Friday, April 16, 2010

Energy late at night

Does this happen to anyone else? You can go through the entire day going at a normal pace but then once it gets to be 9-11 at night you go full force energy? Maybe it is just me tonight, I have NO idea what is up with me but I took a hot bath.. and then started cleaning the apartment. Rick didnt complain that is for sure but still it is weird that I just got up and started cleaning. It is what it is! I will go to bed soon and listen to music as I go to sleep.... I listen to the weirdest music to get me to fall asleep.. its a mixture of Gary Jules "Mad World" to Muse, Lady GaGa, Justin Timberlake, Rihanna... and classical. Oh wait, throw Slipknot in there too. Why do I listen to the weirdest mix of music to fall asleep to I dont know, but it works!

I've been trolling the nerdy cell phone websites and have found two different phone possibilities that T-Mobile will be getting. Once is a Garmin phone (which I would buy!) and the.. dun dun dun.. IPHONE! Oh and the Mytouch 2 (has a keyboard.. think G1). Finally. Everyone is tight lipped about new phones coming out but I have crossed referenced three different web sites that have been right on when we launched the G1, Mytouch, HD2, Sidekick 09 LX... and the netbook. We will see! It could make summer at work a little more crazy than normal!

I am on day 6. Its a big deal, a big step and I think the worst is over. Thank God. I cant in any way afford another set back, I really cant. I cant financially, emotionally and physically. It is like torture and no one that I personally know understands where I am coming from when I tell them how I feel. Oh well. 6 Days.

Alright... well thats all for now. Its past 1:30am so I should go to bed especially since we have to wake up in 8.5 hours.

Night.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A Day/Life Consumed By Anxiety

Frustration consumes me and me being aware of this frustration is overwhelming. There is so much going on right now and I need to change things and I am in the process but I am seriously overwhelmed to the point of multiple anxiety attacks a day. Part of me as I write this can feel my chest tightening up, my breathing patterns and respirations increasing.. and I have to make a mental note that just because I am writing about it doesnt need to mean that I am having an attack. It is weird having this connection with your body. It doesnt work all the time, trust me I have tried, but I keep telling myself that I am not having a heart attack, that I am okay and the panic will pass within a few minutes. I just hate feeling the way I do.

I have rid myself of the medication I was on but my body is still searching for it and my body just started dealing with being without the medication and I have been throwing up, shaking, headaches killing me.. and me staying home and/or coming home from work. I feel like a huge failure. Being a failure is my biggest fear, and whammy.. it is here. I have to face that I am and have hit the lowest low and I can only build myself up. I have let Rick down. He feels like he needs to work more to compensate the fact that I am not working the way I should be and it is hard for me to explain to him how I feel and what exactly is going on with my body. Does anyone ever feel this way? Whether it has to do with a medical condition or just life in general? Maybe it is just me and my way of seeing life in front of me.

What else is frustrating me is the fact that I am seeing all these young girls around me (much younger than me) with children and I have the possibility of not being able to conceive. I have to tell myself that Rick and I might not naturally be able to have children. Fuck. It is remarkable when you have that notion in your head, especially when you feel that is what you were born to do and that it is God's wish for you to have a child. I know that I was born to be a mother, I just hope to one day be able to experience that. Alot is in my hands though, I need to drop some more weight, which I can do for sure.

All I can seem to focus on right now is negative which in essence is good because I can work on getting better but really a lot depends on my body getting medicine completely out of my system.. and me having a positive outlook on life. Easier said than done though that is for sure. One time I asked on Twitter.. "Who's going to catch me when I fall?" and my friend Zell told me that God would. This is the time that I need him for support because I am not really feeling much support from others. I am from certain friends and Rick, but not as much as I would from my family but I cant be upset because I havent been in much contact with them. I hate looking like a disappointment and I know that is what they see when they look at me so that is why I pull away. Oh well. This hopefully will change but I need to start on myself first.

Please God give me strength, things are going to get harder before they get easier but these changes need to happen for me to be a better and more balanced person. Please give me the determination and will to go on and give me the love and support from others when I feel as though I have no where else to turn.



~Jill

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Ranting Basically

I am going crazy. I am scrapbooking like I am a middle aged mother. It is obsessive. Why do I let myself become obsessive in these ways I am not really sure of, but when I find something that I love to do I do it and basically will do it until I hate it. It reminds me of when I started cross stitching a baby blanket and tossed it aside when I decided the constant migraines werent worth the frustration of trying to do multiple small squares. Ahhh... I swear ADHD and I are friends and I have it. I get so fixated on one thing then I just go off on another thing. So many of my friends --- and these are close friends mind you ask me if I have ever been tested. They are like you can go on and on about one thing and then boom out of no where you start with something else. I dont know or think I have ADHD.. I just think that my mind is at a constant run and it is running faster than my mouth can go (imagine that!).

The world has been flipped a bit since I last wrote. It is a pattern of my life. Things level out a bit and then boom, something else happens. I wouldnt mind writing and telling people that hey, shit is getting boring and its the same thing day in and day out, but it isnt the case. Bummer. I had two teeth pulled and that sucked. It literally has fucked up my mouth to the point where when I eat I bleed and I have to make sure I chew really slowly. I had these teeth pulled over a week ago and it still hurts. They said things will be sore for awhile but really? No wonder my stomach has been off, all the blood from my mouth going into the stomach.. not to mention that the taste of blood is what triggered me passing out months ago. Seriously? I - NEED - A - BREAK!!!!

Things have been frustrating in certain parts of life. I feel like a failure. I havent finished college... I am not always there for my parents and am not being the daughter I feel they want... and Im not the perfect wife. I am trying to focus and fix what I am doing wrong to be a better person for everyone, especially myself. One day at a time, that is all I can do and try to work on. I cant plan for next week or even tomorrow... just focus on today. I sound like a fortune cookie. Sick.

You know what show is boggling my mind STILL even after it being almost 3 hours since I watched it? LOST. Literally... I think that is what they want you to feel when you watch that show. I punched Rick twice while watching it tonight because of my amount of sheer lost-ness. They are trying to pull everything in and end it all in 5 episodes and I find myself needing to take notes to get one episode to the next. AHHHHH. I did indeed take excedrin before I watched that because I use my mind way too much trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

Alright, I am done.. I think I might scrapbook more. I still have a ton more wedding photos to use but I dont know if I have the ambition. I feel like watching a scary movie. Well, no movies really scare me, but a horror movie to be more precise. Who knows, I might fall asleep early. Okay, that is a lie but I tried.

I might write later... if I do I do.. if I dont I dont.

Until then..

~J