Saturday, March 21, 2009

I write this with a heavy heart...

and a completely bogged down mind. Not exactly the best of combinations but what can you do? That's one thing about me, I can't control my nostalgic moments, my emotions... my state of life.

I have these moments of mini greatness, moments where I am like "this is going perfectly" then I get smacked with reality that.. shit isnt going perfectly. I love this wedding stuff, please do NOT get me wrong but at the same time I cry over the dumbest things. I am not crying or freaking about getting married, please do not even get that impression, but I am just worried that #1, I hate how I look. I love certain aspects but I want my hair black.. the color it is now and I have family who HATES my hair that dark. I like it. My weight, and now even getting onto this topic for me is extremely hard but I feel the need to get into it. I have always struggled, it was never easy and never has been. If you were to give me a list of what I liked about myself and what I hated, the hated part would have more on there than the like part. I want to look good in my dress, I want to be able to look at these pictures from my wedding day for years to come and say.. hey I looked beautiful and please dont get me wrong, my dress is amazing.. but I need to make sure I look well. I have lost some weight, thank the Lord, but not what I am looking to lose. I have 8 months, yes but I need to work on things. I just wish that I could be more accepting of myself. Maybe one day, maybe. I remember hearing compliments when I looked differently.. four to five years ago from my smile, to my hair, to me being pretty all together and now I am lucky if I get cute. That is rough. Compliments never get old, they never do. I dont know I guess I am just having a rough moment. I will be fine. I think the most gorgeous and confident of women go through this but I am on a path, a path of self discovery, a path of someone who knows what is best. It will happen and I am allowing myself the time. I was reading through my journal that I write in at the lowest of the lows that I have gone through since last July and I can see the transition from what I WAS to what I AM and its a nice progression but still.. I always want more and I think for as long as I live, I will always long to be better. I think that aspect is healthy, striving to be better and... if I get the choice to sit it out... or dance... I KNOW that I will dance.

Enough of the emotional things... I have the most exciting news!! I am going to Davids Bridal in about 7 1/2 hours (yeah I need to go to bed) with Amy and Jennifer, my maid and matron of honor! I CANT WAIT!! I am going to take so many pictures for Danielle and Courtney, my other bridesmaids who can't be in attendance. Wedding stuff is going well... money is becoming tight though with all of the deposits due at the end of this month. Very rough. I really just want to get married and spend my days with my husband, enough of this fiance shit. haha.

The time has come... to watch Twilight AGAIN*officially on dvd *. I went to a midnight release party here and bought the special edition and possibly watched it last night. Haha. Amazing movie though. I love the whole saga, the soundtrack and now I want the orchestral version of the soundtrack. Maybe in the next few months or so.

All my love to those reading.. to those who care... to my loved ones... and to ...
Rick, my one true love.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

I've been travelin' on this road too long...

just trying to find my way back homethe old me is dead and gone...dead and gone..
*LOVE that song*

Right now I am fighting the worst cold ever. It all started about 3 days ago at work when I had a kick ass day, did a great job with my call time and quality and everything and ended up coming into work on Thursday with NO voice. Fuck, go figure. I have a great day which hasn't been happening much since I changed new shifts and then I come back the next day with no voice. I could semi deal with the no voice thing but now it has turned into a full on head cold. I want to die. I can feel the intense pressure building behind both eyes, the burning in my nose and throat and the aching in my head. I know I have a fever right now where my nose and ears are both on fire, a sure red flag that I personally have a fever over 100 degrees. Oh well. Hopefully the fever is burning off whatever sort of bug I have seemed to catch. Speaking of work, things are different. I switched shifts with the realignment and the change was hard. I had to transition from a group that didnt like me at all but I got along great with my coach and senior representative to a team where I get along with a select few of my team so far (which is a HUGE happy point for me) but with a coach and senior that I don't really know. I think things will get better in the future but the past two weeks have been hard. I have had to adapt to how a different team does things and that is fine but then I have also ondered if me knowing people on my team has hindered me a bit. Oh well. I will work things out and I trust my old coach when he says to trust my new team and that things will fall into place properly and my last Thursday's performance rang true to me that I know I can do better and have successful days in the future. I need to be successful it really isn't an option at this moment.

Speaking of that I changed my major yesterday, full on public administration. Insane, I never thought that I would be going into public administration as a full major but I am. I might minor in something but I am not sure of what yet. Also, if my metrics at work get better and stay at what is needed then I can get tuiton reimbursement which is great. Free school is gold. I need to be successful in everything I do and I need to finish school but like my mom always said, I do things in my own time and I don't always follow the rules or guidelines but I will get it done.

Other than that wedding planning is going well. We have our ceremony and reception site, the dj, the cake baker, the caterer, the photographer, MY GOWN! and all the accessories (which I fall in love with more and more each time I see it), the decor for the reception, our personalized unity candle, personalized guest book, and we have our invitations all picked out. I know what I am getting for flowers, which I love and Rick actually likes them as well, and we have other things to finish up. It is crazy to think that this wedding is happening.. and in a matter of 8 months. Wild. I am very excited though.

Wow my nose burns so bad right now. I need to go rest... maybe watch a movie and stuff. I hope that I feel better come tomorrow. I need to feel better for work but at least my voice is starting to come back.