Monday, April 12, 2010

A Day/Life Consumed By Anxiety

Frustration consumes me and me being aware of this frustration is overwhelming. There is so much going on right now and I need to change things and I am in the process but I am seriously overwhelmed to the point of multiple anxiety attacks a day. Part of me as I write this can feel my chest tightening up, my breathing patterns and respirations increasing.. and I have to make a mental note that just because I am writing about it doesnt need to mean that I am having an attack. It is weird having this connection with your body. It doesnt work all the time, trust me I have tried, but I keep telling myself that I am not having a heart attack, that I am okay and the panic will pass within a few minutes. I just hate feeling the way I do.

I have rid myself of the medication I was on but my body is still searching for it and my body just started dealing with being without the medication and I have been throwing up, shaking, headaches killing me.. and me staying home and/or coming home from work. I feel like a huge failure. Being a failure is my biggest fear, and whammy.. it is here. I have to face that I am and have hit the lowest low and I can only build myself up. I have let Rick down. He feels like he needs to work more to compensate the fact that I am not working the way I should be and it is hard for me to explain to him how I feel and what exactly is going on with my body. Does anyone ever feel this way? Whether it has to do with a medical condition or just life in general? Maybe it is just me and my way of seeing life in front of me.

What else is frustrating me is the fact that I am seeing all these young girls around me (much younger than me) with children and I have the possibility of not being able to conceive. I have to tell myself that Rick and I might not naturally be able to have children. Fuck. It is remarkable when you have that notion in your head, especially when you feel that is what you were born to do and that it is God's wish for you to have a child. I know that I was born to be a mother, I just hope to one day be able to experience that. Alot is in my hands though, I need to drop some more weight, which I can do for sure.

All I can seem to focus on right now is negative which in essence is good because I can work on getting better but really a lot depends on my body getting medicine completely out of my system.. and me having a positive outlook on life. Easier said than done though that is for sure. One time I asked on Twitter.. "Who's going to catch me when I fall?" and my friend Zell told me that God would. This is the time that I need him for support because I am not really feeling much support from others. I am from certain friends and Rick, but not as much as I would from my family but I cant be upset because I havent been in much contact with them. I hate looking like a disappointment and I know that is what they see when they look at me so that is why I pull away. Oh well. This hopefully will change but I need to start on myself first.

Please God give me strength, things are going to get harder before they get easier but these changes need to happen for me to be a better and more balanced person. Please give me the determination and will to go on and give me the love and support from others when I feel as though I have no where else to turn.



~Jill

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