Thursday, August 05, 2004

Rambling on...and on...

Two times in one day, must be something in the air I tell you.

I was just paying bills, ugh. Its hard to finally come to the realization that I am growing up and that bills are going to become part of my everyday life. It sucks, and I feel like I am constantly behind. I mean, I definitely have never paid anything late ever, but its just like, I wish my credit cards had a balance of zero and I had a checkbook with over $3000 dollars in it. Wishful thinking, I know. Joel got all the money saving genes or something, he has double what I do. Grr.

So my friend Amy is bummed she is in a triple for college, sorry love. Thats kind of one reason Im happy to be in an apartment, because all my stuff is everywhere and Im not confined into this 8x8 room you know? Part of me is wondering if Im missing the 'college experience' but I really dont want to find out. Does that make me weird? Eh. I dont know. I mean, I have made friends at work that are my age and live right near me, like Jenna, and I have made some friends through classes so I dont think that Im all that different than my friends. Im really happy though because finally my life in many ways is settling down. Im not moving anymore, I have a job and Im enrolled full time into college and I seem to be heading down the right path towards a career I look forward to.

So, my endocrinologist appointment is next week and Im nervous as all hell. I really wish that they could give me a definite yes/no answer about the PCOS thing going on in me. I would highly appreciate it just so I could start treatment and try to go on with my life. From what I have been reading in postboards and whatever, the medication to treat this is pretty bad when it comes to side effects so I am really dreading that part of it. If it can enable me to have children in the future, then, I am all for it. Part of me would feel horrible that if in the future I could not, you know, give that part of life to Rick because I know that he really wants it. People have been telling me that I am overreacting, which yeah, I might be but I am scared to death and I dont know what else to do. I mean, I DONT want children right now, no no no, but if it were to happen now, I dont think I would get an abortion or put it up for adoption. That just doesnt seem right to me. I dont know. Maybe Im nuts.

I've been thinking about Allen a lot lately. Ive been praying and hoping that all is well with him, especially where hes in the heart of this war. Its just really scary hearing that countless soldiers die everyday and he could be one of them. Ricks cousin Jeff is over there, and my cousin Becky is being deployed in early September. Oh, I wish this would end now and the world would be peaceful. Like that will ever happen. One can only hope.

Until next time

*Jill

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