holy shit that site is intended for stalkers I swear! I think many of us just want to have the ability to see what people are doing at an time. Some level of privacy has flown out the window. I can't say much though. I use and live by facebook. I diddle with twitter and foursquare and of course I write here sporadically for anyone to read.

Lately I have been on an organic food kick. I know its crazy but I have been doing research on foods that have been genetically modified and how that impacts the body. Even my beloved Coke has GMO's so its a wake up. Especially with the fact that we don't need to be notified of such things. It makes you think like.. Is what I'm eating chemical free? Like raw milk for example. I know, I know, I cringed too at the thought but some of the benefits are remarkable. It is illegal to sell it in most states because the process.. And drinking homogenized milk and milk by products is all that many have been introduced to and is all they know. One documentary I watched had blurred out faces of members of the FDA purchasing raw milk on the "black market" for farming. Crazy!

Chocolate soy milk = love.

We are moving! Its not the plan that I may have had years ago... To be moving into another apartment but the pros far outweigh the cons. Pro.. Is that it is in a secure building. The rent is the same but we now pay electricity. Cable and internet will be less expensive. Oh and we have a storage now. I think in the long run it will be a good thing!

Alright day one is done!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Catch Me

I feel completely lost. I don't know who reads this other than few *love you ladies* but right now I am going to just write as if no one was reading this.

I wake up in the morning (or afternoons) and feel hopeless and lonely with no one or no where to turn to. Some people may look and think, well Jill must have it together etc but in all reality, if you really knew me, you knew I have most pieces of the puzzle but still havent quite figured out how to put things together yet. Then again, how many of us are in this same situation?

Family life is rocky, I hate watching things happen to my parents and know that it may be for the best but inside, it is literally ripping me apart. I havent talked to my brother about it because I hate pressing the issue, the harsh reality that is our lives. Selfish. I feel horribly selfish. I shouldnt worry about myself when it comes to this.. and I should be investing my love and efforts to my parents.. but right now, I feel withdrawn and out of place.

I would best characterize my personality right now as bi-polar. Yesterday I was on a happy high so to speak. I held all my emotions back and tried to spend time recognizing the happiness I had.. and today I woke up, fever, throwing up.. and now dry heaving with a horrible headache. I am broken. Broken... but not done for.

Yesterday I went to my doctor with Rick.. well.. she is actually a nurse practitioner midwife and we went there to discuss my internal ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. The uterus is fine, which is great... but the ovaries arent so great and I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The left ovary is completely useless. She doesn't feel comfortable treating me so now I am being sent to an endrocrinologist in Portland to see what my next steps are when it comes to trying to become pregnant. I talked to Rick about this because I feel like a complete failure as a woman. There are women out there who dont want to get pregnant but do... and then there is someone like me, who wants nothing more to have a baby. It is so completely frustrating and last night I just cried to sleep.

About a month ago I felt my life was crashing around me and that maybe a breakdown was coming.. needless to say.. it might be here.

Help.

Please God.. let me conceive and share a child with Rick. I know in my heart I was born to be a mother... please God.. let this be a possibility.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

who's going to catch me when i fall...?

Alot is running through my head.. thoughts... feelings.. emotions.. confusion. It literally is taking EVERYTHING out of me and I dont really think that anyone understands.

I get these waves of panic rush over me. I feel like I need 20 xanax just to get things to level out and I dont take it anymore. Cold water.. showers.. nothing is working. It is so frustrating. Things have been occuring at work that have completely stressed me out to the point where I am breaking down. One event has bogged me down but work itself is exacerbating my already confusing medical background. I try to explain that it isn't just this event that is breaking me down... but I literally am at the breaking point when it comes to work. I feel a mental breakdown occuring and it is going to happen at the worst moment, I just know it is going to.

I ask who's going to catch me when I fall... not because I think I'm going to fall but rather, I know I'm going to.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

It's going to be biblical

Oh Law Abiding Citizen, how I enjoy you! :)

Crazy movie but love it even though the whole premise of the movie is a bit skewed. I actually end up feeling bad for Gerard Butler's character even though he killed people throughout the movie. I want to go to the movies, even if by myself I really don't care. I wish they had a double feature or something, nothing beats watching a couple of movies in a theater, especially on a rainy day.

Sleep is lackluster, I can't seem to get enough or it's more the lack of quality which is hindering me. I'm not going to take anything to sleep because then I will end up sleeping my entire day away.

First day back at work today after about a week off. It wasn't a vacation.. it was meningitis and whooping cough. Awesome, amazing me. I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding the time I have been home getting better.. it's been one of those times where there are more down moments instead of ups. Understandable when I'm in and out of the hospital for treatment but it makes things easier when other things aren't bringing you further down.

alright.. I'm going to go get my comfy sweatshirt on and brave work... hope today is a day I can face.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Eye for an Eye

It's basically 3am and I am wide awake.. and am up with a really bad stomach ache and headache. I tried closing my eyes as I sit here on the loveseat and it just isnt happening. Im not going to go roll around in bed and keep Rick up, its not right.

Im watching something about the death penalty. This man stabbed a woman 28 times over 10 years ago.. and this woman's mom talked to him for 12 hours before he was executed. It is so weird seeing her go from so angry to almost feeling some sort of empathy.. or compassion for him. I understand he is a human being, and in no way am I saying that because he is a murderer that he be treated in an unjust and cruel manner but killing him... taking a life for a life.. does that make it right? It is a huge question I think lots of people ask, at least someone that believes that killing someone is a sin. Do two wrongs make a right? In this case does it? It is a concept that I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around. I believe that murdering someone is a sin... but I believe in capitol punishment. Ugh so confusing. I don't feel bad for the person being executed because obviously they did something to deserve it.. but who are we to decide what is completely wrong?

Dont get me wrong in anyway, murder etc of course is horrid.. but in Maine arson.. ARSON gets more of a sentence than murder. Tell me please how that makes sense? How can a child molester get a year in jail and 4 years on parole but eventually become integrated back into civilian life? I think that on some cases things are unjust and a little bit backwards.

An eye for an eye?

love opinions.

Monday, May 31, 2010

bury all your secrets in my skin..

I haven't felt like this in awhile. I feel incredibly lost and lonely. My seizure activity came back. On Monday I had an episode at work and I was rushed to the emergency room where I was told I had a concussion and a bruised shoulder. It hurt and still does hurt right now. On Wednesday I went into the shower because I thought hot water would help the tightness and pain in my shoulder because I didn't get anything for pain *such a battle, but I won that*. While in the shower, I went down again, cut my head on the faucet and had Jennifer and Josh bring me to the ER. I wanted to cry but didn't. Panic, confusion, upset.. and fear rushed through my body. WHY this again? I have no answers and it seems like no doctor I go to has the answer either. Call me a human guinea pig. I have had more tests, blood work, and hospital stays than any 25 year old should. I am scared and pissed to be honest with you. This unknown condition is keeping me from trying to get promoted because this isn't under control... it is making me hold back on things I normally wouldn't worry about. I am just hoping that I will get the answers soon so I can start leading my life the way it needs to be lead. Until then I will keep trying my hardest so at least I can say that I didn't give up... even though many days when I wake up lately I wonder, is this all worth it? It is like there is a hole in my chest... a hole where my questions should have answers but right now it is vacant. I hurt. I hurt in more ways than I will ever begin to tell people. I do know though, that the thought of my future with my husband is the light at the end of the tunnel.. I just want to get everything under control.

Until then...

~Jill

Saturday, May 01, 2010

changes

What an early morning for me. I went to bed this morning at 3:30... tossed and turned and listened to my sansa for about an hour and then woke up at 6:50 not even tired. My stomach still hurts pretty bad from the antibiotics I am on but today is my last day and I have already taken the last one. Thank God.

3 weeks and counting tomorrow. Pretty amazing. Its the crazy willpower I have.. but in the return for that... my eating has gone all confusing. I went through a 2 week binge and now I have to go back to my more raw diet and take away the meat. I have taken out red meat, that is gone and I have ate shrimp, chicken.. and that's it. For the past 2 days I have eaten bananas, yogurt, apples.. and basically as much fresh organic produce as possible. I probably sound like a crazy person but I am trying to do a 120 on everything and eventually within the next 2 years when Rick and I are more financially stable and whatnot we can attempt to have a baby and see what happens.

Work is going well, I just need to make sure I am working 40 hours and not leaving for appointments or anything like that. I need to buckle down and not take ooh.. and to try to tough it out if I am not feeling well. ugh.

That's it for now.. I have to finish up stuff for my classes... joy of finals week.

<><

~Jill

Friday, April 16, 2010

Energy late at night

Does this happen to anyone else? You can go through the entire day going at a normal pace but then once it gets to be 9-11 at night you go full force energy? Maybe it is just me tonight, I have NO idea what is up with me but I took a hot bath.. and then started cleaning the apartment. Rick didnt complain that is for sure but still it is weird that I just got up and started cleaning. It is what it is! I will go to bed soon and listen to music as I go to sleep.... I listen to the weirdest music to get me to fall asleep.. its a mixture of Gary Jules "Mad World" to Muse, Lady GaGa, Justin Timberlake, Rihanna... and classical. Oh wait, throw Slipknot in there too. Why do I listen to the weirdest mix of music to fall asleep to I dont know, but it works!

I've been trolling the nerdy cell phone websites and have found two different phone possibilities that T-Mobile will be getting. Once is a Garmin phone (which I would buy!) and the.. dun dun dun.. IPHONE! Oh and the Mytouch 2 (has a keyboard.. think G1). Finally. Everyone is tight lipped about new phones coming out but I have crossed referenced three different web sites that have been right on when we launched the G1, Mytouch, HD2, Sidekick 09 LX... and the netbook. We will see! It could make summer at work a little more crazy than normal!

I am on day 6. Its a big deal, a big step and I think the worst is over. Thank God. I cant in any way afford another set back, I really cant. I cant financially, emotionally and physically. It is like torture and no one that I personally know understands where I am coming from when I tell them how I feel. Oh well. 6 Days.

Alright... well thats all for now. Its past 1:30am so I should go to bed especially since we have to wake up in 8.5 hours.

Night.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A Day/Life Consumed By Anxiety

Frustration consumes me and me being aware of this frustration is overwhelming. There is so much going on right now and I need to change things and I am in the process but I am seriously overwhelmed to the point of multiple anxiety attacks a day. Part of me as I write this can feel my chest tightening up, my breathing patterns and respirations increasing.. and I have to make a mental note that just because I am writing about it doesnt need to mean that I am having an attack. It is weird having this connection with your body. It doesnt work all the time, trust me I have tried, but I keep telling myself that I am not having a heart attack, that I am okay and the panic will pass within a few minutes. I just hate feeling the way I do.

I have rid myself of the medication I was on but my body is still searching for it and my body just started dealing with being without the medication and I have been throwing up, shaking, headaches killing me.. and me staying home and/or coming home from work. I feel like a huge failure. Being a failure is my biggest fear, and whammy.. it is here. I have to face that I am and have hit the lowest low and I can only build myself up. I have let Rick down. He feels like he needs to work more to compensate the fact that I am not working the way I should be and it is hard for me to explain to him how I feel and what exactly is going on with my body. Does anyone ever feel this way? Whether it has to do with a medical condition or just life in general? Maybe it is just me and my way of seeing life in front of me.

What else is frustrating me is the fact that I am seeing all these young girls around me (much younger than me) with children and I have the possibility of not being able to conceive. I have to tell myself that Rick and I might not naturally be able to have children. Fuck. It is remarkable when you have that notion in your head, especially when you feel that is what you were born to do and that it is God's wish for you to have a child. I know that I was born to be a mother, I just hope to one day be able to experience that. Alot is in my hands though, I need to drop some more weight, which I can do for sure.

All I can seem to focus on right now is negative which in essence is good because I can work on getting better but really a lot depends on my body getting medicine completely out of my system.. and me having a positive outlook on life. Easier said than done though that is for sure. One time I asked on Twitter.. "Who's going to catch me when I fall?" and my friend Zell told me that God would. This is the time that I need him for support because I am not really feeling much support from others. I am from certain friends and Rick, but not as much as I would from my family but I cant be upset because I havent been in much contact with them. I hate looking like a disappointment and I know that is what they see when they look at me so that is why I pull away. Oh well. This hopefully will change but I need to start on myself first.

Please God give me strength, things are going to get harder before they get easier but these changes need to happen for me to be a better and more balanced person. Please give me the determination and will to go on and give me the love and support from others when I feel as though I have no where else to turn.



~Jill

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Ranting Basically

I am going crazy. I am scrapbooking like I am a middle aged mother. It is obsessive. Why do I let myself become obsessive in these ways I am not really sure of, but when I find something that I love to do I do it and basically will do it until I hate it. It reminds me of when I started cross stitching a baby blanket and tossed it aside when I decided the constant migraines werent worth the frustration of trying to do multiple small squares. Ahhh... I swear ADHD and I are friends and I have it. I get so fixated on one thing then I just go off on another thing. So many of my friends --- and these are close friends mind you ask me if I have ever been tested. They are like you can go on and on about one thing and then boom out of no where you start with something else. I dont know or think I have ADHD.. I just think that my mind is at a constant run and it is running faster than my mouth can go (imagine that!).

The world has been flipped a bit since I last wrote. It is a pattern of my life. Things level out a bit and then boom, something else happens. I wouldnt mind writing and telling people that hey, shit is getting boring and its the same thing day in and day out, but it isnt the case. Bummer. I had two teeth pulled and that sucked. It literally has fucked up my mouth to the point where when I eat I bleed and I have to make sure I chew really slowly. I had these teeth pulled over a week ago and it still hurts. They said things will be sore for awhile but really? No wonder my stomach has been off, all the blood from my mouth going into the stomach.. not to mention that the taste of blood is what triggered me passing out months ago. Seriously? I - NEED - A - BREAK!!!!

Things have been frustrating in certain parts of life. I feel like a failure. I havent finished college... I am not always there for my parents and am not being the daughter I feel they want... and Im not the perfect wife. I am trying to focus and fix what I am doing wrong to be a better person for everyone, especially myself. One day at a time, that is all I can do and try to work on. I cant plan for next week or even tomorrow... just focus on today. I sound like a fortune cookie. Sick.

You know what show is boggling my mind STILL even after it being almost 3 hours since I watched it? LOST. Literally... I think that is what they want you to feel when you watch that show. I punched Rick twice while watching it tonight because of my amount of sheer lost-ness. They are trying to pull everything in and end it all in 5 episodes and I find myself needing to take notes to get one episode to the next. AHHHHH. I did indeed take excedrin before I watched that because I use my mind way too much trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

Alright, I am done.. I think I might scrapbook more. I still have a ton more wedding photos to use but I dont know if I have the ambition. I feel like watching a scary movie. Well, no movies really scare me, but a horror movie to be more precise. Who knows, I might fall asleep early. Okay, that is a lie but I tried.

I might write later... if I do I do.. if I dont I dont.

Until then..

~J

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Happy St. Pattys Day!.. Happy Birthday Hayden!


Sometimes you feel like you make the right decisions, but at the end of the day you look back and they simply werent right. They cant be changed, altered, removed from your memory or past but they happened. I think it is one of those hindsight is 20/20 thing but I keep on telling myself each event that has happened has taught me a lesson. Sometimes when its like 3am... I start thinking and I hate getting all philosophical.. but I think of feelings that relate to tangible things in my life.. and I can look around and see that my decisions have built this life I have around me and I am blessed and I cant regret where I am right now.

Becoming an aunt was the most amazing feeling ever. Holding Hayden Joseph Lockhart was the most natural high I have experienced in years I swear. I of course dont put it in the same category of marrying my high school sweetheart.. but damn, it was right up there. I want a child so ... so bad. Rick and I will be amazing parents, him and I both know it. We know it is more than picking out baby names and little things but we have talked about how we want to raise our children, what we want them involved in... things like that. I want to be a mother and right now just the thought of it makes me smile. Holding my new nephew made me smile ear to ear and I wouldnt have given it up for the world. I want to be the aunt that goes to tball games.. and is there for everything if I am allowed to be! I am not saying that we are actively trying because I personally have things I need to finish up and get stable before we try.. but I think that when the time is right we both will be ready.

On a complete sidenote... New Moon came out today and I watched it.. and loved it!

Alright.. I am going to work on a scrapbooking page, finish this movie.. and get some sleep.

***One Week***

~~~Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you~~~

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Risk Everything




So once again... my life had a bump. Why do I feel sometimes as though I am the only one I know experiencing these things? Makes me feel abnormal, you know? Oh well. The past 5 days have been horrible, but in the long run.... in the bigger picture I know this is what I need to do.. and hearing Rick say to do it for our future children.. gave me chills and made me believe and strive to go to where I need to go and be. That is the one thing I know I was born to do.. I was born to be a mother, that is God's will for me, at least in my world it is. I want Rick and I to have baby Tatarcyks running around.. it will make our zoo of a home more full of joy. Eventually in time this will come, we have to get ourselves settled first.

Saturday, 3/13/2010 - Day One. This may not make sense to some of you but to those who it does... and to me this date is doing to be crucial. I am going to celebrate every week until I hit one month, then every month after. This is a process and Im glad that you who are in my group of support are there for me, makes me feel extremely blessed.

The worst part is over even though last night I was sick yet again, this part needs to change asap in my world. I hate feeling as sick as I did, poor Rick had to see me like that last night. It certainly wasnt my worst day/night but still wasnt great nevertheless. I think... and I say think cautiously that I am going to take as much soda out of my life as possible. Mind you, I say this as I am drinking one right now, but I think I need to take some out of my body. Baby steps... baby steps...

Im out of work for the week.. I have appointments and meetings to go to.. and it is a bit overwhelming but necessary. I keep telling myself and reassuring myself that all of these steps are needed. Sometimes its amazing to see the amount of people around you give you support.. which is amazing, and they are people you would never even guess that would do so. Makes me just believe someone is watching over me.

In other news, my wrists were redone! New chapter of life.. new tattoo additions to go with them. Interesting, I know.. but therapeutic in my world. I think "Jill's World" should be a place... man would people be confused/excited/lost/laughing hysterically/and happy all at the same time. Yeah kind of describes my life.

Other than that.. my mantra is "Risk Everything" and will be. If I dont put things on the line will I ever get anywhere? Risk of sadness, vulnerability, being confused.. being happy.. everything. I am putting myself out there and seeing what happens. I think the year 2010 is going to be all about me. Time to put me first.

Love to all... there are more of you, I just tagged the immediate ones that have been my backbone and will continue to be. Rick, you are my reason for waking up in the morning and living to be better and to everyone else... I would be in lost if you all were not there.

~Jill






Monday, February 15, 2010

Views

Sometimes the ironic part of life is that no matter how much you try and put towards what you have in front of you, you end up dead in the end.

That may be considered a pessimistic outlook on life but right now I am looking it as being a realist. There are things in life that I don't get and I am not afraid to admit that, I look at life and think... I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a sister in law... and that is great and everything but I still feel like I am such a work in progress. I think we all are works in progress -- always molding and changing into someone else and right now I feel like I have lost little parts of me on the way while on this road of life. I have a tight knit group of friends, I always have and always will but I am trying to expand and trust others which I have a hard time doing. As soon as I trust you though you have my entire trust but I am having a hard time realizing who is really wanting to be a friend with me or more of a work friend. I guess we all need those categories of friends... "real friends" .. "work friends" .. "hobby friends" .. ----Does that make sense those categories? I wish though I could just mesh all of my friend groups together. Why do I care is the real reason behind this all. Why do I keep searching for friendships? I think we all want friends, an abundance of them but at the end of the day I have my core friends and my amazing family and in laws and I need to stop grasping at friendships that might have been and realize that what I have in my life is a complete gift from God. --- All I can think about is how on Sunday at work I have a new team, know no one and am so nervous but I have my coach at work now saying I will be fine and that I am strong enough to branch out and with my old senior rep she says that people will like me. I'm nervous but I am getting excited, she says that my new team has huge personalities.. and I have a large one as well so this could be very interesting!

---------------

Don't be scared when I say this but my mind is running. Death is not the worst thing that life has to offer, we cant make everyone or everything last forever... I know that is random... I am missing my Memere. I think she would understand where I am coming from, my confusion, my longing to fit in. Actually.. I bet my mom would know exactly how I feel. Maybe this weekend I will talk to her about it. Talking seems to help but to be honest, writing.. and putting a pen to paper is more therapeutic. Blogging helps but I keep a journal as well.

So random but I haven't been able to cry for almost a month. The last time I cried was a few tears when I was saying my vows on November 28th and I have watched sad movies... talked to people dealing with horrible experiences with no crying.. and I just watched something on tv where a dog was put to sleep. I just looked over to Rick and was like, I haven't been able to cry and I cried over a dog being put to sleep and then he said something that made me completely re evaluate my state of mind -- "That was sad, crying is natural because that is real. That situation is real life, those movies aren't real, those tv shows are just shows. You cried over a real event." My husband might have just opened my eyes. He never ceases to surprise me.

I'm nervous again, Rick has surgery Wednesday. I am praying this is the last surgery for awhile because I want him to feel better and I want him to feel as normal and as healthy as possible. Each time he gets sick or goes into surgery I panic a little because when I see him on that stretcher getting ready for surgery and I think... "that's my husband, my life, my everything" and I have to put all my faith in his doctors and surgeons. They are and have been AMAZING. I am so incredibly thankful that my mom is letting us borrow her car to get to Boston but I am even more thankful that my brother is spending all the time with me while Rick has surgery. He will be there with me in the waiting room before Rick goes in, while Rick is in there and in post op. I have the best brother in the world and he is my bubba and he is going to be there when we drive back home and I might just crash at my parents house that night. I work the next day but I might be tired enough to sleep at my parents that night. Friday night is a night I am looking forward to, games and dinner with my parents and brother and Saturday time with Rick's family or better yet... driving to Boston to pick my husband up!!

Alright, I need to just go breathe a bit. I need to start cherishing the little things and stop worrying about everything... I am such a planner that needs to see how things fit in the bigger picture that I tend to not love and take notice of the things right in front of me.