tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78709032024-03-13T13:55:01.299-07:00The JourneyThis is just my release, my ability to get out all my thoughts no matter what anyone says or thinks. It is healthy to get it out... and that is what I will do!Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.comBlogger100125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-22521331648106472202011-02-13T00:40:00.001-08:002011-02-13T00:40:31.320-08:00late night ramblings3am in the morning. Hello again.<br /><br />I spent a huge chunk of time working on schoolwork. It’s frustrating, stressful but completely rewarding. I keep hoping that I receive some sort of heads up... a beacon of light so to speak that gives me the answer to the question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I still don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to be at T-Mobile forever. Maybe I can stick with T-Mobile but get off of the phones as much. I love talking and assisting, but there are certain aspects now that are just dreadful. <br />It’s been almost 4 months now that I have had to take something to sleep, whether it is Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, or an Ambien. I hate Ambien. It makes me sleep phenomenally but I don’t remember anything leading up to when I get into bed. I trust those around me so it isn’t like worrying about being harmed, but it is more on the level of losing control. I am a control freak, a hound so to speak. I like things to be done the way I anticipate them to be done and if things aren’t done like I am used to, it gets under my skin. Tangent aside, I don’t know the reason behind my complete lack of natural sleep. My circadian rhythm is messed up. I have always been a night owl and I do know that contributes to it, but before I was able to naturally get tired and now I have to become sleepy artificially. I’ve started taking melatonin and valerian root as I have heard it helps, Valerian root is helping with more anxiety than anything, and melatonin is alright. I can feel when I take melatonin as I can feel it messing me up a bit. It doesn’t give a euphoric feeling to anything like that, but I continuously yawn and stretch until I succumb to the sleep monster.<br /><br />Visited with my dad a bit today, it was a small visit but nice. I’m working on trying to maintain my friendships with my friends and family. It seems near impossibly sometimes because Joel is in another city working, my mom works and is spending time with family and friends, and of course all friends have different work schedules or agendas. Phew. Everyone comes together when they need to, and I understand that fully so this isn’t a statement of resentment, rather one of observance. <br /><br />Sidenote: Halle Berry in Gothika is surprisingly a successful role for her. She can pull of intelligent with a side order of crazy.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-24450505015657619182011-02-10T21:09:00.000-08:002011-02-10T22:05:16.983-08:00green.monsterI've been in a bit of a slump. Is it weird to feel jealous and happy at the same time? It's crazy. When I see pregnant women around me smiling, happy, thrilled for the fact they are bringing in another life into this world, I share in their happiness but long to experience the same feeling. It's just an odd feeling to try to explain to people, so... I don't try. I believe that it will happen when the time is right, but sometimes I wonder... when is the time going to be right? How many more times can my body fail me? I don't even know. It can make one person not feel like a woman if that begins to shed light on how I feel. I can see these single girls that have no idea who their baby's daddy is... and they get knocked up a few times and live off the system... and they live their life and I.. well.. I'm married to my best friend, live in a nice apartment and want nothing more to take our relationship to the next level and bring a life into this world. I just hope that it is in the cards for me. <br /><br />I've been looking at a lot of different options and different interventions to help with fertility and I am hoping to benefit from what I am implementing. I think for the most part I have a good set of doctors and whatnot, and of course there are changes in myself that I need to make. I am just hoping and praying that in the next 2ish years we will figure it out and I will get pregnant.<br /><br />Alright enough of that. It's hard to try to be positive but I am trying for sure. <br /><br />Ugh, I start writing and insert a huge migraine. Blah.<br /><br />School has been increasingly difficult. It's hard. It's very writing intensive and I don't mind that aspect of it, but the assignments are completely abstract and aren't exactly correlating with the curriculum. It kind of confuses me, but I will get it straight. I'm a straight forward thinker for the most part and these papers and assignments literally stump me to the point where I have to put it away.<br /><br />I need to put the laptop away... maybe schedule some stuff out for school.. 2 papers and 3 journal entries due by Sunday, all while helping my sister in law move. phew.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-89688211951824764682011-01-26T19:25:00.000-08:002011-01-26T20:03:47.821-08:002011Okay, I last wrote November 16th and I vowed to write everyday for a month. Wow, do I suck! It's okay, I know that I tend to have these big dreams and visions for myself when it comes to making "me" time and I never tend to do it!<br /><br />So, 2011, welcome. It is a very welcome welcome, if that makes sense. I was so ready to put 2010 behind me for multiple reasons. It was a hard and trying year. My parents got divorced, we had to move, doctors visits galore.. I don't know. I felt like I spent the majority of 2010 trying to wrap my head around the craziness that was my life as opposed to really living for it. Does that makes sense? I honestly felt myself going into the whole fight or flight mentality many times, which can literally wreck your body and soul. <br /><br />I started becoming more of a "foodie"... I started baking and creating all these different things and would take pictures of the process. When I would go to restaurants I order something new and went in with a new frame of mind. I literally HATE trying new food, it kind of scares me, but I have decided I might as well try new things, what do I have to lose?... besides my lunch? haha :)<br /><br />I'm drawing a blank... time to put writing up.<br /><br />xoxo<br /><br />-JJillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-8234798616963015212010-11-16T12:33:00.000-08:002010-11-16T12:48:39.318-08:00day one of bloggingI thought to myself the other day that writing everyday would be therapeutic and helpful... I mean, what could it hurt? Exactly. I just installed the blog to my blackberry so when I'm on the go I can still write.<br /><br />I played around a bit on foursquare earlier and I thought to myself.. Holy shit that site is intended for stalkers I swear! I think many of us just want to have the ability to see what people are doing at an time. Some level of privacy has flown out the window. I can't say much though. I use and live by facebook. I diddle with twitter and foursquare and of course I write here sporadically for anyone to read.<br /><br />Lately I have been on an organic food kick. I know its crazy but I have been doing research on foods that have been genetically modified and how that impacts the body. Even my beloved Coke has GMO's so its a wake up. Especially with the fact that we don't need to be notified of such things. It makes you think like.. Is what I'm eating chemical free? Like raw milk for example. I know, I know, I cringed too at the thought but some of the benefits are remarkable. It is illegal to sell it in most states because the process.. And drinking homogenized milk and milk by products is all that many have been introduced to and is all they know. One documentary I watched had blurred out faces of members of the FDA purchasing raw milk on the "black market" for farming. Crazy! <br /><br />Chocolate soy milk = love.<br /><br />We are moving! Its not the plan that I may have had years ago... To be moving into another apartment but the pros far outweigh the cons. Pro.. Is that it is in a secure building. The rent is the same but we now pay electricity. Cable and internet will be less expensive. Oh and we have a storage now. I think in the long run it will be a good thing!<br /><br />Alright day one is done!Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-81448012776930649422010-09-22T15:27:00.001-07:002010-09-22T15:44:28.399-07:00Catch MeI feel completely lost. I don't know who reads this other than few *love you ladies* but right now I am going to just write as if no one was reading this.<br /><br />I wake up in the morning (or afternoons) and feel hopeless and lonely with no one or no where to turn to. Some people may look and think, well Jill must have it together etc but in all reality, if you really knew me, you knew I have most pieces of the puzzle but still havent quite figured out how to put things together yet. Then again, how many of us are in this same situation?<br /><br />Family life is rocky, I hate watching things happen to my parents and know that it may be for the best but inside, it is literally ripping me apart. I havent talked to my brother about it because I hate pressing the issue, the harsh reality that is our lives. Selfish. I feel horribly selfish. I shouldnt worry about myself when it comes to this.. and I should be investing my love and efforts to my parents.. but right now, I feel withdrawn and out of place.<br /><br />I would best characterize my personality right now as bi-polar. Yesterday I was on a happy high so to speak. I held all my emotions back and tried to spend time recognizing the happiness I had.. and today I woke up, fever, throwing up.. and now dry heaving with a horrible headache. I am broken. Broken... but not done for.<br /><br />Yesterday I went to my doctor with Rick.. well.. she is actually a nurse practitioner midwife and we went there to discuss my internal ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. The uterus is fine, which is great... but the ovaries arent so great and I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The left ovary is completely useless. She doesn't feel comfortable treating me so now I am being sent to an endrocrinologist in Portland to see what my next steps are when it comes to trying to become pregnant. I talked to Rick about this because I feel like a complete failure as a woman. There are women out there who dont want to get pregnant but do... and then there is someone like me, who wants nothing more to have a baby. It is so completely frustrating and last night I just cried to sleep.<br /><br />About a month ago I felt my life was crashing around me and that maybe a breakdown was coming.. needless to say.. it might be here.<br /><br />Help.<br /><br />Please God.. let me conceive and share a child with Rick. I know in my heart I was born to be a mother... please God.. let this be a possibility.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-23926855766142783922010-09-01T21:32:00.000-07:002010-09-01T21:49:14.771-07:00who's going to catch me when i fall...?Alot is running through my head.. thoughts... feelings.. emotions.. confusion. It literally is taking EVERYTHING out of me and I dont really think that anyone understands.<br /><br />I get these waves of panic rush over me. I feel like I need 20 xanax just to get things to level out and I dont take it anymore. Cold water.. showers.. nothing is working. It is so frustrating. Things have been occuring at work that have completely stressed me out to the point where I am breaking down. One event has bogged me down but work itself is exacerbating my already confusing medical background. I try to explain that it isn't just this event that is breaking me down... but I literally am at the breaking point when it comes to work. I feel a mental breakdown occuring and it is going to happen at the worst moment, I just know it is going to.<br /><br />I ask who's going to catch me when I fall... not because I think I'm going to fall but rather, I know I'm going to.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-9057065195742352922010-08-03T06:28:00.000-07:002010-08-03T06:56:43.869-07:00It's going to be biblicalOh Law Abiding Citizen, how I enjoy you! :)<br /><br />Crazy movie but love it even though the whole premise of the movie is a bit skewed. I actually end up feeling bad for Gerard Butler's character even though he killed people throughout the movie. I want to go to the movies, even if by myself I really don't care. I wish they had a double feature or something, nothing beats watching a couple of movies in a theater, especially on a rainy day.<br /><br />Sleep is lackluster, I can't seem to get enough or it's more the lack of quality which is hindering me. I'm not going to take anything to sleep because then I will end up sleeping my entire day away. <br /><br />First day back at work today after about a week off. It wasn't a vacation.. it was meningitis and whooping cough. Awesome, amazing me. I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding the time I have been home getting better.. it's been one of those times where there are more down moments instead of ups. Understandable when I'm in and out of the hospital for treatment but it makes things easier when other things aren't bringing you further down.<br /><br />alright.. I'm going to go get my comfy sweatshirt on and brave work... hope today is a day I can face.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-222917255003313372010-06-17T23:56:00.001-07:002010-06-18T00:04:33.161-07:00Eye for an EyeIt's basically 3am and I am wide awake.. and am up with a really bad stomach ache and headache. I tried closing my eyes as I sit here on the loveseat and it just isnt happening. Im not going to go roll around in bed and keep Rick up, its not right.<br /><br />Im watching something about the death penalty. This man stabbed a woman 28 times over 10 years ago.. and this woman's mom talked to him for 12 hours before he was executed. It is so weird seeing her go from so angry to almost feeling some sort of empathy.. or compassion for him. I understand he is a human being, and in no way am I saying that because he is a murderer that he be treated in an unjust and cruel manner but killing him... taking a life for a life.. does that make it right? It is a huge question I think lots of people ask, at least someone that believes that killing someone is a sin. Do two wrongs make a right? In this case does it? It is a concept that I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around. I believe that murdering someone is a sin... but I believe in capitol punishment. Ugh so confusing. I don't feel bad for the person being executed because obviously they did something to deserve it.. but who are we to decide what is completely wrong?<br /><br />Dont get me wrong in anyway, murder etc of course is horrid.. but in Maine arson.. ARSON gets more of a sentence than murder. Tell me please how that makes sense? How can a child molester get a year in jail and 4 years on parole but eventually become integrated back into civilian life? I think that on some cases things are unjust and a little bit backwards.<br /><br />An eye for an eye?<br /><br />love opinions.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-55709606208351272572010-05-31T13:12:00.000-07:002010-05-31T13:28:45.073-07:00bury all your secrets in my skin..I haven't felt like this in awhile. I feel incredibly lost and lonely. My seizure activity came back. On Monday I had an episode at work and I was rushed to the emergency room where I was told I had a concussion and a bruised shoulder. It hurt and still does hurt right now. On Wednesday I went into the shower because I thought hot water would help the tightness and pain in my shoulder because I didn't get anything for pain *such a battle, but I won that*. While in the shower, I went down again, cut my head on the faucet and had Jennifer and Josh bring me to the ER. I wanted to cry but didn't. Panic, confusion, upset.. and fear rushed through my body. WHY this again? I have no answers and it seems like no doctor I go to has the answer either. Call me a human guinea pig. I have had more tests, blood work, and hospital stays than any 25 year old should. I am scared and pissed to be honest with you. This unknown condition is keeping me from trying to get promoted because this isn't under control... it is making me hold back on things I normally wouldn't worry about. I am just hoping that I will get the answers soon so I can start leading my life the way it needs to be lead. Until then I will keep trying my hardest so at least I can say that I didn't give up... even though many days when I wake up lately I wonder, is this all worth it? It is like there is a hole in my chest... a hole where my questions should have answers but right now it is vacant. I hurt. I hurt in more ways than I will ever begin to tell people. I do know though, that the thought of my future with my husband is the light at the end of the tunnel.. I just want to get everything under control.<br /><br />Until then...<br /><br />~JillJillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-14690208848937487832010-05-01T04:56:00.001-07:002010-05-01T05:13:38.374-07:00changesWhat an early morning for me. I went to bed this morning at 3:30... tossed and turned and listened to my sansa for about an hour and then woke up at 6:50 not even tired. My stomach still hurts pretty bad from the antibiotics I am on but today is my last day and I have already taken the last one. Thank God.<br /><br />3 weeks and counting tomorrow. Pretty amazing. Its the crazy willpower I have.. but in the return for that... my eating has gone all confusing. I went through a 2 week binge and now I have to go back to my more raw diet and take away the meat. I have taken out red meat, that is gone and I have ate shrimp, chicken.. and that's it. For the past 2 days I have eaten bananas, yogurt, apples.. and basically as much fresh organic produce as possible. I probably sound like a crazy person but I am trying to do a 120 on everything and eventually within the next 2 years when Rick and I are more financially stable and whatnot we can attempt to have a baby and see what happens. <br /><br />Work is going well, I just need to make sure I am working 40 hours and not leaving for appointments or anything like that. I need to buckle down and not take ooh.. and to try to tough it out if I am not feeling well. ugh.<br /><br />That's it for now.. I have to finish up stuff for my classes... joy of finals week.<br /><br /><><<br /><br />~JillJillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-10387684078138099692010-04-16T22:26:00.000-07:002010-04-16T22:39:36.289-07:00Energy late at nightDoes this happen to anyone else? You can go through the entire day going at a normal pace but then once it gets to be 9-11 at night you go full force energy? Maybe it is just me tonight, I have NO idea what is up with me but I took a hot bath.. and then started cleaning the apartment. Rick didnt complain that is for sure but still it is weird that I just got up and started cleaning. It is what it is! I will go to bed soon and listen to music as I go to sleep.... I listen to the weirdest music to get me to fall asleep.. its a mixture of Gary Jules "Mad World" to Muse, Lady GaGa, Justin Timberlake, Rihanna... and classical. Oh wait, throw Slipknot in there too. Why do I listen to the weirdest mix of music to fall asleep to I dont know, but it works!<br /><br />I've been trolling the nerdy cell phone websites and have found two different phone possibilities that T-Mobile will be getting. Once is a Garmin phone (which I would buy!) and the.. dun dun dun.. IPHONE! Oh and the Mytouch 2 (has a keyboard.. think G1). Finally. Everyone is tight lipped about new phones coming out but I have crossed referenced three different web sites that have been right on when we launched the G1, Mytouch, HD2, Sidekick 09 LX... and the netbook. We will see! It could make summer at work a little more crazy than normal!<br /><br />I am on day 6. Its a big deal, a big step and I think the worst is over. Thank God. I cant in any way afford another set back, I really cant. I cant financially, emotionally and physically. It is like torture and no one that I personally know understands where I am coming from when I tell them how I feel. Oh well. 6 Days.<br /><br />Alright... well thats all for now. Its past 1:30am so I should go to bed especially since we have to wake up in 8.5 hours.<br /><br />Night.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-35853215663222435132010-04-12T12:27:00.000-07:002010-04-12T12:53:54.657-07:00A Day/Life Consumed By Anxiety<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;">Frustration consumes me and me being aware of this frustration is overwhelming. There is so much going on right now and I need to change things and I am in the process but I am seriously overwhelmed to the point of multiple anxiety attacks a day. Part of me as I write this can feel my chest tightening up, my breathing patterns and respirations increasing.. and I have to make a mental note that just because I am writing about it doesnt need to mean that I am having an attack. It is weird having this connection with your body. It doesnt work all the time, trust me I have tried, but I keep telling myself that I am not having a heart attack, that I am okay and the panic will pass within a few minutes. I just hate feeling the way I do.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">I have rid myself of the medication I was on but my body is still searching for it and my body just started dealing with being without the medication and I have been throwing up, shaking, headaches killing me.. and me staying home and/or coming home from work. I feel like a huge failure. Being a failure is my biggest fear, and whammy.. it is here. I have to face that I am and have hit the lowest low and I can only build myself up. I have let Rick down. He feels like he needs to work more to compensate the fact that I am not working the way I should be and it is hard for me to explain to him how I feel and what exactly is going on with my body. Does anyone ever feel this way? Whether it has to do with a medical condition or just life in general? Maybe it is just me and my way of seeing life in front of me. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">What else is frustrating me is the fact that I am seeing all these young girls around me (much younger than me) with children and I have the possibility of not being able to conceive. I have to tell myself that Rick and I might not naturally be able to have children. Fuck. It is remarkable when you have that notion in your head, especially when you feel that is what you were born to do and that it is God's wish for you to have a child. I know that I was born to be a mother, I just hope to one day be able to experience that. Alot is in my hands though, I need to drop some more weight, which I can do for sure.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">All I can seem to focus on right now is negative which in essence is good because I can work on getting better but really a lot depends on my body getting medicine completely out of my system.. and me having a positive outlook on life. Easier said than done though that is for sure. One time I asked on Twitter.. "Who's going to catch me when I fall?" and my friend Zell told me that God would. This is the time that I need him for support because I am not really feeling much support from others. I am from certain friends and Rick, but not as much as I would from my family but I cant be upset because I havent been in much contact with them. I hate looking like a disappointment and I know that is what they see when they look at me so that is why I pull away. Oh well. This hopefully will change but I need to start on myself first.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">Please God give me strength, things are going to get harder before they get easier but these changes need to happen for me to be a better and more balanced person. Please give me the determination and will to go on and give me the love and support from others when I feel as though I have no where else to turn.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">~Jill</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-26911602121343864122010-04-11T17:53:00.000-07:002010-04-11T17:55:05.283-07:00Bridal Shower Online ScrapbookTake a look!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d5459774e7a51774f44633d0d0a&blogview=true">http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4d5459774e7a51774f44633d0d0a&blogview=true</a>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-13222013942983625512010-04-06T21:03:00.000-07:002010-04-06T21:29:12.927-07:00Ranting Basically<span style="color:#663366;">I am going crazy. I am scrapbooking like I am a middle aged mother. It is obsessive. Why do I let myself become obsessive in these ways I am not really sure of, but when I find something that I love to do I do it and basically will do it until I hate it. It reminds me of when I started cross stitching a baby blanket and tossed it aside when I decided the constant migraines werent worth the frustration of trying to do multiple small squares. Ahhh... I swear ADHD and I are friends and I have it. I get so fixated on one thing then I just go off on another thing. So many of my friends --- and these are close friends mind you ask me if I have ever been tested. They are like you can go on and on about one thing and then boom out of no where you start with something else. I dont know or think I have ADHD.. I just think that my mind is at a constant run and it is running faster than my mouth can go (imagine that!).</span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">The world has been flipped a bit since I last wrote. It is a pattern of my life. Things level out a bit and then boom, something else happens. I wouldnt mind writing and telling people that hey, shit is getting boring and its the same thing day in and day out, but it isnt the case. Bummer. I had two teeth pulled and that sucked. It literally has fucked up my mouth to the point where when I eat I bleed and I have to make sure I chew really slowly. I had these teeth pulled over a week ago and it still hurts. They said things will be sore for awhile but really? No wonder my stomach has been off, all the blood from my mouth going into the stomach.. not to mention that the taste of blood is what triggered me passing out months ago. Seriously? I - NEED - A - BREAK!!!! </span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">Things have been frustrating in certain parts of life. I feel like a failure. I havent finished college... I am not always there for my parents and am not being the daughter I feel they want... and Im not the perfect wife. I am trying to focus and fix what I am doing wrong to be a better person for everyone, especially myself. One day at a time, that is all I can do and try to work on. I cant plan for next week or even tomorrow... just focus on today. I sound like a fortune cookie. Sick. </span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">You know what show is boggling my mind STILL even after it being almost 3 hours since I watched it? LOST. Literally... I think that is what they want you to feel when you watch that show. I punched Rick twice while watching it tonight because of my amount of sheer lost-ness. They are trying to pull everything in and end it all in 5 episodes and I find myself needing to take notes to get one episode to the next. AHHHHH. I did indeed take excedrin before I watched that because I use my mind way too much trying to figure out what the hell is going on.</span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">Alright, I am done.. I think I might scrapbook more. I still have a ton more wedding photos to use but I dont know if I have the ambition. I feel like watching a scary movie. Well, no movies really scare me, but a horror movie to be more precise. Who knows, I might fall asleep early. Okay, that is a lie but I tried.</span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">I might write later... if I do I do.. if I dont I dont.</span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">Until then..</span><br /><span style="color:#663366;"></span><br /><span style="color:#663366;">~J</span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-73185477009094239092010-03-20T23:43:00.001-07:002010-03-21T00:36:18.855-07:00Happy St. Pattys Day!.. Happy Birthday Hayden!<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/S6XMWjlB_vI/AAAAAAAAACs/H4loYJxGkfs/s1600-h/100_1564.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5450987611881602802" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/S6XMWjlB_vI/AAAAAAAAACs/H4loYJxGkfs/s320/100_1564.JPG" /></a><br /><div align="center">Sometimes you feel like you make the right decisions, but at the end of the day you look back and they simply werent right. They cant be changed, altered, removed from your memory or past but they happened. I think it is one of those hindsight is 20/20 thing but I keep on telling myself each event that has happened has taught me a lesson. Sometimes when its like 3am... I start thinking and I hate getting all philosophical.. but I think of feelings that relate to tangible things in my life.. and I can look around and see that my decisions have built this life I have around me and I am blessed and I cant regret where I am right now.<br /><br />Becoming an aunt was the most amazing feeling ever. Holding Hayden Joseph Lockhart was the most natural high I have experienced in years I swear. I of course dont put it in the same category of marrying my high school sweetheart.. but damn, it was right up there. I want a child so ... so bad. Rick and I will be amazing parents, him and I both know it. We know it is more than picking out baby names and little things but we have talked about how we want to raise our children, what we want them involved in... things like that. I want to be a mother and right now just the thought of it makes me smile. Holding my new nephew made me smile ear to ear and I wouldnt have given it up for the world. I want to be the aunt that goes to tball games.. and is there for everything if I am allowed to be! I am not saying that we are actively trying because I personally have things I need to finish up and get stable before we try.. but I think that when the time is right we both will be ready.<br /><br />On a complete sidenote... New Moon came out today and I watched it.. and loved it!<br /><br />Alright.. I am going to work on a scrapbooking page, finish this movie.. and get some sleep.<br /><br />***One Week***<br /><br />~~~Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you~~~</div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-71200556324723388992010-03-16T09:28:00.000-07:002010-03-16T10:04:00.929-07:00Risk Everything<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/S5-57n8NdnI/AAAAAAAAACk/ucq3Vyc18jg/s1600-h/100_1562.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5449278508126533234" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/S5-57n8NdnI/AAAAAAAAACk/ucq3Vyc18jg/s320/100_1562.JPG" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/S5-5o23JGYI/AAAAAAAAACc/Go5Af3L6MX0/s1600-h/100_1561.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5449278185714293122" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/S5-5o23JGYI/AAAAAAAAACc/Go5Af3L6MX0/s320/100_1561.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div>So once again... my life had a bump. Why do I feel sometimes as though I am the only one I know experiencing these things? Makes me feel abnormal, you know? Oh well. The past 5 days have been horrible, but in the long run.... in the bigger picture I know this is what I need to do.. and hearing Rick say to do it for our future children.. gave me chills and made me believe and strive to go to where I need to go and be. That is the one thing I know I was born to do.. I was born to be a mother, that is God's will for me, at least in my world it is. I want Rick and I to have baby Tatarcyks running around.. it will make our zoo of a home more full of joy. Eventually in time this will come, we have to get ourselves settled first.<br /><br />Saturday, 3/13/2010 - Day One. This may not make sense to some of you but to those who it does... and to me this date is doing to be crucial. I am going to celebrate every week until I hit one month, then every month after. This is a process and Im glad that you who are in my group of support are there for me, makes me feel extremely blessed.<br /><br />The worst part is over even though last night I was sick yet again, this part needs to change asap in my world. I hate feeling as sick as I did, poor Rick had to see me like that last night. It certainly wasnt my worst day/night but still wasnt great nevertheless. I think... and I say think cautiously that I am going to take as much soda out of my life as possible. Mind you, I say this as I am drinking one right now, but I think I need to take some out of my body. Baby steps... baby steps...<br /><br />Im out of work for the week.. I have appointments and meetings to go to.. and it is a bit overwhelming but necessary. I keep telling myself and reassuring myself that all of these steps are needed. Sometimes its amazing to see the amount of people around you give you support.. which is amazing, and they are people you would never even guess that would do so. Makes me just believe someone is watching over me.<br /><br />In other news, my wrists were redone! New chapter of life.. new tattoo additions to go with them. Interesting, I know.. but therapeutic in my world. I think "Jill's World" should be a place... man would people be confused/excited/lost/laughing hysterically/and happy all at the same time. Yeah kind of describes my life.<br /><br />Other than that.. my mantra is <strong>"Risk Everything"</strong> and will be. If I dont put things on the line will I ever get anywhere? Risk of sadness, vulnerability, being confused.. being happy.. everything. I am putting myself out there and seeing what happens. I think the year 2010 is going to be all about me. Time to put me first.<br /><br />Love to all... there are more of you, I just tagged the immediate ones that have been my backbone and will continue to be. Rick, you are my reason for waking up in the morning and living to be better and to everyone else... I would be in lost if you all were not there.<br /><br />~Jill</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-78564140367575263162010-02-15T20:40:00.000-08:002010-02-15T22:51:43.538-08:00Views<span style="font-size:85%;">Sometimes the ironic part of life is that no matter how much you try and put towards what you have in front of you, you end up dead in the end.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">That may be considered a pessimistic outlook on life but right now I am looking it as being a realist. There are things in life that I don't get and I am not afraid to admit that, I look at life and think... I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a sister in law... and that is great and everything but I still feel like I am such a work in progress. I think we all are works in progress -- always molding and changing into someone else and right now I feel like I have lost little parts of me on the way while on this road of life. I have a tight knit group of friends, I always have and always will but I am trying to expand and trust others which I have a hard time doing. As soon as I trust you though you have my entire trust but I am having a hard time realizing who is really wanting to be a friend with me or more of a work friend. I guess we all need those categories of friends... "real friends" .. "work friends" .. "hobby friends" .. ----Does that make sense those categories? I wish though I could just mesh all of my friend groups together. Why do I care is the real reason behind this all. Why do I keep searching for friendships? I think we all want friends, an abundance of them but at the end of the day I have my core friends and my amazing family and in laws and I need to stop grasping at friendships that might have been and realize that what I have in my life is a complete gift from God. --- All I can think about is how on Sunday at work I have a new team, know no one and am so nervous but I have my coach at work now saying I will be fine and that I am strong enough to branch out and with my old senior rep she says that people will like me. I'm nervous but I am getting excited, she says that my new team has huge personalities.. and I have a large one as well so this could be very interesting!</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">---------------</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Don't be scared when I say this but my mind is running. Death is not the worst thing that life has to offer, we cant make everyone or everything last forever... I know that is random... I am missing my Memere. I think she would understand where I am coming from, my confusion, my longing to fit in. Actually.. I bet my mom would know exactly how I feel. Maybe this weekend I will talk to her about it. Talking seems to help but to be honest, writing.. and putting a pen to paper is more therapeutic. Blogging helps but I keep a journal as well. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">So random but I haven't been able to cry for almost a month. The last time I cried was a few tears when I was saying my vows on November 28th and I have watched sad movies... talked to people dealing with horrible experiences with no crying.. and I just watched something on tv where a dog was put to sleep. I just looked over to Rick and was like, I haven't been able to cry and I cried over a dog being put to sleep and then he said something that made me completely re evaluate my state of mind -- "That was sad, crying is natural because that is real. That situation is real life, those movies aren't real, those tv shows are just shows. You cried over a real event." My husband might have just opened my eyes. He never ceases to surprise me.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I'm nervous again, Rick has surgery Wednesday. I am praying this is the last surgery for awhile because I want him to feel better and I want him to feel as normal and as healthy as possible. Each time he gets sick or goes into surgery I panic a little because when I see him on that stretcher getting ready for surgery and I think... "that's my husband, my life, my everything" and I have to put all my faith in his doctors and surgeons. They are and have been AMAZING. I am so incredibly thankful that my mom is letting us borrow her car to get to Boston but I am even more thankful that my brother is spending all the time with me while Rick has surgery. He will be there with me in the waiting room before Rick goes in, while Rick is in there and in post op. I have the best brother in the world and he is my bubba and he is going to be there when we drive back home and I might just crash at my parents house that night. I work the next day but I might be tired enough to sleep at my parents that night. Friday night is a night I am looking forward to, games and dinner with my parents and brother and Saturday time with Rick's family or better yet... driving to Boston to pick my husband up!! </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Alright, I need to just go breathe a bit. I need to start cherishing the little things and stop worrying about everything... I am such a planner that needs to see how things fit in the bigger picture that I tend to not love and take notice of the things right in front of me.</span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-29245244558482112302009-08-03T22:48:00.000-07:002009-08-03T22:50:43.999-07:00Insomnia<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;">It's been awhile and my medication that I had to start taking again and it is keeping me up so I figured I would get on here and update and post a blog. I'm going to just basically write it out in categories of my life just to highlight them.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"><strong>Work:</strong> Work is going well and I picked realignment shift so I am working Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday 12-11 as of Aug 23rd. I am staying with my same coach (this shift was my first choice) and to make it even better my zen person of my team, Tony, is following him and is staying on the team with me so I will have someone I know, like and respect to shoot the shit with there. That alone makes work better. I would have been fine if I didnt know anyone on the team because I am trying to advance career wise but having Tony makes the transition easier! Seeing the rest of the team split up is kind of bitter sweet but its okay.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"><strong>Health:</strong> I am alive but with that being said I am not feeling as well as I would hope. I had been feeling better but for the past week or so getting dizzy and unsteady has been something I have experienced each day. I am going to my primary doctor on Wednesday and then the neurologist the 14th and then the cardiologist at the start of September. On top of that... I have 6, yes 6 cavities and the dentist is going to be able to buy something pretty with the amount of cash I am paying him. Oh well, my teeth need to be in good condition and having that many cavities (and one root canal, fuck) isnt fun at all.<br /><br /><strong>Wedding:</strong> Things are crazy. I cant believe the wedding is getting so close! We have so much done but still so much to do. I honestly, and this is going to sound probably super stupid and cliche, but I am just ready to be married to Rick. I mean as of next month we will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary.. and it is something I really want. I am thrilled, excited, nervous and anxious for November 28th! Last night I started envisioning me walking down the aisle with my dad and I am laying in bed... and I can feel my heart start racing and it is like wow. just wow. It hit me. I am getting married and couldnt be happier.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;">This fall is going to be a wild ride.. I am going to be working full time, going to school full time and getting married. Am I crazy? Perhaps. Do I enjoy putting stress on myself? Perhaps. Would I change anything? Never.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;">Alright, I am going to do some yoga and try to get some sleep. Sleep hasnt come easy and hasnt been good quality so I need some!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#000099;">xoxo ~Jill</span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-41664715944851924452009-07-01T10:07:00.000-07:002009-07-01T10:08:31.782-07:00Do you think that ppl w/ the last name Cullen are popular now?For Twilight being classified as a "lower budget" movie.. their wardrobe budget couldnt be THAT tight.. Rosalie has some killer Gucci and Prada shoes. Man.. gorgeousness. I am super jealous and super not rich. Go figure. I think they should give girls with expensive taste the money to go along with it. Just my thoughts on that one!<br /><br />I know it has been forever since I last blogged, my sincerest apologies, but things have been busy. Number one priority right now has been keeping things going and tieing up some loose ends wedding wise when it comes to vendors. Just have the dj left... things on that are looking good. The invitations came in! I have been playing around on how to put everything together before they go in the envelope. Good thing I have a couple of months to experiment more and figure out what I really like. Also bought the ribbon and such to finish off the pew bows, now I need to find a yard stick.. and finish those... and box them away. I have all these little projects that need to be completed. Its hard to imagine that in 5 months I will no longer have my last name, and I will be married. It is a very difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around I wont even lie there but I am excited I can say that. Not for just a wedding, even though it is very long in the making, but for everything after. Its time to officially start our lives together even though we have been together 7 years. Getting married after 7 years dating.. hmm good luck? I am going to say yes and go with it!!<br /><br />Work is going well, busy but well. Changes make that job wicked interesting because one second you have something down pat and then 2 days later a policy could have changed and boom you need to go re evaluate everything in a conversation. It could kill you score wise but it keeps you on your toes to look at things. I am excited to get the mytouch training, its our new 3G phone... (the G2 essentially for all you tech savvy Tmob ppl) and seeing it kind of makes me want it. After the wedding!!! I actually am in love love love with the new sidekick in orchid. Maybe I will ask for it for Christmas! 6 months until Christmas people :) 7 months until my birthday... 2 months until Rick and my 7 year anniversary... 4 1/2 months until the wedding. Wow. I need to take a breath!!<br /><br />Sleep lately has been very difficult. I have had to fall asleep listening to music for the past month and I am blessed to get 7 hours of sleep. Its enough yes, but there have been days I sleep my normal 7 hours and take two 2 hour long naps. I know my body is saying sleep more, but I just cant. It is extremely frustrating. I feel cranky. Glad that Rick though is supportive and just tells me to rest. Twitter frustrates me too!! You cant twit about ANYTHING political and not expect a backlash. I love the site but deleted a bunch of stooges who got upset with me because I simply might have said I didnt care about Iran because.. I dont like politics. I care about things yes, but I stay away from politics. Yep, not my thing. This past weekend when Rick, Jen and Josh went to my parents to help plant in the garden the guys got into a politcal conversation with my dad and poor Jennifer and I. Ah we should have received something Coach for enduring that.<br /><br />Jasper Hale in Twilight, not so bad either. Sorry watching Twilight and got sidetracked. OH and another thing on my list, Nov 20th, New Moon!!! Good stuff is a comin!With this being said.. the wedding... I wish my Grampy and Memere were still alive. They will be there in spirit but it still hurts my heart. I am going to find ways to make them part of my day whether it be me eating a donut before the ceremony for Grampy to be getting my first rosary given to me by my Memere in my bouquet... it will work out. There will be some sort of memorial for them and for Rick's Grampa who passed a little over a year ago.<br /><br />Alright well I am going to go play some stupid addicting games haha.<br /><br />Simple thanks to my family.. Mom, Dad, Joel, Rick, Jen, Josh, Matt, Amy and Jim. You guys have gotten me through the past month and without you all I would be desperately lost.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-50501350672877757872009-06-12T20:24:00.001-07:002009-06-12T20:48:37.306-07:00I want to be a baker! ... maybe not.<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">This past week or so has been crazy, full of uncertainty, fear, frustration and excitement all rolled into five dysfunctional days.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">Monday I was admitted into the hospital for a seizure study where I had 26 electrodes stuck onto my head and forehead.. and then I was sentenced to bed rest where I was constantly being video taped and recorded by microphone just in case something were to happen, they were able to see/hear what was going on. Needless to say after much stimulation, no seizure happened, however... cardiac wise I had some issues and was put on a heart monitor, and had a CT scan w/ contrast, dopplar ultrasound of both of my legs to make sure there were no clots, and then blood drawn from both arms and hands and then a blood gas reading in my wrist. I wanted to freak out and I did. I cried and that sucks but I was in the hospital so I really didnt care. On Tuesday my mom dropped in and gave me a really pretty card and a frog windchime and then Amy and Jim dropped by and brought me flowers, lasagne, 3 magazines, candy and coke! haha :) It was nice to see people. Then on Wednesday my dad dropped by unexpectantly which was really great and then of course Thursday I was released. However, when the electrodes were removed from my head I started bleeding and the ones that were on my head you could see the burns and the blisters.. and literally my forehead is purple and extremely bumpy. It looks disgusting. I hope it goes away soon</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">So Rick and I ordered the wedding invitations, picked out all the wording, the font and all that jazz... and we scheduled a time to meet with our cake lady and are working to find a time to meet with our photographer! I am really excited. Things are starting to really come together. I am going to work on finishing up pew bows soon because I want to get them done with.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">Work is going alright. I was out all week and can go back on Monday but I am doing alright with my realignment statistics and I am hoping come August I can get a better shift, at least one that ends around 8 or 9 at least. Working until 11 has been really messing up my sleep cycle and stuff like that.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">Hm.. what do to now? Well.. maybe watch a movie.. do some yoga because I need to stretch out and yeah.. work on some wedding program stuff because my lovely amazing brother is going to help me out!!! Thank you Bubba!!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">Oh and... </span><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;color:#006600;"><strong>HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTY JOHN SNELL!!!</strong></span></div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:130%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">Until next time</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">xoxo</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;">-Jill</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;color:#336666;"></span><br /><span style="color:#000000;"><strong><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;">*oh and bitches, follow me on Twitter - </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;"><a href="http://www.twitter.com/JillSara">http://www.twitter.com/JillSara</a></span></strong></span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-32348880364512956252009-06-08T00:32:00.000-07:002009-06-08T00:33:16.824-07:00You're my only reason for staying alive...if that's what I am - New Moon<br />*cant WAIT for that movie!!! fyi*<br /><br />So in 4.5 hours I get admitted into the hospital until Thursday afternoon and Im not happy at all about this, I am actually dreading it in every aspect. Some people are like hey its a vacation, you are out of work, but I would rather be there.. working.. earning money.. doing my part. I need to do better at work.. I need to make money to pay for this wedding and this week being out is really hurting Rick and I financially. Its enough to get me down but the only light at the end of the tunnel is my neurologist finding out what is really wrong with me so we can fix it. That would be the silver lining in all of this, a simple answer. With that being said... I will have no tv or computer and will most likely be going crazy so if you have one of my numbers shoot me a text or something. Trust me, I will be in the mood to talk!<br /><br />Im excited about the wedding stuff though, we bought our wedding invitations! Soooooooo happy! Rick and I need to sit down, finalize the wording, the font, the RSVP date all that stuff. Hey everyone.. what should the RSVP date be if the wedding is a holiday weekend (the Saturday after Thanksgiving) ?? Any input and advice would be most appreciated.<br />Rick surprised me. Yay. I wanted Russell Brand's book... called "Booky Wook" and Rick kept on making fun of me because it was shit etc and I just wanted it so bad because in the hospital I cant have anything plugged in in my room because of the electrical interference (tv, computer etc) and that book would keep me busy. I begged for it but after Saturday passed and we came home and partied with most of our wedding party minus Danielle, Joel and Luc (which fucking rocked, I love you all and it was much needed!!!) we didnt buy the book. I didnt think too much about it, just a book but tonight when I got home and went to check something in the bag of things I am bringing with me.. there it was.. the Booky Wook! <3 YAY! I can just imagine Rick and Matt going into Barnes and Noble buying a Russell Brand book.. and its hot pink and black. You guys always go and do weird stuff together like that time you guys went to go find that chair and went to all these furnature stores. haha. You guys would be cute together if you werent related.<br /><br />Rick is husband material, even though he got Hitler as his answer to the quiz about which crazy ass fucker from the past would you be. I love you so much. <3<br /><br />During game night I won at phase 10 even though I semi cheated off of Alicia's cards and I seriously kept on beating Matt, Erica, Amy, Jim and Ben at Buzz to the point where Matt threatened to leave our wedding party! Oh Matthew John. Such a brat!! Thank you all for coming over though.. I really needed it.. I was really down about going into the hospital and even though I am still nervous and sad as all hell, that little break really did help. Special thanks to Josh for some interesting pictures... and poor Jen for being so tired :( damn graduate school!!!<br /><br />Alright.. so Tminus 4 hours until I get admitted.. 3 hours until Rick wakes up. I might try to sleep for an hour or so.. but I figure I will do some sleeping once I get there. Off to finish up packing.. finish this movie.. and then.. a nap.<br /><br />xoxo<br />~JillJillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-47738648135202909052009-05-28T21:08:00.000-07:002009-05-28T21:29:35.808-07:00Update time.<span style="color:#006600;">It has been almost a few weeks since I blogged.. and let me tell you things havent really been boring there has been lots going on so I think I am just going to break things into categories.<br /><br />Wedding: Things are certainly coming along! Rick and I are weeks out from ordering our invitations which is really exciting. We found the perfect ones and I couldn't be happier. I have all the bubbles decorated, the decor that will go around the unity candles, I have the pew bows started (phase 1 of 4 done), we have most all decor, my gown of course (which is big now!), and we pretty much have our wedding ceremony with all the readings picked out. We planned on going to this marriage prep course in June but with everything going on around my health (read below) I think we are going to have to take the class offered in November. Oh well, we do what we need to do.<br /><br />Health: My health is up in the air. The doctors are still trying to figure out why I am collapsing and passing out and my neurologist is admitting me into the hospital for a week starting June 8th. I am not excited. Some people are like, thats awesome you miss a week of work but I am literally scared. I dont want to have 26 electrodes glued to my head. I cant have a tv in my room or have anything plugged in because it messes up with the transmissions. Basically I can read, bring a laptop (too bad this one doesnt hold a fucking charge) my mp3 player.. and Im trying to see what and how I can charge my mini dvd player so I can watch movies or something. Those 4 days are going to be hell. I cant leave my bed. Ugh. I hope they figure out whats wrong with me so I can get shit figured out.<br /><br />Work: I am getting better at work which is a miracle. I always take critique well, I dont push back I just embrace it and try to make it work for me and because of that in the past month I have lowered my call times, I have improved my quality.. I am really happy with where I am. My goal is to just become a better rep because in all honesty, I would like to be off the phones in Learning and Development helping with training and advancement in the company. We shall see. I dont know. It really is something I would want, I think I am getting better with the systems but I want to get off the phones. I gave myself a year and a half as a goal.. and I am 6 months in and I am seeing improvement so that is all that matters.<br /><br />Friends/Family: Today, well technically yesterday was my parents 26th wedding anniversary so Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! Love you Both. Joels working and living in Portland.. working his ass off. We talk here and there while hes working but besides that, our schedules kind of conflict. I hope I see him soon! Friend wise things on that front are going well. I have amazing ones that I havent seen in awhile, sorry guys :( But soon we all need to go out. I do though know I have lost a friend or seriously hurt a friendship, which is hard and I have apologized to her many times but I guess we will see if time heals that wound. I hope it does, our friendship would be 21 years old next year. Who knows if it will get to that. Its just sad. I hate that feeling, of seeing someone you care about fall away from your life, it breaks my heart to be honest with you but you never know what will come of all this. Maybe things will get better? I sure hope they do.<br /><br />And thats all for right now.<br /><br />If I come up with something more... I will update again! Maybe I will be in that sort of mood tonight, who knows.</span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-38853243882874643892009-05-15T23:26:00.000-07:002009-05-15T23:35:03.722-07:00The past always resurfaces<div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;color:#660000;">This new medicine is driving me crazy. I get moments where I am super down and sad... and then I go back to right where I usually feel, an upbeat happy chipper girl. It is frustrating and sad at the same time. I didnt honestly realize I was going through this but Rick told me I was having a "Bi-Polar" moment when I posted a song lyric from Linkin Park on my facebook. Said it was a cry for attention and to be honest, it wasnt a cry for attention, it was just how I felt at that time. I wont make excuses for my feelings, I wont because I dont pretend to be something Im not but I was told this medication I am using to help with the epilepsy could make *old* feelings and symptoms of my past resurface and I hope that this isnt the case. I kind of want to make people tell me if they notice something .. like a change in my personality.. you know? I shared one of my blogs that not everyone can see to Mia.. to let her know where I come from.. what I have gone through.. and its ... well my past is simply that. It is the past and I am what I am.. I have done what I have done and I cant go and undo that. Even though it is an amazing though that poof... 2 years ago I could have undone all this... but really what would life be like? I certainly know I wouldnt be the person I am today and to be honest with you... I really am starting to like the person I am. Each day is a new opportunity to better yourself and I completely believe that and tomorrow is a another day.</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;color:#660000;"></span> </div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;color:#660000;">All my love to all of those who have held me up when I havent had the strength to do it myself.</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;color:#660000;"></span> </div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;color:#660000;">~J</span></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-72580536843488793022009-05-14T22:22:00.000-07:002009-05-14T22:33:41.788-07:00Metal means... fuck.<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/Sgz8fbVTqHI/AAAAAAAAABs/H95GKPTx7Gk/s1600-h/111.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335917275370465394" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Lr6znSoRCyM/Sgz8fbVTqHI/AAAAAAAAABs/H95GKPTx7Gk/s320/111.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div align="center">This kid here... means the <strong>world</strong> to me... </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">I am so terrified, I won't lie at all. I don't really like crying about it or showing how scared I am but this passing out/collapsing/blacking out deal needs to stop. The neurologist started me on a medication for epilepsy and I keep on passing out. I smell metal usually right before/after it happens. Weird I know. It is a nice heads up though that I am going to fall down. Emotionally though... I am already down and trying to get back up. I got a call today to get another CT scan and some bloodwork done so I did all of that before work and ugh, I am so completely frustrated. I will be waiting for a call tomorrow with results and hope they call, if they dont.. man I will be pissed.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Alright well... I am going to watch a movie.. and wow.. whats is up with the season finales of shows? Lost fucked my mind up, The office was great with Pam being pregnant! and Greys.. well... was horribly sad and I cried. Whatever. Rick makes fun of me sometimes just because they arent real people etc but Danielle TOTALLY understands where I come from!</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">I love Forgetting Sarah Marshall.. maybe it is just because of Russell Brand. Hmmm...</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"><br /> </div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7870903.post-77154395940956678222009-05-12T00:03:00.000-07:002009-05-12T00:09:07.591-07:00Biggest Day<div align="center"><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;"><em>You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there's not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days...</em></span></div><br /><div align="center"><span style="color:#336666;">This... just resonates with me. Not sure why right now. It just does.... I am hoping the biggest day of my life will be coming in November... I deserve it... I sometimes though feel as though I am hitting a wall. I want to make everyone happy and at the end of the day I tend to forget about those closest. Sometimes I question if my quirky way of life can be overlooked and I can be accepted for who I am, clutter... and craziness included.</span></div><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-size:78%;">*my stomach hurts. this new medicine makes me sick every night. I need this to pass. Right now I feel like its going to come back up.*</span></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13518134064821926393noreply@blogger.com0