Saturday, March 21, 2009

I write this with a heavy heart...

and a completely bogged down mind. Not exactly the best of combinations but what can you do? That's one thing about me, I can't control my nostalgic moments, my emotions... my state of life.

I have these moments of mini greatness, moments where I am like "this is going perfectly" then I get smacked with reality that.. shit isnt going perfectly. I love this wedding stuff, please do NOT get me wrong but at the same time I cry over the dumbest things. I am not crying or freaking about getting married, please do not even get that impression, but I am just worried that #1, I hate how I look. I love certain aspects but I want my hair black.. the color it is now and I have family who HATES my hair that dark. I like it. My weight, and now even getting onto this topic for me is extremely hard but I feel the need to get into it. I have always struggled, it was never easy and never has been. If you were to give me a list of what I liked about myself and what I hated, the hated part would have more on there than the like part. I want to look good in my dress, I want to be able to look at these pictures from my wedding day for years to come and say.. hey I looked beautiful and please dont get me wrong, my dress is amazing.. but I need to make sure I look well. I have lost some weight, thank the Lord, but not what I am looking to lose. I have 8 months, yes but I need to work on things. I just wish that I could be more accepting of myself. Maybe one day, maybe. I remember hearing compliments when I looked differently.. four to five years ago from my smile, to my hair, to me being pretty all together and now I am lucky if I get cute. That is rough. Compliments never get old, they never do. I dont know I guess I am just having a rough moment. I will be fine. I think the most gorgeous and confident of women go through this but I am on a path, a path of self discovery, a path of someone who knows what is best. It will happen and I am allowing myself the time. I was reading through my journal that I write in at the lowest of the lows that I have gone through since last July and I can see the transition from what I WAS to what I AM and its a nice progression but still.. I always want more and I think for as long as I live, I will always long to be better. I think that aspect is healthy, striving to be better and... if I get the choice to sit it out... or dance... I KNOW that I will dance.

Enough of the emotional things... I have the most exciting news!! I am going to Davids Bridal in about 7 1/2 hours (yeah I need to go to bed) with Amy and Jennifer, my maid and matron of honor! I CANT WAIT!! I am going to take so many pictures for Danielle and Courtney, my other bridesmaids who can't be in attendance. Wedding stuff is going well... money is becoming tight though with all of the deposits due at the end of this month. Very rough. I really just want to get married and spend my days with my husband, enough of this fiance shit. haha.

The time has come... to watch Twilight AGAIN*officially on dvd *. I went to a midnight release party here and bought the special edition and possibly watched it last night. Haha. Amazing movie though. I love the whole saga, the soundtrack and now I want the orchestral version of the soundtrack. Maybe in the next few months or so.

All my love to those reading.. to those who care... to my loved ones... and to ...
Rick, my one true love.

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