Friday, January 16, 2009

Feel the rain on your skin, breathe in the air around you

Weird as this is right now, I am feeling strangely reflective and nostalgic. I don't quite understand the reason behind it but I feel as though I am not alone right now as I sit in the living room... it isn't a scary feeling, it is comforting. I am home. It might be my Memere, it might be my imagination at it's finest, but I am going to think it is my grandmother in the room.. watching a movie with me that we first watched together when I was a child, Jurassic Park. I remember her just going on about the movie.. stories.. the books she would read, oh Lord, the books she would get me hooked on and how we would compare buildings to T-Rex's and everything. I miss her deeply and on a level stronger than just a family member that has passed away. I swear that.. when she left this world in the human body form part of me left with her but in these moments like this it is like the empty hole in my body is no longer vacant, that part is complete and I can smile and feel the warmth of her love. She is comforting me, telling me that things are okay, maybe she is proud? Today I took a big step so feeling this way isn't hugely surprising even though I haven't felt her presence in over 6 months.

Rick and I made a step and joined our checking accounts. No big deal right? Okay... but it slapped me straight in the face with the reality that our lives legally are going to be intertwined together forever in less than 10 months and when she told us that once we got married all I needed to do was bring in the marriage certificate or my new drivers license and social security card with my new last name on it... I got cold. Shivers ran down my entire body and I felt awkward. Me, I felt awkward!! My life is going to change, I am going to be a wife. Holy fuck, a wife. My last name Stetson would be no longer.. and Tatarcyk would replace it. No one knows how much I have wanted to get married to Rick, no one could even begin to grasp how badly I have wanted this but to me, we are married and this is the legality portion of it. We have been together for over 6 years, endured things many couples would never have had to go through.. and we sit together side by side each night just lost in each other's craziness. The woman who opened our account today fell in love with us and our dynamic.. people say we are made for one another and I completely believe that but today was the first time I ever ever ever had a "cold feet" moment. The moment passed, it did, and I embraced it because I am growing up... life is changing and this is just the next step in a life I want to lead and was born to lead.

So with this all being said with a heavy heart and a light hand... things are starting to all fall into place, the way I think they were meant to happen... and this is when I thank my faith... because even though it isn't there physically like something you can touch or even smell, you have to have the ability to feel it inside you and believe that it is there guiding you along.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

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