Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Sometimes I tell myself Im weak, and lately, its been often.

Its been about a year and a half since my memere passed away and I feel as though Im still not over it. People tell me that its normal and I should be moving on but I cant. I just cant. My Memere was the only grandparent Ive ever known, biologically speaking. My fathers mother died before I was born and his father wants nothing to do with our family. My mothers father died before I was born as well, so my Memere was the only grandparent Ive ever known. Its not just that but she lived behind my house for over ten years of my life, she was something extremely special to me and I know she was special to my family as well.

Today I got out of work at 3 and didnt have to be at class until 4 so I headed to the cemetary. I went and cleaned off my brothers grave, along with my memeres and peperes. About 2 months ago I found that Adams urn was missing, which made me furious! Grr. When I went today there were flowers there that my father had left and I took a bundle from my Memere's urn and placed it in the ground above Adam's headstone. I know she would understand, hes just a baby. While I was there I just talked to her...and I started to cry. It made me feel so weak but it was something that I couldnt control. Since shes passed away Ive shunned away from the church, where I was brought up... Ive just shyed away from everything that has to do with religion because I was.. and still am a bit angry. Why cant I get over this?? Grieving I thought didnt take years... but I guess only time will tell.

"Seen that ray of light
and it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
Took this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me "

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