Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Its been forever!

It feels like its been forever since I updated so let me tell you whats been going on! School has been going well, Ive been getting some pretty decent grades (with the exception of 1) so Im happy that all of my hard work has been paying off. My family is doing well, I see them at least once a week and I swear Im always on the phone with them haha. Oh well.

This past Sunday Rick and I ventured into Boston for a Metallica/Godsmack concert. Now, let me tell you how amazing that was. Godsmack.. oh goodlord. How hot is Sully? It was a great experience. I had never been to a heavy metal concert before so it was quite a change. The day in Boston kind of sucked though. The weather was just rain rain rain and that bummed us out a bit because I mean walking in Boston while its cold and rainy doesnt really make for an exciting day. We went to the science museum and we took some pictures of dinosaurs, this thing from Star Wars and DNA (rock on, I know. ) We then went to Quincy Market but by then it was almost downpouring so Rick and I hopped on the T, went back to South Station and caught a bite to eat before the concert. We ended up getting back in Waterville the next morning around 3 am. It was a pretty great day.

So i have been taking these meds for almost 2 weeks now and they are starting to adjust to my body because Im not getting as sick as i was before. Thank god!!!!!!

Flash is getting so big, I feel like a mommy.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Long weekend

Well, its Columbus day and I have no school. I have to work at Charlies at 430 but its okay, I need the money in the worst way. I have bills to pay and Christmas is in about 2 months so I need to get going on that.

Friday I received my results for the blood tests I had about a month ago and I have low thyroid and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Great. They are sending me two prescriptions for medications that should start treating both issues. Im a bit scared... okay, Im lying. Im scared out of my mind but Im glad they finally figured out what is wrong with me. After all, its only been, what, 8 months?

Saturday I worked at Charlies from 8-12 then I worked at DQ 1230-6. Courtney called me and told me that one of our friends Sean got into a pretty bad car accident. I was shocked. I couldnt cry, I couldnt do anything. I was just in this state of shock and I didnt know what to do or what to say. I felt horrible because she was so upset, which I can understand, and I was just.. not responsive. Its like, I knew I heard what she said but I couldnt internalize it. It ended up hitting me that night when on the 10 oclock news I saw the car... saw the accident. Emotions overcame me and since then they have not stopped. Sean, we love you and all of us are praying.

Sunday Rick and I both had the day off together. Thank God we have a single day where we both dont have to work or dont have class. We ended up cleaning the apartment better than its ever been cleaned before. Seriously, its unreal. We packed up all of our laundry, which was like 5 bags full and left for Augusta around 130. We went to his dads to do laundry and then we went and hung out at my parents. We watched the game, ate dinner, played Halo with Joel and Tyler and thats about it. We left there around 7:45 and when we got home we put away all the laundry, cleaned up a bit after that, and I watched Desperate Housewifes. What a dork I am.

Well, thats all. I have about 4 hours until I have to leave and I have a lot of homework to do so Im going to get at it!

*Jill

Friday, October 08, 2004

Cant Sleep!

Its about midnight and yeah, Im not in bed AGAIN! Blah. Its not like I have too busy of a day tomorrow, I have Human Development from 10-1245, then I have to run some errands and then Im working 330-8. Lovely day.

Its weird that when I have to work at Charlies I dread it. I like the job, I guess Im just not completely comfortable there yet.

Ricks not feeling well :( my poor baby. He went to bed at like 9 so Im hoping he gets enough sleep to make him feel better. Hes too friggin cute, he fell asleep listening to music, all snuggled up with the electric blanket. *sappy sigh* I won the jackpot with that one.

So this is night #2 that Ive stayed up talking online, mostly with girls from home, primarily Courtney. What a nut that girl is. Im missing my girls from home, but many will be around town in the next couple of weeks so Im pleased with that.

JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE BELLS :) I am so pumped for Christmas its not even funny. Yeah, im nuts and am being completely random tonight. rock on.

Well, I guess Im going to call it a night

*In a moment, everything can change*

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

someone...

Sometimes I tell myself Im weak, and lately, its been often.

Its been about a year and a half since my memere passed away and I feel as though Im still not over it. People tell me that its normal and I should be moving on but I cant. I just cant. My Memere was the only grandparent Ive ever known, biologically speaking. My fathers mother died before I was born and his father wants nothing to do with our family. My mothers father died before I was born as well, so my Memere was the only grandparent Ive ever known. Its not just that but she lived behind my house for over ten years of my life, she was something extremely special to me and I know she was special to my family as well.

Today I got out of work at 3 and didnt have to be at class until 4 so I headed to the cemetary. I went and cleaned off my brothers grave, along with my memeres and peperes. About 2 months ago I found that Adams urn was missing, which made me furious! Grr. When I went today there were flowers there that my father had left and I took a bundle from my Memere's urn and placed it in the ground above Adam's headstone. I know she would understand, hes just a baby. While I was there I just talked to her...and I started to cry. It made me feel so weak but it was something that I couldnt control. Since shes passed away Ive shunned away from the church, where I was brought up... Ive just shyed away from everything that has to do with religion because I was.. and still am a bit angry. Why cant I get over this?? Grieving I thought didnt take years... but I guess only time will tell.

"Seen that ray of light
and it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
Took this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me "

Sunday, October 03, 2004

You give me fever...

...and thats what I had today a fever!! Bummer. Rick and I did a bunch of stuff today and I think I might have overdone it just a bit. We dropped off laundry at his fathers and then we went apple picking, shopping, and then to my parents house. When I got to my parents I felt pretty bad but lately, Im getting used to it. There hasnt been a day that has gone by in the past few weeks where I havent felt completely shitty. My mom insisted that I take my temp so I did and it was over 100. Lovely. Got to love that.

Why the hell do I stress out so much? I dont even realize that Im stressing out. Last week I had 3 exams, American Government, Principles of Management, and Biology Lecture. I think I did alright on Bio, but for the other 2, I might need a miracle people. I had to work 9-3 at DQ on Tuesday and I left at 11, I felt so horrible it was unbelieveable. Everyone who I saw that morning asked me what was wrong so I guess people could tell. Blah. I just wish I could learn how to de-stress myself you know?

Im waiting for news from the doctor about all my blood work. My MRI came back normal *thank God* but they said they had to send away for my blood work and it will be another week or so until I get it. Im not pleased at all because I want to figure out what the hell is going on with me.

Lately, a lot has been going on with me and no one really knows.. or understands for that matter. I was thinking that maybe I needed to go to a counselor or something and me admitting that makes me feel like hey, Im fucked up. Its not that Im you know, thinking of doing anything drastic but there are things that Im angry about, things that I need to vent to someone and I would prefer them to not know my friends or family and just them help me. A friend of mine told me that maybe I should talk to a friend about it, and I do talk to them, its not that. I just feel as though I need to talk to someone else....

What to do. What to do.

Well, I guess I'll go work on my lab report or something.



Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Flash has arrived!

Thats right, you read that right! My beloved kitty Flash is here! After some persuasion from my mother, the people let me take him a few days early :) Hes a riot let me tell you. My brother loves him, which is good, so Im hoping now that I have a kitty, Joel will be more apt to come visit and all, especially where I dont see him nearly enough.

Im so stressed out its making me sick, literally. I left work today 4 hours early. Its like, right now I just cant STAND stress. Ive been getting these really horrible headaches and it just seems like Im fighting a losing battle you know? Joel keeps on telling me to take vitamin c capsules lol, hes a fruit.

I have 3 exams this week. Today I had an American Government one, which kicked my ass. I felt like I studied for hours and hours on end and I really dont feel I did any better than a C maybe, if Im lucky. On Thursday I have 2, Biology Lecture and then Principles of Management. I feel Im pretty set for Bio, but for management, oh goodlord. I made a zillion notecards the other night while working so I should start studying them but its just like, I cant. Blah.

Courtneys coming home this weekend for the cony homecoming game so I hope I get to see her. Danielle was home last weekend and we hung out for a bit, watched tv, nothing too exciting, but I was so drained. I felt like I had hours and hours of work to do and no time to do it.

Well, Im talking to a zillion people here so im going to get going!!



Wednesday, September 15, 2004

in a moment...

everything can change...

Its been about 10 days since I last wrote anything, probably due to the fact that Im extremely busy and I barely have enough time to do anything else besides go to school, do homework, work, and attempt to keep my life sane.

Let me just update you on key parts of my life!

Rick.
We celebrated our 2 year anniversary on the 13th! It was an exciting experience, especially where I have never been with anyone for so long. It has taken a lot of effort for us both to get to where we are today. This past weekend though him and I really just had a bad time. We fought so bad to the point where I threw up my hands, cried my eyes out, and left because I just didnt know what else to do. It frustrated me so much because I feel as though I have changed everything bad about myself to make myself a better person for Rick and sometimes I feel as though it is not a reciprocated thing you know? Im selfish. Yes. And I do expect things to change over night but I guess that is not how the world works you know? Him and I are fine now, which is the good news, but Im learning that as the months pass him and I will learn how to better deal with certain things amongst ourselves.

Family
Viva Las Vegas!! My mom left for Vegas for a business trip yesterday and she sounds like she is having a blast so Im mucho happy for her. She should be back Friday morning. Joels a riot, hes really growing up to be a funny guy, which im happy about because it gives me someone to go to who can understand me on a certain level. My dad is a big sweetie. On Tuesday I had my MRI which was so horrible, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER have one again, it hurt sooooooooooooo bad. My dad ended up coming with me to Lewiston to have it so I didnt have to be alone. Im so scared about this whole doctor issue thing that I really dont want to go anymore, but I need to learn what is wrong.

School/Work
Work is going alright. Im not working much at DQ anymore, and the only draw back of that is that I dont see the people I like there, which is a major bummer. Im hoping Jenna and I can hang out a bit, especially where are apartments are about a mile apart. I start Charlies reception on Friday night and Im petrified!!!!! I hope it goes well, and if it doesnt, then what can I do right? School is hectic and I feel as though Im always in class and always reading or making note cards but I keep on telling myself... 2 more years... 2 more years...

Well, I should get to bed where I open at DQ tomorrow, 9-1215. Then I have Bio Lecture 1-345 and then Principles of Management 4-645. Oh great. I hate Thursdays.

- Jill

Sunday, September 05, 2004

one of those days..

Today was an okay day I guess. I didnt have to work thanks to Joe, so this morning I made sure that I brought him some cookies that I baked for him last night. I was very happy about that.. but then as the day went on... it just seemed like I got more and more sad. I really didnt feel like being around anyone and I wanted to go to bed and sleep the whole day away. Everything that has been going on lately has just finally caught up with me and has just bogged me down emotionally. Rick has been amazing through it all, but I feel horrible because when Im sad he becomes worried that it is his fault, and its not. Rick, I love you. Its not you I promise.

Sometimes I wish I could just be happy all the time, not be this sad person that I feel has taken over me these past couple of days. Im not depressed.. well at least I dont think so, but I just have been down and Ive tried so hard to get back up and alright, but I havent quite reached that goal. Im still trying though. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Today I went to go see Wicker Park with my mom :) It was a blast, shes such an awesome lady. It was a great movie too so that was tres great. Josh Hartnett, mmm :) Besides the over amounts of hottie eye candy, the movie wasnt too bad and had me on the edge for a bit. Im so smart though, I pieced it all together. It was really nice though to spend some time with my mom, just her and I. It hasnt happened much lately, and Im glad that we spent time together today.

Tomorrow my Nana and Grampy are having a cookout around noon and my family is going and so arent we. Im not really looking forward to it, which must sound awful, but Im not. Its not that Im unhappy to see my family but as of late.. there has come this point that I just want it to be Rick and I some days. I dont think him and I have had one day that it has just been a 'date' day or something you know? I must sound dumb, especially where him and I are living together and we see each other constantly, but sometimes you need to do something special with one another, or do nothing more than watch movies and chill out all day you know?? I could be asking for too much.. who knows.

Well, I should get to bed...

*Jill

Saturday, September 04, 2004

when it rains, it pours

Its been awhile... almost over 3 weeks since I have last updated. The past month has been pretty great. I hung out with my girls and played poker :) We had a blast.. or at least I did. Im not the best at the game but we are going to make sure we play again whenever we all are home and whatnot.

School started this past Monday and I havent stopped stressing out since. Work scheduled me 35 hours, and I got another job at Charlies Motor Mall, doing reception :) Im so pumped that I got that job because for the longest time I have been searching for a desk job. I like DQ, yeah, but with this I can be promoted and I like knowing that my job isnt just a dead end job. School seems alright, wicked hard though. Im not quite sure how Im going to pull it off, but Im sure going to try. My biology lecture seems great, I love it already. Lab blows. Management is kind of lame, but the teacher is a froot loop to say the least. Human Development is okay.. and same with Government. I have such a full load. I was planning on volunteering at the hospital on Sundays but Im not sure if I will have the time. My parents said not to work more than 25 hours a week.. and Im really pushing it.

I got some of my blood results back and Im petrified to say the least. Rick says not to worry and to keep my chin up but its so fucking hard. I dont even think he can begin to understand how scary hearing that stuff can be. I can deal with low thyroid, and this whole polycystic ovary disease and the chance of not having children, but a tumor too... Im about done. I dont know and I PRAY that theres nothing there, but its always me to assume the worst and Im trying to change that but I guess one thing at a time. The worst part of all of this is waiting. I have to wait until the 14th for my MRI. Blah. I feel like a ticking time bomb. I know that I must be overreacting but thats kind of how I feel. Im just me...

Well, Joe took my shift tomorrow so I have it off, Thank goodness for that child, he was my lifesaver. I baked him cookies :)

Its almost 1 so I should get some much needed rest...

*Jill

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

too tired

I havent updated in a few days so I'll just give a little update before I head to bed.

This weekend on Saturday I hung out with Amy, Danielle, and Courtney. We met at the beach then hung out for a bit at Danielles. It was nice getting to see some of my friends again before school starts because I dont think that I will see them as often as I hope. On Sunday Joel, Erica, Tyler, Nharra, Luc, Phil, Eric, Jenna, Josh and Jennifer came up to watch wrestling. We ordered 9 pizzas and everyone stayed over until about 11, except for Joel who stayed the night.

Other than that all I have done is work it feels like. Eh. Its okay I guess. I need the money. I have had a couple of job interviews and Im waiting to hear from them because when winter comes around I will need a place that can give me more hours. Blah. I am so tired, I need rest!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Day off spent at the doctors

Hey :)

Today was my endocrinologist appointment in Lewiston. I was nervous as all hell, but it went alright. I have to have more blood drawn and a few more tests done before they can start treating this whole thing. Eh. I wish none of this ever happened but what can you do right?

I have a job interview on Friday for a receptionist position. Its for 20-25 hours a week, which will be great in the winter because DQ cuts hours majorly and in the summer I can work 20 or so hours at DQ and at the other job. Hopefully I get it, but I wont get my hopes up. Last time I did that I didnt get the job and was bummed about it.

The past couple of nights I havent been able to sleep well. I just feel really sick. I dont know what is going on but whatever it is, I hope it subsides soon. I hate being sick, and I love sleeping, so mixing the two just doesnt work you know?

Well, Im going to get going and enjoy the rest of my day off!

*Jill

Sunday, August 08, 2004

sick tummy :(

Whats up!

Nothing too much going on here just got done watching a couple of movies with Rick and now Im going to go fold laundry and pick up the place because its a mess.

I went to work today and worked for a whole 2 hours. Yeah. Something is wrong with me. Im constantly dizzy and I feel sick to my stomach. My dad just had a flu like this though and a few people at work were complaining about the same sort of thing so my guess would be that somethings going around.

Rick picked me up from work today and we just cuddled on the couch. That boy can make me feel better by doing the littlest of things and thats amazing to me. I ended up falling asleep before the end of the movie but waking up to Rick is a treat everytime. I love him :)

I just got off the phone with Heidi from work. What a sweet girl that is. When I told someone I talked online to people I work with she thought I was crazy. I dont get it I guess. I really do like people I work with, enough to talk online with, enough to call, and hey, enough to spend my time with. Heidi is one of those girls, shes great and she knows if she needs anything Im here.

Well, Im off to go do whatever I need to do and then Im off to bed because Im waking up with Rick for his doctors appointment.

*Jill

Friday, August 06, 2004

Im sleeping in tomorrow!

I got tomorrow off!! :) *Sorry Heidi* I called Chris and he took my shift, thank God. I havent been really feeling that well today and I just wanted tomorrow off. Call me selfish, call me whatever you want, but I have the day off tomorrow and I am happy! Only problem is my hours this week are down to like 21. Oh well. I worked 40 last week and 40 next week so having a slow week for me is okay, Im not about to complain. I cant just work. If you want to do something call me :)

Tonight I had a wonderful shift, I loved pretty much everyone there. Heidi and Ang are wicked fun people to work with so that made the night go by much faster, especially when all we did was laugh. I think we annoyed a few people just because when I laugh a lot I dont work so yeah, I need to work on that. Nights like these make me want to work there, just too bad we didnt have like *assigned* work groups because if Heidi and Ang were in mine, I would work 40 hours with no complaints.

Well, Im going to grab a quick bowl of cereal and head to bed. Ricks already sleeping his head away and Im just going to go in a cuddle him a bit. I wonder if guys need that, cuddling I mean. I know that means a lot to me, and I mean Rick has told me that it does but I really wonder you know? Okay, maybe Im having an off moment.

Night.

*Jill

Late Night Monopoly and Pizza

Blah, Im tired.

Last night Jennifer and Josh came upstairs around 945 to play Monopoly. If you didnt know, Jennifer is Ricks older sister, Josh is her boyfriend, and they live in the first floor apartment under us. The game went to about 1AM and Rick won, of course. Jen was the bank and kept putting money into her own, not even realizing it. I definitely think she needed to go to bed. It did seem odd that she had over 1500 dollars :)

So, its about 11 now and I just woke up. I have to work 4-10 tonight and I dont want to whatsoever. Im just not feeling well and there will be no way that someone will take this shift so yep, Im going to work. I open tomorrow too so that sucks. I was thinking of trying to find someone to take that shift instead, so maybe, just maybe, that is what I will try to do.

Me working though I think has really formed some rifts in my relationships so to speak. I dont see my friends nearly as muchas I thought I would and I think there are a few of them that are getting pissed about it. I work 30-40 hours a week AND live in Waterville and they get upset if I dont make plans or go out of my way to see them. Come on. Its a two way street you know? Danielle is the only one who has called me this summer on a regular occasion and its great to at least talk to someone time to time you know? I just wish some of my friends would grow up and realize that Im not living at home and I need to pay for everything here and not get so angry about it. But then again, some of them are just angry because well, they just are. They have to be something right? I dont mean to upset anyone by that, but that is how I feel. You get upset that people make plans without you, but you are never the one to make the plans. So make the plans, and hey, invite me if you want. It just sucks when you IM someone online and get one word responses, if any response at all.

Well, Im going to get going. I need to find another class to take in the fall and if I dont do it soon, there will be no classes left to take.


*Jill

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Rambling on...and on...

Two times in one day, must be something in the air I tell you.

I was just paying bills, ugh. Its hard to finally come to the realization that I am growing up and that bills are going to become part of my everyday life. It sucks, and I feel like I am constantly behind. I mean, I definitely have never paid anything late ever, but its just like, I wish my credit cards had a balance of zero and I had a checkbook with over $3000 dollars in it. Wishful thinking, I know. Joel got all the money saving genes or something, he has double what I do. Grr.

So my friend Amy is bummed she is in a triple for college, sorry love. Thats kind of one reason Im happy to be in an apartment, because all my stuff is everywhere and Im not confined into this 8x8 room you know? Part of me is wondering if Im missing the 'college experience' but I really dont want to find out. Does that make me weird? Eh. I dont know. I mean, I have made friends at work that are my age and live right near me, like Jenna, and I have made some friends through classes so I dont think that Im all that different than my friends. Im really happy though because finally my life in many ways is settling down. Im not moving anymore, I have a job and Im enrolled full time into college and I seem to be heading down the right path towards a career I look forward to.

So, my endocrinologist appointment is next week and Im nervous as all hell. I really wish that they could give me a definite yes/no answer about the PCOS thing going on in me. I would highly appreciate it just so I could start treatment and try to go on with my life. From what I have been reading in postboards and whatever, the medication to treat this is pretty bad when it comes to side effects so I am really dreading that part of it. If it can enable me to have children in the future, then, I am all for it. Part of me would feel horrible that if in the future I could not, you know, give that part of life to Rick because I know that he really wants it. People have been telling me that I am overreacting, which yeah, I might be but I am scared to death and I dont know what else to do. I mean, I DONT want children right now, no no no, but if it were to happen now, I dont think I would get an abortion or put it up for adoption. That just doesnt seem right to me. I dont know. Maybe Im nuts.

I've been thinking about Allen a lot lately. Ive been praying and hoping that all is well with him, especially where hes in the heart of this war. Its just really scary hearing that countless soldiers die everyday and he could be one of them. Ricks cousin Jeff is over there, and my cousin Becky is being deployed in early September. Oh, I wish this would end now and the world would be peaceful. Like that will ever happen. One can only hope.

Until next time

*Jill

First time..

Hello.

It's been awhile since I've taken the time each day to write down my thoughts, and I have decided that I need to do there where its cleared a lot of my mind and conscious. Life, well. Life is going alright. Nothing amazing or horrible, but just run of the mill okay. My mom just had surgery and shes doing well, thank God. I felt as though these past few days I have morphed into the mother figure and she has taken mine, where I have waited on her hand and foot. She deserves it though. Doing what I have for her really has made me feel as though nursing is the path I should be taking. I believe I thoroughly will enjoy it.

Work sucks, I really dont like it for the most part. I love so many of the people I work with, so I think that is what keeps me going. I enjoy you know, making cakes, and decorating, but working in the stores with the younger kids is very tiring. Working 40 hours there a week feels like 100, especially when I work with people I dislike. I have already started looking for a second job, where 2 of the 3 DQ's close in the fall and I wont get enough hours to support myself. Then I am thinking that next summer I will work both jobs and bring in the cash, because I will need it.

Rick and I are doing alright. I have some issues with some of his habits and some of the items he holds on to. He says I should try to understand and I do try, but I cant try any more because that just doesnt work for me. Im so stubborn and so strong when it comes to things but with this issue, I just melt, want to cry, and I want to go back myself into a corner. I promise I am trying to fix my feelings, but feelings are exactly that, feelings. I cant just change them because I want them to change can I? Its complicated I guess, but then again, that is life for you. I love him, and will continue to love him, but I feel as though this has really made me put up a couple of walls again, and that really bothers me. Him and I will work it out I hope.

School starts up soon. I am right now trying to figure out my schedule. Damn. I signed up for the wrong class and the one I wanted to replace it with is full. Figures. If they make signing up for school so complicated, who says Im going to want to put forth the effort with the classes? Fuck school, let me just win Powerball.

Im out.

*Jill