My life, the swine flu, and gay marriage, oh my!

So as you all know... and have heard on every radio station and tv channel this soon to be "pandemic" of the swine flu is speading. Over 9 countries now.. and it has entered Maine, Kennebec county... and the confirmed case was just released. It was in the same hospital I was just in.. the one where I just spent 24+ hours in isolation where people had to come to me in gloves/gowns. They said that because of my past history with infections but it made me wonder, are those people who have the swine flu ... do they feel like that.. like they are a victim of the world, a "goblin," a disgrace so to speak where people can only enter a room with gloves/gowns/masks on and can never feel another person's touch? As someone on facebook said.. this will be the start of things.. and it relates to a reading in Genesis.. and I just think to myself, what is happening? Is it this years version of the bird flu? Perhaps, but why does it seem to be effecting so many more people and why of all people did a child have to die because of it? Hunger, Aids, and other diseases kill people -- whether man, woman or child each day but still, it is sad to see a child fall first victim to this virus. So me being the scared one I am, I wonder.. what the hell was I exposed to? The swine flu while I was there? The fucking crazy swine flu? Every room was under procautions above and beyond standard... I guess I just didnt think of it that way that something was up. I woke up this morning, was sick and had a 101.2 fever before I even knew where the Kennebec county case was confirmed and once I heard that all I could think of was Rick, and how bad his immune system is. The regular flu could kill him let alone something like this. I started crying right there. I took some medications.. a cocktail I wont get into... but the fever is down, my stomach is empty but not hungry.. just very queasy. It will pass... they always say it will. Mind over matter, mind over matter... I figure if I use it as a mantra it will work.

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So Maine did something monumental today and I dont care honestly if you agree with me or not, but same sex marriages and legal rights were brought into legislation! I am thrilled!! It is a huge step, not sure how much farther it will get but getting this far is such a large step in the RIGHT direction. Let me explain one thing. I am Catholic and dont question my beliefs, save yourself the time because all you will end up doing is pissing me off. Step back and dont throw the Bible into my face either. I myself personally believe that everyone was given the right to live and they should be given the same rights when it comes to who they want to love and be with. Does that make me something horrible? A bad Catholic? Perhaps but at the end of the day, I dont care. I want everyone to be happy... like I have said before and I will constantly back... love is hard enough to find and if you find it, hold onto it and never let go. On my personal judgement day will this be the deciding fact on whether or not I get into Heaven? If it is... then I'm sorry to say, maybe it's a place I don't want to go. Why can't people just let everyone live in equality? And why cant those who disagree keep out of it. My brothers best friend is gay and guess what, I love him as if he were blood and him to me, and if me loving him makes me a bad person because of his sexual preference.. then what of me? I can honestly say, I dont care.

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I took today off from work... the doctor originally wanted me to take next week off entirely until I had my neurology appointment but I got her to give me the okay to go back Sunday which is a blessing. We really need the money for the wedding. I mean, Rick and I are doing well, we just need to get everything saved up. I am excited, scared, nervous. In sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live... those are serious vows and if I am making that pledge in front of everyone, our family and friends and God, I want everything to be perfect. The planning is going well though and we are etching away at our ceremony and the readings. I am thrilled to be getting married in my childhood church, St. Augustines. My Memere would be so proud and there will be her rosary...at the base of my bouquet. Im not walking down that aisle without her. Just got teary. I miss her and need to bring flowers to her grave, along with my brother Adam's. I tend to them at least once a month when the weather is nice and its time. Maybe this weekend. I need to talk to her too and I do it best while there.So this is a huge blog but it is what it is. I just want to thank those who kept me company via AIM and text while I was waiting in the emergency room and while I was in my hospital room, alone and scared. And thanks of course to you all who have said prayers and have sent warm wishes, you keep me going. ♥

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it"

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~Jill Sara~

not deserved

Its hard to be an optimist while I lay here in a hospital bed. Im alone... dizzy... and not happy. Admitting to yourself you aren't happy isn't easy but I just overcame that.Why does this shit happen to me? I was over this health bump and fine.. Now its back and its my heart and brain. Double whammy. Things will get better so I am told but I write this in a hospital bed alone and wondering... why me?


**original post 4/29 via sidekick in the emergency room waiting to get admitted**

kind of...

a crazy few weeks. First off, if you all know me and have been reading my stuff you know I am actively planning a wedding and... have 4 bridesmaids. Well Courtney is no longer in the party and my friend Erica is taking over her position which is wonderful because no questions asked she said she would do it, that we were like family, and it was a very warm and welcoming feeling. Releasing someone from your wedding party because of lack of communication and asking someone else to take their place without any warning is scary and Erica didnt even flinch. Thank you Erica, it means alot to not just me, but Rick as well.

Work, is work, just that. I have nothing really much to say, working on getting better and thats pretty much it. Getting closer to people in my team which I know my coach is completely pushing for so it is what it is. Wedding stuff is going fantastic, oh yeah and Erica bought her dress this weekend which means ALL my girls have their gowns now. I couldnt be more excited. I am very blessed with kick ass friends. I can only imagine the sort of bachelorette party in store because.. I have a feeling serious alcohol may be involved and Erica can peer pressure Jen hahaha and Amy and I together, well yeah stuff just happens, I mean I got Amy to get a drink at lunch Friday. Oh and speaking of Friday I went out with Amy and we went to lunch and a movie, which was much needed. So much has been going on with me health wise.. and everything.. I just needed a moment to get out and be with my best friend. It was just what I needed. Jim, Amy's boyfriend says I can hang out with her 6 times then get one free, and that we need a punchcard system going on. What a fucking fruit. I dont know about Jim haha. I was looking at wedding bands and I think I MIGHT have found the perfect combo of what I want. We shall see, there is time!!!!

Other than that Rick and I have just been spending as much time together as we can, we have hung out with Jen and Josh a few nights in a row and have been just keeping to ourselves for the most part. Alot is going on.. sort of. Haha. Yeah, that didnt exactly make sense but neither do I.Alright so other than the bridesmaid run around that I am THANKFUL is over (too much drama) things have been pretty laid back, which is what I like. And yep, that is about it. I should get to sleep soon but I'm not really tired yet. Its still pretty warm in the apartment. It got over 80 degrees today and being on the 3rd floor the heat just rises. I know by 9am the bedroom is going to be so fucking hot. I am not excited. I wish we would have brought the fan up. Oh well.

Jill~

*I am watching Twilight! mmmmmm and I bought new fishies!!! 4 of them, 2 guppies, one Edward and Bella.. the 2 neon tetras Alice and Jasper. Shut up! <3

I have a concussion from..

....being hit in the head from so many nerf darts at work!! Between Mia and Lance I was hit a handful of times and I snorted two times on the phones with a customer and almost fell out of my chair.--good day, yep, good day AND Rick had dinner ready for me at 11:30, what a wonderful way to end the night. Who the hell would have thought that me going to work has been the best complete distraction from what is going on in my life? I laughed so much tonight, I did a good job metric wise, not great, but good and right now honestly, good sits with me very well. I have made good friends there, the ones I have in my group from training of which I hold great loyalty to but even more surprising, a new girl that I have seemed to just click with. Me finding another girl I actually like and get along with without feeling like it is a competition.. it's nice and a very weird change of pace. Most people know I tend to not click with girls well, or hold the most girl friends. I can count my good female friends on one hand that I can completely trust and I am finding that I have someone at work to trust. Its good, surprisingly good. I invited her to our wedding so it is a good thing.Work isnt always the best everyday, but it is nice to have a job. Today I talked to a handful of people who have no job and are in jeopardy of losing their homes and stuff and its just like... thank God I have a place to live.. and the liberty and luck to be where I am today. Despite the shit going on with me health wise I have been blessed. I am angry about things, but I still can feel and understand the good in my life.

I am still getting excited about wedding stuff!!! We have the guest list pretty pegged down which is always nice... and I am waiting for the stuff I just ordered to arrive! I ordered the cake cutter thing, the toasting flutes, personalized cake/bar napkins.. and some other things that I cant remember right now. I probably already blogged about it but I cant remember. I get excited about wedding stuff!!! We have our "budget" and what our costs are going to be and everything so we are saving up as much as possible. Plus 3 of my 4 amazingly lovely and gorgeous bridesmaids have ordered their dresses and they look so good next to mine and my moms, I cant wait. I am getting really excited. I need to get the engagement announcement out soon. My mom is itching for it to get out!

I cant stop watching The Office. Damn Dwight Schrute is the fucking funniest character ever created. I seriously dont understand how the writers come up with the shit he says but I have watched all the seasons and started watching it again and its just hilarious. Not to mention, his character reminds me of my future brother in law Josh. It is SO funny. I smile just thinking about it, the randomness. It is perfect. I think they must have met Josh somewhere in passing. It must have happened.

I saw the new posters for the twilight movie.. well New Moon and there is one with Rob Patz with no shirt on, and hello. hot man. Sorry just how I feel. I know Amy feels the same way!!! Cheryl and Rach know where I am coming from. Mmmm Alright well, Im wrapped in my electric blanket.. just watching tv.. maybe I will throw in a movie or something to chill our before bed. Tomorrow I work late, which sucks.. especially since I have all my brain tests Friday morning.. early. Im really scared but.. its okay. I guess feeling scared is a valid emotion.
Song of my day.. it was a bit of a rollercoaster but it really sums it up well. Perhaps the song of my week actually.

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Such a lonely day

And it's mine

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

Should be banned

It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

Shouldn't exist

It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day

And it's mine

The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,

I wanna go with you

And if you die,

I wanna die with you

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life

The most loneliest day of my life

The most loneliest day of my life

Life Such a lonely day

And it's mine

It's a day that I'm glad I survived

original post 4/9

Feel like a ticking time bomb

**original post 4/7**

Its 230 am and I should be asleep, safe in dreamland where I'm not scared or worried or anything of the above. I feel like my mind is just boggled down with so much shit that I cant even begin to concentrate on sleeping. I could take something to sleep, should have thought of that about 2 hours ago, fuck, what the hell. I SHOULD have done that but it would have made me groggy in the morning and I dont want to be sleepy for work. I am now wearing the heart monitor for a month.. so I think I have about 2 1/2 weeks left. I am seriously counting down the days. I HATE THIS THING! I had my follow up today and it sucked and I am pissed, and scared. Scared of what? Scared of what I might have... what I might not have and what else might have to happen to figure out what is going on with me. I had a neurological exam, a simple one done by my PA and I failed it, twice. My pupils are completely blown, they didnt respond to the light properly and the right side of my face... the strength isnt what it should be. She looked a bit worried and has scheduled me for a neuro consult, which I am completely fine with but now I have to have an EEG Friday, along with an MRI and then I have to have an MRA which looks at the vessels in my head to see if there are any weak spots etc. I am so nervous. I want them to find something for them to treat but am hoping they dont because I dont want something to be wrong... but I dont like things to be up in the air.. I hate uncertainty. Ugh. I want to punch a wall and scream. Yeah, that can't be healthy.Oh and dear Tmobile, dear oh dear Tmobile, since when is Easter not a holiday? It is the resurrection of our Lord and we are supposed to be sharing it at church and with our family, but no it is a work day. What the fuck. Literally. What the fuck! I am wanting an Easter Egg hunt at work. Mia and I are on it!And.. I am going to watch a couple of episodes of The Office and get lost in the story even though I have seen every episode in hopes of forgetting what might be going on. *News!* Rick and I have started to put together our wedding ceremony so I am thrilled, and yes mom, the engagement announcement is on it's way.This song.. I dont know.. just is sitting with me right now and I cant get it out of my head.
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Memories sharp as daggers.

Pierce into the flesh of today.

Suicide of love took away all that matters.

And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart.

With the venomous kiss you gave me,

I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)

With the warmth of your arms you saved me,

I'm killing loneliness, with you.

The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.

I'm killing loneliness.

Nailed to a cross together,

As solitude begs us to stay.

We disappear in the life forever,

And denounce the power of death over our souls as secret words are sent to start a war.

With the venomous kiss you gave me,

I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)

With the warmth of your arms you saved me,

I'm killing loneliness, with you.

The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.

I'm killing loneliness.

fat lips ARENT sexy

**original post 3/27**

Health, mine has been fine.. then boom.. reality hits. My heart wouldn't stop fluttering so my doctor told me to take double my beta blocker to help with the palpatations and so I did... and when I did... guess who passed out? Me. The doctor told me I HAD to go to the ER and when I got there I basically passed out and my blood pressure was 62/38.. wicked low, dangerously low to be frank with you. The started two IV's in me, which means two IV's too many and they pumped me full of fluids, vitamins and everything because my electrolytes and bloodwork came back a bit weird. Now the doctors are testing me for a seizure disorder. That makes me a bit scared but I need to do the testing they want me to do. I have an EEG scheduled for Tuesday and I am wearing a heart monitor 24/7 for an entire month. So sexy let me tell you. I have had great support and kindness shown by some people and I thank you all for your concern. I will keep you all updated.

Tomorrow Rick and I meet with Father Ralph to talk about possibly getting married at St. Augustines. Ahhh Insane. I have always wanted to get married there so I hope Rick can see how much I want this. I love that church and it will make me feel like my Memere will be there on that day, which means more that many people know. Random but our deposit for the reception and the dj is due tomorrow. Wow I really cant believe it. Shit is getting close and serious! I am super excited though. I can't wait to get the ball rolling. I need to meet up with the cake designer and our photographer.. and I think I am meeting with our photographer sometime next week to sign stuff. I have literally FANTASTIC vendors and am very happy. I hope Rick is happy too with everything I have done! I cant WAIT for him to see my gown either. I have been doing small craft projects here and there but we have lots done already. 2 of my 4 bridesmaids have purchased their gowns already, my mom has her dress and I think in my travels tomorrow I might stop at the tux shop to get some color ideas and whatnot. My man and his groomsmen need to look good! Alright and that is my update for now.. I feel like junk but am not tired yet. Oh well. I found this poem, I like it, dont know why but I do. Might as well end on that note.
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It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of Annabel Lee;And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me.I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea:But we loved with a love that was more than love-- I and my Annabel Lee;With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me.And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea,A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Annabel Lee;So that her highborn kinsman came And bore her away from me,To shut her up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea.The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying her and me--Yes!--that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.But our love it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we-- Of many far wiser than we--And neither the angels in heaven above, Nor the demons down under the sea,Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the sideOf my darling--my darling--my life and my bride, In her sepulchre there by the sea, In her tomb by the sounding sea.