late night ramblings

3am in the morning. Hello again.

I spent a huge chunk of time working on schoolwork. It’s frustrating, stressful but completely rewarding. I keep hoping that I receive some sort of heads up... a beacon of light so to speak that gives me the answer to the question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I still don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to be at T-Mobile forever. Maybe I can stick with T-Mobile but get off of the phones as much. I love talking and assisting, but there are certain aspects now that are just dreadful.
It’s been almost 4 months now that I have had to take something to sleep, whether it is Tylenol PM, Advil PM, Excedrin PM, or an Ambien. I hate Ambien. It makes me sleep phenomenally but I don’t remember anything leading up to when I get into bed. I trust those around me so it isn’t like worrying about being harmed, but it is more on the level of losing control. I am a control freak, a hound so to speak. I like things to be done the way I anticipate them to be done and if things aren’t done like I am used to, it gets under my skin. Tangent aside, I don’t know the reason behind my complete lack of natural sleep. My circadian rhythm is messed up. I have always been a night owl and I do know that contributes to it, but before I was able to naturally get tired and now I have to become sleepy artificially. I’ve started taking melatonin and valerian root as I have heard it helps, Valerian root is helping with more anxiety than anything, and melatonin is alright. I can feel when I take melatonin as I can feel it messing me up a bit. It doesn’t give a euphoric feeling to anything like that, but I continuously yawn and stretch until I succumb to the sleep monster.

Visited with my dad a bit today, it was a small visit but nice. I’m working on trying to maintain my friendships with my friends and family. It seems near impossibly sometimes because Joel is in another city working, my mom works and is spending time with family and friends, and of course all friends have different work schedules or agendas. Phew. Everyone comes together when they need to, and I understand that fully so this isn’t a statement of resentment, rather one of observance.

Sidenote: Halle Berry in Gothika is surprisingly a successful role for her. She can pull of intelligent with a side order of crazy.

green.monster

I've been in a bit of a slump. Is it weird to feel jealous and happy at the same time? It's crazy. When I see pregnant women around me smiling, happy, thrilled for the fact they are bringing in another life into this world, I share in their happiness but long to experience the same feeling. It's just an odd feeling to try to explain to people, so... I don't try. I believe that it will happen when the time is right, but sometimes I wonder... when is the time going to be right? How many more times can my body fail me? I don't even know. It can make one person not feel like a woman if that begins to shed light on how I feel. I can see these single girls that have no idea who their baby's daddy is... and they get knocked up a few times and live off the system... and they live their life and I.. well.. I'm married to my best friend, live in a nice apartment and want nothing more to take our relationship to the next level and bring a life into this world. I just hope that it is in the cards for me.

I've been looking at a lot of different options and different interventions to help with fertility and I am hoping to benefit from what I am implementing. I think for the most part I have a good set of doctors and whatnot, and of course there are changes in myself that I need to make. I am just hoping and praying that in the next 2ish years we will figure it out and I will get pregnant.

Alright enough of that. It's hard to try to be positive but I am trying for sure.

Ugh, I start writing and insert a huge migraine. Blah.

School has been increasingly difficult. It's hard. It's very writing intensive and I don't mind that aspect of it, but the assignments are completely abstract and aren't exactly correlating with the curriculum. It kind of confuses me, but I will get it straight. I'm a straight forward thinker for the most part and these papers and assignments literally stump me to the point where I have to put it away.

I need to put the laptop away... maybe schedule some stuff out for school.. 2 papers and 3 journal entries due by Sunday, all while helping my sister in law move. phew.

2011

Okay, I last wrote November 16th and I vowed to write everyday for a month. Wow, do I suck! It's okay, I know that I tend to have these big dreams and visions for myself when it comes to making "me" time and I never tend to do it!

So, 2011, welcome. It is a very welcome welcome, if that makes sense. I was so ready to put 2010 behind me for multiple reasons. It was a hard and trying year. My parents got divorced, we had to move, doctors visits galore.. I don't know. I felt like I spent the majority of 2010 trying to wrap my head around the craziness that was my life as opposed to really living for it. Does that makes sense? I honestly felt myself going into the whole fight or flight mentality many times, which can literally wreck your body and soul.

I started becoming more of a "foodie"... I started baking and creating all these different things and would take pictures of the process. When I would go to restaurants I order something new and went in with a new frame of mind. I literally HATE trying new food, it kind of scares me, but I have decided I might as well try new things, what do I have to lose?... besides my lunch? haha :)

I'm drawing a blank... time to put writing up.

xoxo

-J

day one of blogging

I thought to myself the other day that writing everyday would be therapeutic and helpful... I mean, what could it hurt? Exactly. I just installed the blog to my blackberry so when I'm on the go I can still write.

I played around a bit on foursquare earlier and I thought to myself.. Holy shit that site is intended for stalkers I swear! I think many of us just want to have the ability to see what people are doing at an time. Some level of privacy has flown out the window. I can't say much though. I use and live by facebook. I diddle with twitter and foursquare and of course I write here sporadically for anyone to read.

Lately I have been on an organic food kick. I know its crazy but I have been doing research on foods that have been genetically modified and how that impacts the body. Even my beloved Coke has GMO's so its a wake up. Especially with the fact that we don't need to be notified of such things. It makes you think like.. Is what I'm eating chemical free? Like raw milk for example. I know, I know, I cringed too at the thought but some of the benefits are remarkable. It is illegal to sell it in most states because the process.. And drinking homogenized milk and milk by products is all that many have been introduced to and is all they know. One documentary I watched had blurred out faces of members of the FDA purchasing raw milk on the "black market" for farming. Crazy!

Chocolate soy milk = love.

We are moving! Its not the plan that I may have had years ago... To be moving into another apartment but the pros far outweigh the cons. Pro.. Is that it is in a secure building. The rent is the same but we now pay electricity. Cable and internet will be less expensive. Oh and we have a storage now. I think in the long run it will be a good thing!

Alright day one is done!

Catch Me

I feel completely lost. I don't know who reads this other than few *love you ladies* but right now I am going to just write as if no one was reading this.

I wake up in the morning (or afternoons) and feel hopeless and lonely with no one or no where to turn to. Some people may look and think, well Jill must have it together etc but in all reality, if you really knew me, you knew I have most pieces of the puzzle but still havent quite figured out how to put things together yet. Then again, how many of us are in this same situation?

Family life is rocky, I hate watching things happen to my parents and know that it may be for the best but inside, it is literally ripping me apart. I havent talked to my brother about it because I hate pressing the issue, the harsh reality that is our lives. Selfish. I feel horribly selfish. I shouldnt worry about myself when it comes to this.. and I should be investing my love and efforts to my parents.. but right now, I feel withdrawn and out of place.

I would best characterize my personality right now as bi-polar. Yesterday I was on a happy high so to speak. I held all my emotions back and tried to spend time recognizing the happiness I had.. and today I woke up, fever, throwing up.. and now dry heaving with a horrible headache. I am broken. Broken... but not done for.

Yesterday I went to my doctor with Rick.. well.. she is actually a nurse practitioner midwife and we went there to discuss my internal ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. The uterus is fine, which is great... but the ovaries arent so great and I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The left ovary is completely useless. She doesn't feel comfortable treating me so now I am being sent to an endrocrinologist in Portland to see what my next steps are when it comes to trying to become pregnant. I talked to Rick about this because I feel like a complete failure as a woman. There are women out there who dont want to get pregnant but do... and then there is someone like me, who wants nothing more to have a baby. It is so completely frustrating and last night I just cried to sleep.

About a month ago I felt my life was crashing around me and that maybe a breakdown was coming.. needless to say.. it might be here.

Help.

Please God.. let me conceive and share a child with Rick. I know in my heart I was born to be a mother... please God.. let this be a possibility.

who's going to catch me when i fall...?

Alot is running through my head.. thoughts... feelings.. emotions.. confusion. It literally is taking EVERYTHING out of me and I dont really think that anyone understands.

I get these waves of panic rush over me. I feel like I need 20 xanax just to get things to level out and I dont take it anymore. Cold water.. showers.. nothing is working. It is so frustrating. Things have been occuring at work that have completely stressed me out to the point where I am breaking down. One event has bogged me down but work itself is exacerbating my already confusing medical background. I try to explain that it isn't just this event that is breaking me down... but I literally am at the breaking point when it comes to work. I feel a mental breakdown occuring and it is going to happen at the worst moment, I just know it is going to.

I ask who's going to catch me when I fall... not because I think I'm going to fall but rather, I know I'm going to.

It's going to be biblical

Oh Law Abiding Citizen, how I enjoy you! :)

Crazy movie but love it even though the whole premise of the movie is a bit skewed. I actually end up feeling bad for Gerard Butler's character even though he killed people throughout the movie. I want to go to the movies, even if by myself I really don't care. I wish they had a double feature or something, nothing beats watching a couple of movies in a theater, especially on a rainy day.

Sleep is lackluster, I can't seem to get enough or it's more the lack of quality which is hindering me. I'm not going to take anything to sleep because then I will end up sleeping my entire day away.

First day back at work today after about a week off. It wasn't a vacation.. it was meningitis and whooping cough. Awesome, amazing me. I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding the time I have been home getting better.. it's been one of those times where there are more down moments instead of ups. Understandable when I'm in and out of the hospital for treatment but it makes things easier when other things aren't bringing you further down.

alright.. I'm going to go get my comfy sweatshirt on and brave work... hope today is a day I can face.