late night ramblings

3am in the morning. Hello again.

I spent a huge chunk of time working on schoolwork. It’s frustrating, stressful but completely rewarding. I keep hoping that I receive some sort of heads up... a beacon of light so to speak that gives me the answer to the question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I still don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to be at T-Mobile forever. Maybe I can stick with T-Mobile but get off of the phones as much. I love talking and assisting, but there are certain aspects now that are just dreadful.
It’s been almost 4 months now that I have had to take something to sleep, whether it is Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, or an Ambien. I hate Ambien. It makes me sleep phenomenally but I don’t remember anything leading up to when I get into bed. I trust those around me so it isn’t like worrying about being harmed, but it is more on the level of losing control. I am a control freak, a hound so to speak. I like things to be done the way I anticipate them to be done and if things aren’t done like I am used to, it gets under my skin. Tangent aside, I don’t know the reason behind my complete lack of natural sleep. My circadian rhythm is messed up. I have always been a night owl and I do know that contributes to it, but before I was able to naturally get tired and now I have to become sleepy artificially. I’ve started taking melatonin and valerian root as I have heard it helps, Valerian root is helping with more anxiety than anything, and melatonin is alright. I can feel when I take melatonin as I can feel it messing me up a bit. It doesn’t give a euphoric feeling to anything like that, but I continuously yawn and stretch until I succumb to the sleep monster.

Visited with my dad a bit today, it was a small visit but nice. I’m working on trying to maintain my friendships with my friends and family. It seems near impossibly sometimes because Joel is in another city working, my mom works and is spending time with family and friends, and of course all friends have different work schedules or agendas. Phew. Everyone comes together when they need to, and I understand that fully so this isn’t a statement of resentment, rather one of observance.

Sidenote: Halle Berry in Gothika is surprisingly a successful role for her. She can pull of intelligent with a side order of crazy.