Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Catch Me

I feel completely lost. I don't know who reads this other than few *love you ladies* but right now I am going to just write as if no one was reading this.

I wake up in the morning (or afternoons) and feel hopeless and lonely with no one or no where to turn to. Some people may look and think, well Jill must have it together etc but in all reality, if you really knew me, you knew I have most pieces of the puzzle but still havent quite figured out how to put things together yet. Then again, how many of us are in this same situation?

Family life is rocky, I hate watching things happen to my parents and know that it may be for the best but inside, it is literally ripping me apart. I havent talked to my brother about it because I hate pressing the issue, the harsh reality that is our lives. Selfish. I feel horribly selfish. I shouldnt worry about myself when it comes to this.. and I should be investing my love and efforts to my parents.. but right now, I feel withdrawn and out of place.

I would best characterize my personality right now as bi-polar. Yesterday I was on a happy high so to speak. I held all my emotions back and tried to spend time recognizing the happiness I had.. and today I woke up, fever, throwing up.. and now dry heaving with a horrible headache. I am broken. Broken... but not done for.

Yesterday I went to my doctor with Rick.. well.. she is actually a nurse practitioner midwife and we went there to discuss my internal ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. The uterus is fine, which is great... but the ovaries arent so great and I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The left ovary is completely useless. She doesn't feel comfortable treating me so now I am being sent to an endrocrinologist in Portland to see what my next steps are when it comes to trying to become pregnant. I talked to Rick about this because I feel like a complete failure as a woman. There are women out there who dont want to get pregnant but do... and then there is someone like me, who wants nothing more to have a baby. It is so completely frustrating and last night I just cried to sleep.

About a month ago I felt my life was crashing around me and that maybe a breakdown was coming.. needless to say.. it might be here.


Please God.. let me conceive and share a child with Rick. I know in my heart I was born to be a mother... please God.. let this be a possibility.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

who's going to catch me when i fall...?

Alot is running through my head.. thoughts... feelings.. emotions.. confusion. It literally is taking EVERYTHING out of me and I dont really think that anyone understands.

I get these waves of panic rush over me. I feel like I need 20 xanax just to get things to level out and I dont take it anymore. Cold water.. showers.. nothing is working. It is so frustrating. Things have been occuring at work that have completely stressed me out to the point where I am breaking down. One event has bogged me down but work itself is exacerbating my already confusing medical background. I try to explain that it isn't just this event that is breaking me down... but I literally am at the breaking point when it comes to work. I feel a mental breakdown occuring and it is going to happen at the worst moment, I just know it is going to.

I ask who's going to catch me when I fall... not because I think I'm going to fall but rather, I know I'm going to.