Saturday, April 25, 2009

Feel like a ticking time bomb

**original post 4/7**
Its 230 am and I should be asleep, safe in dreamland where I'm not scared or worried or anything of the above. I feel like my mind is just boggled down with so much shit that I cant even begin to concentrate on sleeping. I could take something to sleep, should have thought of that about 2 hours ago, fuck, what the hell. I SHOULD have done that but it would have made me groggy in the morning and I dont want to be sleepy for work. I am now wearing the heart monitor for a month.. so I think I have about 2 1/2 weeks left. I am seriously counting down the days. I HATE THIS THING! I had my follow up today and it sucked and I am pissed, and scared. Scared of what? Scared of what I might have... what I might not have and what else might have to happen to figure out what is going on with me. I had a neurological exam, a simple one done by my PA and I failed it, twice. My pupils are completely blown, they didnt respond to the light properly and the right side of my face... the strength isnt what it should be. She looked a bit worried and has scheduled me for a neuro consult, which I am completely fine with but now I have to have an EEG Friday, along with an MRI and then I have to have an MRA which looks at the vessels in my head to see if there are any weak spots etc. I am so nervous. I want them to find something for them to treat but am hoping they dont because I dont want something to be wrong... but I dont like things to be up in the air.. I hate uncertainty. Ugh. I want to punch a wall and scream. Yeah, that can't be healthy.Oh and dear Tmobile, dear oh dear Tmobile, since when is Easter not a holiday? It is the resurrection of our Lord and we are supposed to be sharing it at church and with our family, but no it is a work day. What the fuck. Literally. What the fuck! I am wanting an Easter Egg hunt at work. Mia and I are on it!And.. I am going to watch a couple of episodes of The Office and get lost in the story even though I have seen every episode in hopes of forgetting what might be going on. *News!* Rick and I have started to put together our wedding ceremony so I am thrilled, and yes mom, the engagement announcement is on it's way.This song.. I dont know.. just is sitting with me right now and I cant get it out of my head.
-------------------------------------
Memories sharp as daggers.
Pierce into the flesh of today.
Suicide of love took away all that matters.
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart.
With the venomous kiss you gave me,
I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
I'm killing loneliness, with you.
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.
I'm killing loneliness.
Nailed to a cross together,
As solitude begs us to stay.
We disappear in the life forever,
And denounce the power of death over our souls as secret words are sent to start a war.
With the venomous kiss you gave me,
I'm killing loneliness, (killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
I'm killing loneliness, with you.
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb.
I'm killing loneliness.

No comments: