Saturday, November 22, 2008

My Weekly Update

This week was uneventful. To be honest with you, it wasn't horrible, just uneventful. They are still doing my background check for TMobile and I am going to call Monday to get the status of it. When talking to the HR manager she said that they are waiting on it to come back and that things should be set for the November 30th class, so I am crossing my fingers and toes that once my background check comes back they will call me in, ask for my 2 sources of documentation, have me do all my tax forms etc, and will hire me on. I hope hope hope that is what is going on because I have no other prospects at this moment other than the hospital in Lewiston but that has been put on the back burner until I hear back from TMobile. Monday will give me insight on what I need to do.

Yesterday and today Rick and I have been "decking the halls" (corny huh) of the apartment, hanging Christmas lights in every room, putting up our Christmas tree and decorating the hallway into our apartment! Check out the pictures, too cute! I love Christmas way too much but I think it is certainly one thing that my Aunt Jo-Lee (Dads sister) and my grandmother (Dad's mom that I never had the chance to meet because she passed away years ago) have in common with me. My Aunt said that her and her mom used to go all out for Christmas because that was her favorite holiday and it makes me wonder if that is where I get my Christmas love from, my grandmother. I wish I would have known her, my dad says we would have gotten along so well; both talkers, love purses, getting dressed up, and love being strong women. I think that the day I meet her in Heaven will be fantastic, it could give me insight onto who I am as a person.

Rick's mom flew over from England today and will be here through the holiday into the beginning of December. We will be going to see her and she is staying at Rick's Nana's so hopefully we will see her more!

So, I am dying to see Twilight but I havent read the books yet so I wont but I keep seeing the movie trailer and am just jumping to see it! Another movie that came out I want to say a few years ago, The Holiday, I watched this week and fell in love with it... well Jude Law to be more honest with you! Haha. It was such a great holiday movie.. not all about gifts and stuff like that. It was adorable. As I talk about a cute movie, I am watching The Descent, not really a lovey movie. Haha. I'm a dork.

And that is all for now... hopefully the next time I blog I will have great news about a job but until then... I am off to wrap gifts.



Saturday, November 15, 2008

It's hard to muffle my laughter

You know what pisses me off? People that break into other people's homes and steal. That's what happened to Rick and I. Someone broke into our apartment and stole some of our things, which were valued over 1k. Fuck. These things we might never see again and it is horrible. It could have been worse, I know BUT it shouldn't have happened at all. I felt violated... it was so strange knowing someone that I didn't know was walking through our apartment. If it was you I think you would understand. I am furious that someone had the balls to break in here but I hate that someone was walking through.. seeing our things, pictures of our family and friends... our animals. For over a week Doodle wouldn't meet us at the door like he usually does which leads me to believe that whoever came in here hit or kicked him because he is so friendly to everyone. Poor cat. He is okay now but let me tell you... if these people or person ever comes back or if someone else breaks in I will be waiting and they will see the end of my gun. I am pretty dead accurate.

The past couple of weeks between dealing with the break in, I have done some dog sitting and I have had some job interviews, one to be a scrub tech in day surgery at St. Mary's Hospital in Lewiston, and one of which is at T-Mobile right here in Oakland. I went through 4 interviews and now they are waiting on my background check so I am hoping that I will hear back from them soon. I need a job!! I know I could do well there. I need them to give me a chance!

So last night I was exhausted.. but I stayed up to watch SNL... and am SOOOOOOO happy that I did!! Paul Rudd was hysterical, but they had a camio.. and it happened to be my favorite musical hottie person... Mr. Justin Timberlake and he looked hot! Amy, you agree, despite the leotard and heels! ha! It was great. I felt horrible because I was dying of laughter while Rick was attempting to sleep in the other room. It was exactly what I needed, I haven't laughed like that in days.

Here's the video... watch it! I know its about 10 minutes, but it is worth it!!!

Did you die of laughter? Ha

Other than that... that has been all that's been going on... so that's my update!


Wednesday, November 05, 2008


This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start
Really rough week, we were broken into and it has completely shaken me to the core. I am not weak, I am not someone who runs away, but I have cried just because I just dont like the feeling of knowing someone else other than those I know and trust have walked through my home. Once when I was younger, around I want to say 14 someone tried breaking into my parents house.. and I got him out. Who knows if he had any ill will towards us.. but he was from a halfway house but it was still enough to make me terrified. I was a child. I am an adult now and I shouldnt be so jumpy.. so scared, but I am. I feel like I should be stronger for Rick.. stronger for myself, but part of my wants to curl up in a ball for a bit and try to get over this. I will, I know I will, in my own time get past this. I wish I could focus on what was lost but I still feel the need to get comforted. If that makes me weak, then.. so be it.

The economy blows still, I have no job. I applied with 2 different staffing agencies and I actually had an interview with St Mary's Hospital in Lewiston working in the OR. It is a great opportunity but I havent heard back and I wont know for at least 2 weeks because the nurse care manager is interviewing 8 or so people for each of the 4 positions she posted for. It is frustrating because I am playing this waiting game but I am praying and hoping for the best.

Yesterday was a monumental day in history, the USA voted in our first African America President. I personally have no problem saying who I voted for... haha. The only down side of Bush leaving office, yes, there is a downside, is that we are going to have no more Bushism's. If you dont know what I am talking about, go google Bushisms and you will get a shitload of them taken from actual Bush meetings and they are fantastic. I dont think we are going to have the same fun making fun of our president with Obama in office. Who knows though? Mccain and Palin would have made for some funny political jokes. Next time I am voting for Stephen Colbert.

Well, thats all for now...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Other than losing my virginity this might be the happiest day of my life..

--- Johnny Bananas - "The Island" ---------- best quote.

With this blog not many people know about it and that's what I like about it. I can say whatever the fuck I want and not worry too much about it.

Friday I get out of work, come home and make myself something for dinner and I get a call from my agency that those motherfuckers have eliminated my position. WHAT THE FUCK?! I lost all appetite and lost lots of self esteem because I was completely blindsided. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, lost.. and I don't know what to do. Without my income what is going to happen with Rick and my apartment? We are going to be without a home. I would say sell my car but I don't own my car, it is my parent's car and I haven't paid for it anyways. I don't know what to do. I have cried and cried and I feel ridiculous. I get messages saying suck it up and keep moving on, which I am, but please, you don't understand shit.

One year ago I was taking 10 vicodins a day to function. I was drinking vodka like water in the pantry at night when Rick was asleep... I was selling pills left and right to salesmen at the car dealership and then 2 weeks before Thanksgiving I gathered the courage to enter rehab. I haven't been ready to go open about this rehab but it is time. Not many people read this and I might tell a few people to read it to learn a little bit more about me but here it goes.

Last summer I left Rick, why? He is an amazing man who loves me whole heartedly.. why would anyone leave someone like that? Maybe the vicodin, xanax, OCD pills and anti psychotics jumbled my memory. In October I threw myself down the flight of stairs outside my apartment, why? I was so doped up I don't recall.. but I did it. I "fell" down the stairs. When I didn't get any cuts to show I fell, I took a butcher knife to my head to make sure I had a cut to prove the fall. It ended up getting infected. go figure.

One night I told Rick I wanted to end my life... that it wasn't worth the pain I was causing everyone and told him I needed to get help and I called a suicide prevention line around 2 in the morning and told Missy her name was, my story. She asked me if she wanted me to send an ambulance to come get me and I said no and that I wanted to be admitted myself via the emergency room so I could spend as much time with Rick as possible before I was admitted into the psychiatric ward. Me... a straight A student... being admitted into the looneybin.. to rehab. The stigma associated with such a thing is huge and I get that but I had to go through it. Okay, you following me or are you still feeling sorry for me? It's okay. It took me months to get through it and I still deal with it every day.

My first moment in the psych ward when I kissed Rick goodbye was the scariest moment of my life. They took my bra because there was under wire in it, they took my shoes because there were laces - laces that could be used to hang myself, they made me shower in a communal shower with a CNA in the room with me, which was comforting surprisingly because I could tell her how scared I was. Then I was dressed in blue... ALL blue paper clothes. What the fuck right? It was embarrassing. I was walking in a floor where people were staring at walls, running up and down the halls banging into things (hilarious entertainment sometimes fyi) and then I met one person, his name was Donald. I won't post his last name on here but I learned more from that one man in those 6 days I was there than I think I have learned in years.

Don and I had the same contacts, it was uncanny. He, a recovering heroin addict and huge time dealer in North Carolina, and me.. a small time pain killer popper. You would think wouldn't have anything in common but we clicked and he alone is the reason I survived those days other than group sessions and therapy. We knew various people that... well are dealers in this area, the shit on them, the hilarious stories and he was the only thing that felt like 'home' in a world of sterility... of being babysat. We weren't crazy, we were recovering. We showed each other our 'battle scars'.. that's what we called them. He showed me where he would shoot up and where he tattooed over them. I then showed him my wrists.. and how they were tattooed as well. Put it together people, I am not going to spell it out.

Don was the husband of the floor. He would clean up after people, make toast for you in the morning when you missed breakfast and him and I.. we actually watched Titanic together. Okay shut up you people laughing now, but it was nice to go and sit in the small room on the ward together and watch the 4 hour long movie on cable. We weren't trusted together mind you because #1 I am a woman and he is a man, #2 we both were dealing with drug issues (Even though the ward thought I was more suicidal) and #3 someone overheard that we had been 'running' with the same group. Don kept me sane in there and once I was discharged we never saw one another again but to Don, thank you. Thank you for being you and keeping me company and sane during the scariest moments of my entire life. I prayed for him and I continue to pray for his well being. Entering that facility was the scariest thing I have ever done but I tell myself that it was the bravest decisions of my life and that I deserved to get help. I would be lying if I told you I was 100% recovered, because, I am not. Each day is a battle, each day I feel a thirst, but if you were to look at me 8-9 months ago versus now I bet you would see a different person in front of you.

I want to thank those who were ALWAYS in my corner. Rick... oh dear Rick. You should have ran when you had the chance. I don't know how anyone could have put up with what I was going through. I was dealing with the pain of losing my grandmother, of surgeries that mangled not only my physical body but my emotional state as well... for me hurting you, for everything. No matter what petty fights we have... what struggles we go through know that I have and I will do anything and everything in my power to make this work. You deserve this, WE deserve this.

Amy. You are my best friend but last summer you were an enemy to me. I hated that you sided with Rick, that you didn't back me up but it wasn't fair to you because you didn't know the whole story and you were trying to save me from myself. Without you both together I would be dead by now.

So to you who have never heard this about me maybe now you will understand why I am the way I am. I may be cynical, I may be sad, I may be crazy happy, I may be crazy period but I am who I am and I wake up each morning questioning the reason why I am here on this planet and one day I hope to find out.

Thank you all for the support. I don't want pity, please. No pity. Just see me as I am. I am an intelligent woman who will give life and limb for those closest to my heart.. I just have had bumps in the road that I have overcome.

"Here I am perfect as I'm ever gonna be, you'll see.... Love me for me"

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Wow, 3 years since I have posted to this thing.

Insane, first off. I am SUCH a huge blogger and have been doing so since forever... and I have been using my myspace blog and my actual journal to write but I forgot about this.. and then I was reading my friend Lindsay's blog and was like... Ding dong! I have a blog and I HAVENT written in ages. Insane.

Rick and I are still together, no wedding happened in October of last year, which we had planned but we are still together and worked through the bumps in the road that happened. We are planning a November 09 wedding as of now.

What happened a year ago... was insane. I dont want to talk about it, and I wont, but I will give some insight on what happened last November. I signed myself into rehab. Yes, rehab. Is it embarrassing? Horribly, but be proud that I went in and got help for getting my life back and out of the grasp of a controlled substance. Since rehab I have done well, haven't relapsed.. and am doing wonderful with that aspect. Each day is a struggle. I cry more often than I would like to admit but its okay. I will be okay. There are days where I feel as though, this may be it, life cant go anywhere else.. but I am still figuring out who I am and why I am doing what I am doing. Alright I will blog later but more importantly, let me throw in my last myspace blog into here because it is amazing.


Okay, so I wish I was typing this in my myspace little blog but I am typing this in notepad on the laptop because for some reason the internet isnt working on this thing and I NEED to write. My journal is in my car, fuck, and this blog might be a bit more personal and in depth than ones I usually do so I apologize in advance but if you dont feel like reading then... you know how to exit.
Randy Pausch. He passed away last week... and it was the first time that I wept for someone, a man, that I never met. If you don't know who he is, then, I am a bit confused for you, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon, and he was inspirational. He is best known for his "Last Lecture" which can be found on youtube (I will post the link...actually posted above, PLEASE, it will be the BEST hour you ever spend) and it is touching. Millions of people have viewed this lecture, he redid it sort of on Oprah and they had a primetime special about him last evening. I however, had the honor to have seen this lecture shortly after he made it at the request of one of my psychology professors and it made me question: Am I a Tigger or an Eeyore? Wait, what are you? Stop, and think about this. This lecture isn't about academics, but.. how to live and love life. If you listen and look more closely, he didnt make the lecture for all of us, even though it DID impact all, but rather, for his children. Just that.. right there gave me chills. He was an AMAZING man and I never spoke to him. God had given the world a chance to know this man, hear his words and understand his logic, so thank you to God.. and to Randy for sharing the good word.
Randy, he had pancreatic cancer that spread aggressively to his liver and he, I won't say "lost" his battle... but his life is now everlasting in Heaven, possibly giving his last lecture up there or maybe starting a new series of them. He left behind three young children, and a loving wife. Rest in Peace and I know that you and your spirit will be watching over the good of mankind. Even writing this I have tears in my eyes. Some people are brought to this world for significant reasons and I believe his was to teach us all to stop, breathe, and love life. Cherish the small things of life... like sitting and watching a tv show with your loved one, laughing at jokes with your husband/wife, smile when you wake up in the morning to see another day, and breathe in and fill your lungs with oxygen - you ARE alive, what a gift. Each day is a gift. Sometimes if you know me well enough you know that I get down, I have my days where there is a cloud hanging over my head and I would rather lay in bed all day alone than get up and go do things. With this being said, I take into consideration much of what Randy says, do I want to wake up in the morning upset and not happy for the day ahead or would I rather get up, SMILE, and face life head on no matter if it is a bad day because at least.. you are alive.


I have a job people!!!!!! yes, breathe in the success! Haha! It is working at the Department of Human Services in the Mainecare department regarding prior authorization. I work along side a handful of nurses and I am on the administrative end helping with claims. I am still in such a HUGE learning stage but I am liking it so far which is great. OH and my desk is 2x as big as the one I had at Bank of America and tomorrow at work I will be decorating it. I am such a girl, it is sad! What is weird though is that I started Monday and I haven't worked Weds-Today and I actually will be starting next Monday. The people who are needing to train me havent been in and now there is a second girl entering the department and I was told that it would be easier to train us together, hence us starting together next Monday. Blah. That sucks but whatev.
aww.. I just saw a commercial and it has amazing dancing and I wish I stuck with dancing :( grr. I am still striving to find my passion in life and I am searching and still am coming up empty handed. I know that my passion is in raising a family, but first, Rick and I need to get married, and then get started. ::sigh:: I dont know. I feel like my arms are up in the air and I am just screaming saying.. HELP ME FIGURE SHIT OUT! AH!! I still am unsure but I need to go with the steps of life and *hopefully* things fall into place.
that's about it for now. Please though, give the last lecture a shot, you won't regret it.

><> RIP Randy, May Angels Lead You In <><