Saturday, March 20, 2010

Happy St. Pattys Day!.. Happy Birthday Hayden!

Sometimes you feel like you make the right decisions, but at the end of the day you look back and they simply werent right. They cant be changed, altered, removed from your memory or past but they happened. I think it is one of those hindsight is 20/20 thing but I keep on telling myself each event that has happened has taught me a lesson. Sometimes when its like 3am... I start thinking and I hate getting all philosophical.. but I think of feelings that relate to tangible things in my life.. and I can look around and see that my decisions have built this life I have around me and I am blessed and I cant regret where I am right now.

Becoming an aunt was the most amazing feeling ever. Holding Hayden Joseph Lockhart was the most natural high I have experienced in years I swear. I of course dont put it in the same category of marrying my high school sweetheart.. but damn, it was right up there. I want a child so ... so bad. Rick and I will be amazing parents, him and I both know it. We know it is more than picking out baby names and little things but we have talked about how we want to raise our children, what we want them involved in... things like that. I want to be a mother and right now just the thought of it makes me smile. Holding my new nephew made me smile ear to ear and I wouldnt have given it up for the world. I want to be the aunt that goes to tball games.. and is there for everything if I am allowed to be! I am not saying that we are actively trying because I personally have things I need to finish up and get stable before we try.. but I think that when the time is right we both will be ready.

On a complete sidenote... New Moon came out today and I watched it.. and loved it!

Alright.. I am going to work on a scrapbooking page, finish this movie.. and get some sleep.

***One Week***

~~~Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you~~~

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Risk Everything

So once again... my life had a bump. Why do I feel sometimes as though I am the only one I know experiencing these things? Makes me feel abnormal, you know? Oh well. The past 5 days have been horrible, but in the long run.... in the bigger picture I know this is what I need to do.. and hearing Rick say to do it for our future children.. gave me chills and made me believe and strive to go to where I need to go and be. That is the one thing I know I was born to do.. I was born to be a mother, that is God's will for me, at least in my world it is. I want Rick and I to have baby Tatarcyks running around.. it will make our zoo of a home more full of joy. Eventually in time this will come, we have to get ourselves settled first.

Saturday, 3/13/2010 - Day One. This may not make sense to some of you but to those who it does... and to me this date is doing to be crucial. I am going to celebrate every week until I hit one month, then every month after. This is a process and Im glad that you who are in my group of support are there for me, makes me feel extremely blessed.

The worst part is over even though last night I was sick yet again, this part needs to change asap in my world. I hate feeling as sick as I did, poor Rick had to see me like that last night. It certainly wasnt my worst day/night but still wasnt great nevertheless. I think... and I say think cautiously that I am going to take as much soda out of my life as possible. Mind you, I say this as I am drinking one right now, but I think I need to take some out of my body. Baby steps... baby steps...

Im out of work for the week.. I have appointments and meetings to go to.. and it is a bit overwhelming but necessary. I keep telling myself and reassuring myself that all of these steps are needed. Sometimes its amazing to see the amount of people around you give you support.. which is amazing, and they are people you would never even guess that would do so. Makes me just believe someone is watching over me.

In other news, my wrists were redone! New chapter of life.. new tattoo additions to go with them. Interesting, I know.. but therapeutic in my world. I think "Jill's World" should be a place... man would people be confused/excited/lost/laughing hysterically/and happy all at the same time. Yeah kind of describes my life.

Other than that.. my mantra is "Risk Everything" and will be. If I dont put things on the line will I ever get anywhere? Risk of sadness, vulnerability, being confused.. being happy.. everything. I am putting myself out there and seeing what happens. I think the year 2010 is going to be all about me. Time to put me first.

Love to all... there are more of you, I just tagged the immediate ones that have been my backbone and will continue to be. Rick, you are my reason for waking up in the morning and living to be better and to everyone else... I would be in lost if you all were not there.