Monday, May 31, 2010

bury all your secrets in my skin..

I haven't felt like this in awhile. I feel incredibly lost and lonely. My seizure activity came back. On Monday I had an episode at work and I was rushed to the emergency room where I was told I had a concussion and a bruised shoulder. It hurt and still does hurt right now. On Wednesday I went into the shower because I thought hot water would help the tightness and pain in my shoulder because I didn't get anything for pain *such a battle, but I won that*. While in the shower, I went down again, cut my head on the faucet and had Jennifer and Josh bring me to the ER. I wanted to cry but didn't. Panic, confusion, upset.. and fear rushed through my body. WHY this again? I have no answers and it seems like no doctor I go to has the answer either. Call me a human guinea pig. I have had more tests, blood work, and hospital stays than any 25 year old should. I am scared and pissed to be honest with you. This unknown condition is keeping me from trying to get promoted because this isn't under control... it is making me hold back on things I normally wouldn't worry about. I am just hoping that I will get the answers soon so I can start leading my life the way it needs to be lead. Until then I will keep trying my hardest so at least I can say that I didn't give up... even though many days when I wake up lately I wonder, is this all worth it? It is like there is a hole in my chest... a hole where my questions should have answers but right now it is vacant. I hurt. I hurt in more ways than I will ever begin to tell people. I do know though, that the thought of my future with my husband is the light at the end of the tunnel.. I just want to get everything under control.

Until then...

~Jill

Saturday, May 01, 2010

changes

What an early morning for me. I went to bed this morning at 3:30... tossed and turned and listened to my sansa for about an hour and then woke up at 6:50 not even tired. My stomach still hurts pretty bad from the antibiotics I am on but today is my last day and I have already taken the last one. Thank God.

3 weeks and counting tomorrow. Pretty amazing. Its the crazy willpower I have.. but in the return for that... my eating has gone all confusing. I went through a 2 week binge and now I have to go back to my more raw diet and take away the meat. I have taken out red meat, that is gone and I have ate shrimp, chicken.. and that's it. For the past 2 days I have eaten bananas, yogurt, apples.. and basically as much fresh organic produce as possible. I probably sound like a crazy person but I am trying to do a 120 on everything and eventually within the next 2 years when Rick and I are more financially stable and whatnot we can attempt to have a baby and see what happens.

Work is going well, I just need to make sure I am working 40 hours and not leaving for appointments or anything like that. I need to buckle down and not take ooh.. and to try to tough it out if I am not feeling well. ugh.

That's it for now.. I have to finish up stuff for my classes... joy of finals week.

<><

~Jill